What's Love Got to Do With It? -- Part Two: Dating During Alienation

We need to talk about dating. Even if you are absolutely certain you are not going to date anyone. At all. Perhaps ever again.

Things happen.

My first post-divorce relationship began with my declaring that I sooooo was NOT looking for anything serious to a handsome chap. Um, yeah. We ended up dating exclusively for over two years. I know I'm not alone with this type of story.

Love can arrive when we least expect it.

Furthermore, most of us do eventually miss having a reliable plus one -- someone who snuggles up with us on the couch, picks us up at the airport, and brings us soup when we have a raging fever. This void can be amplified by the absence of your child.

So, we find ourselves absently swiping photos left and right on our phones, making small talk with a stranger while sitting on a stool at a hipster bar, and wondering whether radio silence from last night's second date means we are being ghosted or breadcrumbed.

If we are lucky, we meet someone who make us feel alive again. Someone who feels like sunshine and hope and fresh-baked cookies. And, boy can we use plenty of that right about now!

But, wait. 

Is dating during parental alienation even a sane idea?

The truth is that starting a new relationship while you are alienated from your child can be an enormous challenge. It can also be an escape, a much-needed indulgence that feeds your soul and pushes you to grow as a person.

Ultimately, the decision to date or not is yours alone, but let's look at some factors to consider that parental alienation may bring to the table.

Overwhelming Guilt 

Dating after divorce is always tricky for parents, but alienation slathers an extra-thick layer of guilt over the top. You might have doubts churning, such as:

• Given the chaos and drama impacting my life, is it possible to build a stable relationship with someone new? 
• Do I deserve to feel happy while my child is experiencing trauma and rejecting me? 
• Is it okay to move on, or could a new partner jeopardize my child coming back to me? 
• Does dating someone new demonstrate that I don't care about my child?

The very state of feeling good and wanted can also feel selfish and shameful during quiet moments when you are mourning your child. The polarization of baseless rejection and intoxicating infatuation can create a wild emotional rollercoaster. Gaining reasonable perspective simply may not be feasible during alienation, especially in the early stages.

Depleted Resources 

Alienation consumes a tremendous amount of time, energy, emotion, finances, thought, and sanity. Key factors may be in frequent states of flux: discretionary income, living arrangements, expenses, schedule, tolerance for others. This isn't an ideal state for evaluating  a new partnership. It's an invitation for attracting an imbalanced relationship and codependency.

In my observation and personal experience, parents who experience alienation can take longer to gain enough stability to establish a solid, healthy relationship. This does not mean that you are not deserving or capable; it means that there are external factors that require your focus. It means that you may have more repair to be ready for a functional partnership.

Awkward Explanations 

How does one find the words to explain alienation -- especially to a potential love interest? Basic dating advice cautions against criticizing your ex or letting those skeletons escape the closet early on.

Yet, parental alienation is life-changing. It is a major element of your personal story. If you are dating, I encourage you to be upfront about your situation. No, you don't need to disclose it on your profile or mention it during a first date, but tackle the topic sooner than later.

Own it. Unpack it. Practice talking about it in a safe environment until you can discuss it without falling apart. It is impossible to disclose alienation without addressing some heavy, clunky, depressing junk, but you can learn to talk about how it impacts you in a calm, neutral manner.

Any potential partner deserves to know the complex burden that you carry. They need to know how support you as you navigate and cope through the chaos. They need to understand how they can respect your perspective and expertise without needing to fix the situation, regardless of how well-intentioned they may be.

Even though my daughters are young adults and are firmly back in my life, alienation still warrants discussion with any new love interest of mine, because it altered my perspective, my entire family, and many of my friendships. The aftermath will forever influence how I communicate with and make decisions regarding my daughters. It is a permanent facet of our history.

Learning Opportunities 

Alienation is so consuming that it can make your world very small as you go through the motions of life. This might be necessary for some periods of time, but it isn't conducive for long-term existence and personal development.

It is important to invite new experiences and fresh input into your life. This includes interactions with new people and the opportunity to practice positive, meaningful interactions.

You need reasons to laugh and explore. You need to observe what you like, what you don't like, and what you can change.

You need to be exposed to how other people have relationships with their exes and children through divorce. Sometimes, we can't recognize past dysfunction until we have the chance to see better examples. You need to recognize your negative patterns and triggers, baggage that you still need to work on, potential areas of growth, and the amazing things that you bring to a potential partnership.

You also will benefit from practicing setting healthy boundaries, working on management of emotions (no, not just side-stepping them), and developing adept communication skills through sensitive and vulnerable topics and situations.

All of these things can be discovered through dating -- when you are ready.

Compartmentalizing Joy 

While it isn't a permanent solution, compartmentalizing various segments of your life can be an effective approach to coping with pain and inviting growth.

During alienation, my house felt so depressingly empty. I would get cold sweats and nausea while walking down the hallway to my girls' bedrooms. Everything reminded me of their absence.

Heading to my then-boyfriend's beautiful home for the weekend felt like chocolate. It was a much-needed indulgence. Maybe it wasn't a sustainable, day-to-day reality for me, but it felt good. It was a safe place where I could step outside of my grief for awhile. I could give myself permission to feel joy and comfort and love. I needed that.

This type of relationship may not be able to absorb the harsh reality of the rest of your life, but it can be a wonderful thing to enjoy the company of a loving and understanding companion.

Kintsugi  

In Part One, I explained that, in all likelihood, your relationship with your ex was significantly dysfunctional. On top of that trauma, you are experiencing the unnatural experience of being separated from your own children.

I don't need to tell you this is soul-shattering stuff. You are vulnerable. You are recuperating from unhealthy relationship patterns. You are learning how to establish better boundaries and cope through unthinkable pain.

While the damage cannot be erased, you do have the opportunity to become a stronger, wiser person. You can honor your broken pieces and mend them like the Japanese art of kintsugi, which beautifully repairs broken pottery with precious metal. The method embraces breakage as part of the history of an object, rather than something to disguise.

Heal. Do the work. Seek counsel. Become an expert at patience, empathy, communication.  Discover the depth and strength that comes from surviving alienation. Your resilience and ability to slog through trauma are strong assets to bring to a new relationship.

But, find your complete self before you attach to someone new.

Love & Logic 

I have found that most alienated parents have major similarities. They tend to be dedicated, hard-working, and logical. They tirelessly return to analyze ongoing problems, seeking practical, respectful solutions. They observe. They adjust. They research. They look for causes and consider their own possible contribution to the situation first.

These are all formidable traits, but they are also attributes that can be manipulated by pervasive mayhem and manipulation. Logic and trying harder are useless for combating intentional chaos, putting out incessant frivolous wildfires, or chasing randomly moving targets.

So, what does this have to do with dating?

Logical, rational, hard-working people with weak boundaries are an appealing target for unstable, manipulative types. Realize that you will probably attract new types of dysfunctional romantic relationships -- at least for a while. You will likely encounter some "learning experience" encounters before you connect with someone in a constructive way.

Do your homework about setting boundaries and move slowly into any new relationship. Be still that beating heart of yours. Really. Time brings wisdom.

Losing Ground 

I know you don't want to hear this, but it needs to be said: A new love interest can indeed amplify alienation, even if you are careful and mindful about dating. It is a real risk.

Alienation involves psychological splitting -- viewing one parent as all good and the other as all bad. Anyone associated with you, including a new partner, may be included in that negative perspective, amplifying the campaign that you are disinterested or unsafe.

Your dating may inspire your ex to make inappropriate remarks or demonstrate their emotional distress to your child in response. This may inspire your child to feel sad for, side with, or protect the other parent. As I mentioned in Part One, either party moving on is a common catalyst for parental alienation. Dating isn't wrong or a direct cause of alienation, but, like any major life change, it can potentially be used as powerful ammunition against your connection with your child.

Also, your new partner may not be able to handle the stress and chaos of alienation or may have trouble respecting the approach you need to take as an estranged parent. This can result in incredibly difficult, gut-wrenching decisions and may compromise your adult relationship.

Walking the Walk

That said, building a healthy, full, dynamic life is ultimately one of the best things you can do for both yourself and your child. If you are grounded, happy, and fulfilled in other areas of your life, you will weather alienation with more resilience, perspective, and patience.

Demonstrating that you can thrive after disconnecting from your ex is so important for empowering your child, so they can witness that becoming a separate, independent person is possible. Demonstrating a supportive, loving, mature partnership can help your child understand how to develop healthy adult relationships later.

Determining when, how, and if you decide to date is one of the most complex life decisions you can make during parental alienation. It is worthy of ample thought and mindful intent.

What's Love Got to Do with It? -- Part One: When Moving On Motivates Alienation

Yes, I am going there.

Today, I am tackling the dreaded topic of your love life. Actually, this elephant in the room is such a humdinger, it deserves TWO articles.

This is Part One: When Moving On Motivates Alienation. Make yourself comfortable, and let's dig in.

When I separated from my husband of 18 years, I researched the best way to go about it. I read articles about how to have a "good" divorce. How to part ways as peacefully as possible. How to avoid traumatizing your kids through the process.

I printed the best ones and gave them to my ex, naively believing he would gravitate towards the same page. Let's just say that didn't happen. < Cue laughter from Captain Obvious.>

For several months, we did have a workable 50/50 schedule, albeit with plenty of growing concerns: deteriorating communication, lack of schedule compliance, and increasing hostility from my girls.

One day, I received an invitation to a grown-up birthday party. It happened to fall on a kid-free weekend, and I finally felt ready to go out and be an adult. Let's go! Woot, woot!

I got dressed up, grabbed an old friend to come along, and went to enjoy some great company, live music, and sangria. I smiled and laughed. I danced. I met fun, new people.

A couple of days later, I learned that photos of the event had been posted online. My ex was enraged to see evidence of my moving on. Looking back at that conversation, I can now recognize early threats of alienation, but the concept was so foreign and unfathomable to me at the time, I didn't understand what was to come.

My daughters' anger at me skyrocketed immediately afterwards, suggesting that my evening out had been shared with them in a derogatory manner.

A short time later, my ex brought a date and one of her children to my older daughter's ballet performance. While it was a surprise to me, I was determined to weather the situation with a smile. But, the bigger surprise was my own kids shunning me in public for the first time.

I was home doing laundry and chores the following day, when my younger daughter burst through the front door and ran to her room without saying a word. She frantically grabbed a pile of clothes and ran back out to my ex's car idling on the driveway -- refusing help, refusing to explain what was wrong. She didn't come back for two years.

And, just like that, I was erased.

The new girlfriend promptly moved in with my ex, along with her two young children. By Mother's Day, social media was decorated with shiny pictures of their new combined family unit.

Meanwhile, my stunned heart bled.

So, how can good intentions spiral into a hideous nightmare so fast?

NEWS FLASH:  It only seemed fast. I was hosed from the start. I just didn't know it.

If you are experiencing any significant degree of alienation from your children, we can assume that your relationship with your ex had no shortage of dysfunction. The groundwork for alienation began a long time ago. It was woven into the fabric of your family dynamics, well before your divorce began.

When I talk with other alienated parents, our stories are eerily similar -- filled with boundary issues, enabling, imbalance, acceptance of negative behaviors, tolerating chaos. Your children have been raised in that environment. They understand deeply that you are either on your ex's team or you are the enemy.

Alienation isn't a sudden turn in the road, even if it seems that way. It is a lifetime campaign of your ex versus anyone not on their side.

Parental alienation typically amplifies when you or your ex moves on.

If you move on, your ex may feel jealous or threatened. Your becoming a separate entity is a personal offense, a blow to their ego. They may chafe at the reminder that you are no longer on their team or the feeling that they have lost influence over you.

If your ex moves on, your existence may become inconvenient for the new "perfect family" script. They may no longer have use for you. Your ex might use negative stories about you to gain alliance with their new partner. Your ex's new relationship will likely be as dysfunctional as yours was and may involve jealousy, control, and anger management issues.

Your child will be drawn into this dynamic, which will seem familiar and "safe," while your own burgeoning independence will seem foreign and scary them. You are now an outsider.

Remember that it is entirely normal to move on after divorce. Ideally, it is handled in a respectful, mindful manner with regard to your children. With alienation, you don't have that luxury. Articles and mainstream advice will not adequately prepare you for a successful experience.

As always, I encourage you to employ any legal resources that are reasonably available to you to preserve contact with your child. Beyond that, one of your best investments is exploring and healing your relationship issues behind alienation and the deterioration of your relationship with your ex. Work with a counselor. Read books. Join support groups. Do the work.

You originally selected your ex for a reason. Things went sideways for a reason.

Making progress with your child depends upon solving those issues for yourself. Avoiding another dysfunctional relationship in the future depends upon solving those issues. New chaotic relationships will move you away from your child and drain your energy. Make your personal development a priority.

Allow me to state clearly: This is not your fault. It isn't fair. Unfortunately, there is no magic wand. Keep your focus on progress that is under your control.

What's Love Got to Do With It? -- Part Two: Dating During Alienation

The Challenge of Childless Parenting

During my alienation, I leaned into my yoga practice to help me cope with the ongoing trauma and to develop the mental and emotional discipline I needed to navigate the chaos. It wasn't unusual to find me at yoga class after work.

One evening, I was running a little late, so I quietly found an open corner in the front of the darkened room for my mat. When the lights were turned on after savasana, I discovered that my younger daughter -- who hadn't spoken to me for over a year -- had attended the same yoga class in the back row!

In shock, I approached her. She ignored me altogether, collected her things without a word, and walked away, refusing to make eye contact. I was crushed. I texted her after she left, to which she replied that I was merely her "birth mother" and meant nothing further to her. Ouch.

While she was certainly not the first angry teenager to make a harsh declaration along those lines, her words were sadly symbolic of how my role as a parent had been completely eroded by alienation.

Not only did I have no parenting time, contact or updates about what was going on in my girls' lives, there was also no way to listen to their daily ups and downs or offer guidance, support, advice and perspective. I couldn't say yes or no to any decision or activity. I didn't even know what those events might be.

I had no voice. No function. No role.

I wasn't notified when my daughter took a fall off of a horse that fractured a vertebra. I hadn't been told that she was taking riding lessons in the first place, who the instructor might be, or where the stables were located. I couldn't check on how she was feeling, express my concerns about the type of painkillers prescribed, or push for the diagnostic imaging early on.

I also didn't know when my older daughter graduated a year early from high school. I couldn't hug her and tell her how proud I was of her or take her out to dinner to celebrate her accomplishment. I couldn't express how impressed I was that she had accepted a full-time contract with a professional ballet company at the tender age of seventeen.

Mother had become a painfully empty, meaningless title. Allow me to be blunt: Being a parent at this point was dismal and depressing. At best.

I managed to find a few ways to funnel my restless parenting instincts:

• Dialogue -- I talked aloud to my kids -- even though they weren't there -- usually when I was driving in my car, alone. I would express that I missed them, share stories about what life was like when I was their ages, muse about current events that I imagined might be impacting their lives. This helped me process my thoughts and feel like a parent for a moment or two. And, I felt I was sending them my love from a distance.
• Borrow -- I spent time with my friend's kids, as I could manage it. This was a bittersweet experience. At times, it was a great distraction to go trick-or-treating, play at the park, or attend birthday parties with rambunctious little ones. At other times, it would smoosh me emotionally to attend a baby shower.
• Journal -- I found it helpful to dump my emotions and thoughts onto paper and release them by destroying my writings later. Some parents create journals of advice with the intent of giving them to their child when they return and the time is right. I love this idea, but would caution you to make any content for your kids positive and non-accusatory.

After the yoga class that night, I met up with some old friends who were familiar with my alienation. I shared my difficult experience with them, but they had an enlightening perspective. They concluded that my daughter likely came to this particular yoga class on purpose, knowing it was a class I attended regularly. 

Oh. Even though it was a seemingly negative, hurtful interaction, it was actually a covert act of reaching out on her behalf. One that was safe, given her situation. 

Parental alienation is ugly, unnatural, damaging, and just plain wrong. If you are being extensively alienated from your child's life, you very well may have little to no active role for the time being. Your child's attempts at contact with you might look like the opposite.

But, once a parent, always a parent. Your child still needs you. No one said parenting was going to be easy. You just happen to need to develop ninja-level skills. Find ways to keep whatever connection you can, while also developing and growing as a person.

At the very least, you can demonstrate that a person can thrive despite being outside of the alienating parent's team. You can show loyalty, resilience, and longevity. You can exhibit patience, unconditional love, and healthy boundaries. Healing and developing yourself increases the chance of your child reconnecting with you one day.

Thrive Global article is live: You’re going to think I must be a lousy mother.

Guess what?

My article "You’re going to think I must be a lousy mother." about the complex nature of parental alienation was published on Thrive Global. I'm just a LITTLE excited about this! You can check it out here. 

You're going to think I must be a lousy mother.

Parental alienation kills the soul. We need to stop looking the other way.

Devalued to Death: The Story of Michele Neurauter

It's a hot topic in the parental alienation community right now: 48 Hours Karrie's Choice episode that aired on Saturday, March 23rd.

In update New York, 46-year-old Michele Neurauter had been alienated by her two older daughters, while her youngest still resided with her.

After years of manipulation, the father Lloyd gave their middle daughter Karrie a horrifying ultimatum: He would commit suicide unless she helped him kill her mother. Karrie agreed to help him gain access to Michele's home for her murder in August 2017.

Two weeks before trial, Lloyd admitted to strangling Michele and staging the scene to seem like suicide. Lloyd killed his ex-wife in attempt to gain custody of their youngest daughter and avoid paying child support.

During the segment, CBS correspondent Erin Moriarty asks the question anyone unfamiliar with parental alienation struggles with, "She's a smart girl. She could have said no."

Steuben County District Attorney Brooks Baker explains that parental alienation goes beyond merely disliking a parent, "It causes them to absolutely devalue them as people."

It causes them to absolutely devalue them as people.

Exactly this! Devaluation is how parental alienation strips a mother or father of their role, even after years of love, affection, support, and involvement. They are no longer considered a person of worth, often to the point of erasing them completely.

In psychology, devaluation is viewing someone as completely flawed and worthless. It is a defense mechanism that is the opposite of idealization (which the alienating parent demands).

Devaluation enables all sorts of bad things, such as domestic violence, sexual assault, and mass shootings. Compassion and human connection keep us from wanting to hurt another person.

To a lesser degree, many people devalue others. For instance, when something difficult or upsetting happens to someone, people tend to step back from the discomfort to separate from the trauma. We search for a reason that allows us to think it couldn't happen to us, even if that places some or all of the blame on the victim. It takes a mature, mindful, secure position to maintain empathy.

Children in the process of alienating a parent feel intense discomfort, and their security is threatened. They are desperate to reduce this stress, which they alleviate by aligning further with the alienating parent. They are rewarded for rejecting the other parent and punished for showing fondness for them. While divorce is often a catalyst for alienation, it typically occurs in families with long-term dysfunction that may not have been visible to outsiders.

As a formerly alienated parent, I find Michele Neurauter's fate deeply disturbing, as I am certain you do, too. Thankfully, alienation cases ending in murder are rare, but being erased in all other ways is all too common.

I appreciate the attention being shed on the subject. I mourn the passing of a parent who had to endure the agony of losing her children. I worry that her story will be dismissed as sensationalist without people understanding the magnitude and complexity of the problem.

Navigate the mayhem with The Four Agreements

Many years ago, I discovered a marvelous little book entitled The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom by Don Miguel Ruiz on a relative's bookshelf.

Later, when I was submerged in the depths of alienation, it occurred to me that those four basic tenets were helpful tools with navigating through overwhelming confusion and frustration. As it turns out, the approach is useful for any situation dealing with a narcissist or other difficult person.

If you have not read The Four Agreements, have no fear. The concepts are simple and straightforward. (Here is an 11-minute video by Clark Kegley covering the main points of the book if you are interested in a brief summary.)

#1: Be impeccable with your word.

If there ever was a time to be mindful of what you say (or write or dwell on!), this would be it. Your well-being and your relationship with your child may depend upon it.

The potential cost of saying something you might regret is excruciatingly high, so it is worth slowing down and thinking things through before you reply to upsetting news or information. You may not be creating the chaos, but you do have control over how you respond to it.

Your words are subjected to harsh criticism and manipulation, so be sure that everything you say is with integrity and truth. No, you can't stop your words from being distorted, but you don't need to volunteer material that can be used against you, either.

Provide concise, relevant, factual information as required, but don't include unnecessary personal details or emotion. Realize that your ex may share your emails or discussions with your child, even if the content is not appropriate. I recommend communicating with your ex in writing via email as exclusively as possible. Texts can be ignored and verbal conversations are easily misconstrued.

If you need to vent about your ex or your frustration overall, pick a trusted friend who respects your confidentiality and won't share you emotional release further. You can also write out your anguish (and promptly destroy it) or talk through your emotions aloud when you are alone. I did a lot of vocal self-expression during my daily commute to work in the privacy of my car!

Direct your words -- to yourself and other people -- in support your goal. So many things about parental alienation are undeniably unfair, wrong, harmful, scary, and infuriating! Find appropriate ways to release your anger regularly, but do not allow yourself to remain in an agitated state or continually repeat your story.

Ruminating doesn't allow you to make progress. Continue to develop as a person. Not only does this make you stronger, it also increases your chances of reconnecting with your child.

#2: Don't take anything personally.

What could feel more personal than being rejected by your own child?

I didn't say this part was easy, but it essential. Parental alienation results from the behaviors of the alienating parent (or other influential caretaking adult). Not you! 

I repeat, if you are an alienated parent, the madness isn't actually about YOU. You just happen to be the target.

Your child's anger towards you is a survival technique for him or her. Your child has been wrongfully convinced that you are unloving, uninterested, and unsafe -- and, therefore, not a secure option. Your ex seems to hold all power and is adeptly punishing you for leaving the team.

If your child fails to reject you enough, there are consequences, such as withdrawal of love and affection, expressions of anger or cold silence, accusations of disloyalty, or removal of privileges and privacy. Your child is desperately trying to reduce this conflict.

If you resist taking alienation personally, the character assault and rejection loses power. You will feel less emotionally crushed. You will no longer be constantly at the mercy of misinformed opinions. You will demonstrate that it is possible to say no to your ex, that you choose not to validate his/her false reality.

Adopt the "gray rock method" mentioned in Five Reasons to Lose the Blame Game. The more you can set your ego aside, the less the antics of your ex will trigger and derail you. The drama is designed to distract you, exhaust you, and discourage you.

Living your truth holds far more weight than speaking it or defending it.

#3: Don't make assumptions.

Assumption is defined as a thing that is accepted as true or as certain to happen, without proof. 

Parental alienation involves rampant distortion, lies, manipulation, and erraticism, all achieved with a tremendous lack of proof. Truth and certainty cannot exist with alienation, so you simply shouldn't assume. Anything. Ever.

Assumptions make you more vulnerable to the chaos and instability of parental alienation, because you are expecting things like logic, identification of problems and solutions, consistency, and adherence to agreements. None of that is going to happen.

Accept that your situation does not allow for ideal co-parenting approaches and lacks the possibility of clear communication, coordinated schedules and rational discussions of major decisions.

Keep your focus on things that you can control. Be proactive about preserving contact and time with your child. Don't count on your ex to inform you about school events, adhere to the custody schedule, or adhere to court rulings. Plan for alternate options to reduce chaos.

Have no expectations.

#4: Always do your best.

Allow me to emphasize the YOUR best part -- the best you personally have at any given moment, without judgment or comparison.

Your best might mean doing less, not more, right now. Parental alienation is depleting and discouraging. Set effective boundaries that respect your personal limits. Prioritize self-care and finding a sustainable pace -- which only you can determine.

That said, your best is so very important. You certainly didn't ask for parental alienation, but you are a parent. You are an adult. The alienating parent is locked into dysfunction, and you cannot expect him/her to change. Your child was born into the manipulative madness.

You are the only person in this triangle that has the freedom and cognitive wherewithal to make intentional, constructive changes. Your love, patience, creativity, and tenacity are essential for preserving the possibility of reconnection with your child in the future.

Note: If you purchase The Four Agreements through the link above or ad below, I may receive a nominal affiliate commission to help pay for costs associated with this endeavor. Thank you!

This is NOT the end of the story.

Every real story is a never ending story. -- Michael Ende

Trigger topic warning: This article addresses suicide and depression.

I have written about the importance of staying power, finding a pace that you can maintain through the chaos over time.

Sometimes, it can be a very long time. I experienced nearly two years of severe alienation from my daughters. It felt like decades. My father missed out on fifteen years with my half sisters.

When you are stripped of contact with your child and your role as a parent, the loss can become all-consuming. It may seem like there are no further options, no reason for hope. Several people have reached out to me recently about the overwhelming depression that sets in, the feeling that there is nothing left. Some alienated parents feel unable to continue and begin to contemplate suicide.

Ivy Blonwyn shares in her article Alienated Fathers: Don't you DARE give up!,

‘I had the plan, the place, the rope,’ my husband, Rhys, told me. ‘I was going to end it all. I’d been a loving father and a good provider. What I didn’t realize is that my ex never intended to stay with me nor let me be a father to my children.' 

Indeed, suicide is a real concern. On December 29, 2013, Chris Mackney ended his life with a shotgun, leaving a suicide note that attributed his demise to a six year custody battle that left him unemployed, homeless, and alienated from his children.  His story is featured in Bullied to Death:Chris Mackney's Kafakaesque Divorce by Michael Volpe.

You matter, and this -- no matter how dismal and agonizing it may be -- is NOT the end of the story.

You, independent of being a parent, have value to bring to this world. As much as I encourage you to continue to reach out to your child, you have a right to pursue personal goals and self-development. You have a right to boundaries and limits that allow you to be a whole, functioning person.

Your stability and growth doesn't just benefit you; it improves the potential of reconnecting with your child one day. Your child deserves the opportunity to connect with you again one day. Don't take that chance away from him or her by giving up.

Project Semicolon expands on the concept that your story isn't over yet, thus a semicolon tattoo representing the next step, instead of the finality of a period. For me, a necklace with my endurance motto Always & Forever, No Matter What helped me hang on through my moments of darkness. Find what resonates with you and helps you get through those low points to reach tomorrow.

Nothing is more important than self-care.

If you have considered suicide, I urge you to seek the help you need. Call your counselor. Call a trusted friend. Call  the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

Parenting in a Fishbowl

Like so many things before alienation, I took my freedom of parenting style entirely for granted.

I was a mindful, proactive parent: eager to find creative solutions, never hesitating to advocate for my daughters, willing to color outside the lines. This approach had served me -- and my kids -- well for fifteen years. It was a big part of how I defined being a good mom.

As soon as you separate from your ex, this dynamic changes. Parenting becomes less organic and less personal. Decisions and schedules require external coordination. Outside parties become significant influences. Your insightful opinion may be abruptly rendered irrelevant. Ideally, this evolves into a reasonably amicable, co-parenting situation. 

With alienation, it becomes parenting in a fishbowl instead -- if you're lucky enough to still have contact with your child. For some alienated parents, the only time they have with their children is under unwarranted supervision.

Everything an alienated parent does or says is up for scrutiny and often through a distorted lens. Your child may be encouraged to report information about you back to the alienating parent. You can no longer assume privacy with any aspect of your life, and any given action or statement has the potential of being presented before a judge or mediator.

As devaluing and humiliating as it may feel, embracing this harsh realization will help you avoid baseless accusations. Here are seven strategies for reducing unnecessary drama:

Strategy 1: You be you, but on your own time.

Compartmentalize the various aspects of your life. Focus on your children when they are with you. Avoid taking work calls or bringing projects home (and don't vent about custody issues at the office!). 

If you are dating, keep any new relationships separate from your child for as long as possible. Don't make introductions, talk about your lover, or have his/her personal belongings at your house.

Plan adult or adventurous activities on days when you do not have your child. With a negative campaign against you, even personal development goals can be interpreted as selfish or shameful.

Strategy 2: Be squeaky clean.

When your child is present, be aware that you potentially have a greater audience, even in your own home. Don't walk around in your boxers. Be conscious of how physical interaction could be interpreted, including affection and horseplay. Drive safely. Avoid swearing, substance use, and media with violent, controversial or mature content.

Strategy 3: Apply a general public test.

Would your statements, humor, discipline and activities that you allow be easily understood by the public at large -- even if they were taken out of context? If not, make changes. Make sure your words, tone of voice, and actions would be acceptable to even the school principal or your ex's attorney. 

Strategy 4: Get smart.

It's an uncomfortable thought, but alienation often involves the child acting as a spy. Lock down access to all sensitive information, including financial and expense records. Use a safe for confidential documents. Change passwords for your phone, computer and other forms of communication. Keep your conversations with others positive and appropriate when your child is present.

Strategy 5: Be boring.

Alienation is not the time to be a super-fun, risk-taking parent. Provide healthy food options at your house. Stick to reasonable schedules and routines with homework, bedtimes, and departure times for school and lessons. Especially with older children, make sure access to substances and internet content is age-appropriate. Kids need limits and consistency to make them feel safe.

Strategy 6 : Pick your battles.

Your child may indeed be on a mission to make your life miserable. They may be sullen, combative, and uncooperative. Their words may seem not their own; in fact, they will likely parrot dialogue from your ex designed to push your buttons and make you feel unwanted. Your child may be rewarded for causing you distress and resisting anything pleasant associated with you.

Boundaries are important, but enforcing every infraction can quickly become exhausting and futile. It may be more effective to ignore minor inflammatory static like hostile comments, eye-rolling, and a sour attitude.

Strategy 7: Provide counterevidence.

Your child is being convinced that you are unsafe, unloving, and unavailable. Demonstrate the opposite. Be calm and listen. Show up on time. Cook their favorite meals. Express an interest in their activities. Hang pictures of you together that show smiles and laughter. Extend invitations to do activities together, even if gestures are repeatedly rejected. 

These strategies aren't easy, but they are worth your investment. If you are struggling with burn-out, check out my Staying power is everything article. If you have questions or would like me to cover a certain topic in future articles, please send me a message!

The Art of Falling Apart

Usually, I encourage you to hang in there, pace yourself, and stay in the game. So, why am I now giving advice about falling apart?

Because, you will. You will hit a wall that seems utterly insurmountable. You will run out of steam. Your heart will shatter. You will have moments when you can't help but melt into a sobbing puddle. These things will happen more than once, and likely without much warning.

Parental alienation feels like your child is being kidnapped in maddening, unrelenting increments that no one else seems to comprehend. The situation is entirely unnatural, traumatic and inhuman. It is lonely and isolating. It isn't fair to expect of anyone. Nevertheless, you need to cope through it.

So, it's okay to fall apart. In fact, I want you to prepare for it. I just don't want you to STAY there.

I was well into my alienation phase and had learned to keep plodding along and functioning at life reasonably well. On this particular day, I had a busy morning of errands and working out at the gym, followed by attending a baby shower for a family member in the afternoon. The gift was wrapped, I put on a cute outfit, and I was ready to go.

Until, I wasn't. 

Just as soon as I buckled up into my car, I lost it. Completely. I sat in my garage, unable to move as disturbingly guttural howls poured from my body, and my eyes swelled with a river of tears. I felt nauseous, and I gasped for breath. I had landed firmly on the "Do not pass go" square. Needless to say, I didn't make it to the party.

Since we know they will happen anyhow, let's own those inevitable moments of disaster. Here are my top ten tips on embracing the art of falling apart.

1. Realize that you will lose it once in a while, despite your best intentions. This doesn't mean you are broken. Get comfortable with this idea, even if you don't like it.

2. Plan ahead for freak-out activities. You laugh now, but it works wonders. Make sure you have the good, extra-soft tissues. Buy some ugly dishes from a yard sale, so you can smash them in the privacy of your own garage when you need to. Get boxing gloves and hang a heavy bag. Make a melt-down music playlist. Whatever appeals to you. The idea is to release, not squelch.

3. If you have housemates, warn them. Explain how they can be supportive of your low moments.

4. Learn to recognize the oncoming feeling. Does your anxiety rise? Do you start to feel scattered or have trouble making decisions? Are there triggers that tend to set you off? Do you get more easily annoyed or irritable?

5. When you feel like you might fall apart, get to a safe, judgment-free environment as soon as possible. Cancel or reschedule commitments and make some time to not function for a while.

6. Set limits for yourself right away. Your goal is to grieve and blow off steam, not create more problems for yourself. Give yourself an end time that doesn't interfere with your daily life commitments. Set a timer or ask a friend to check on you.

I actually did this. While leaving my daughter's ballet performance, I realized that I had no idea when I would see her again, on stage or otherwise. I could barely hold it together until I got home, but I made a deal with myself along the way. I gave myself permission to lose my marbles until 10:00 pm, because I had to be ready to function at work the next morning. I collapsed just as soon as I crossed my threshold and blubbered until the timer went off.

7. In advance, make an agreement with yourself that you will NOT engage in harmful behaviors while you fall apart. Don't destroy valuables, important documents, photos or other irreplaceable items. Don't break the law or drive your vehicle while under the influence or upset. Avoid alcohol and other substances. Instead, use those pre-planned, freak-out activities from tip #2.

8. Take any preventative measures you need to. Put away your car keys, lock the liquor cabinet, turn off your phone -- do NOT text your ex! Enlist a trusted friend to help with this, if necessary.

9. Lean into it. If you're going lose it, you might as well do it with gusto. I know this seems silly while you are calm, but it's important to really express and let go of your agony when it builds up.

10. Most importantly, don't criticize or punish yourself for falling apart, during or afterwards. Accept it as part of coping through an incredibly challenging situation so you can continue to reach out to your child.

Five Reasons to Lose the Blame Game

I get it.

Being alienated from your child is baffling, overwhelming, and downright wrong. You're angry. You're suffering. You're sick with worry about your kid.

As much as you have cause to feel all of these, let go of blaming your ex. Wait! Before you think I've lost my mind, hear me out. The reasons are more selfish than gracious.

Reason 1: Public expressions of blame create more distance with your child, not less. Oversharing and distortion of information is common with alienation, so your accusations of brainwashing and manipulation will eventually reach your child and in a combative context.

True or not, your statements of blame will actually strengthen your child's resolve to reject you and defend your ex. They will not convince your child to reach out to you or understand that they are being misled.

Reason 2: Critical statements about your ex hurt your child. Children have an innate understanding that they come from both parental figures. Blaming your ex makes your child feel that shame and internalize your anger, even though the alienation is not their fault. Your child is so desperately aligned with the alienating parent that he or she will perceive criticism about your ex as a personal attack.

Reason 3: You may reinforce false information. Parental alienation dynamics are complex and difficult to grasp for people who have not experienced it. The general public, including teachers, mutual friends, and other parents, will not understand your dramatic statements of blame. In fact, your claims may make them suspect that you are the one at fault.

Most likely, they have already heard stories that have been spun about you, and people tend to believe the version they learned first. During alienation, your child corroborates your ex's misinformation about you. If someone  has heard that you went crazy, abandoned your kids, have an anger management problem, or are controlling, your blaming your ex will seem to support those arguments (even if they are entirely fabricated).

Your best weapon against the negative campaign against you isn't denying it with words, but consistently providing positive counter-evidence. Continue to demonstrate that you are rational, compassionate, supportive, calm, and desire a relationship with your child.

Reason 4: You may inadvertently reward your ex. Parental alienation is often associated with mental health conditions, such as narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Narcissists thrive on the emotional distress and attention of others. Learning that you are angry and upset may provide your ex with an emotional feed, an incentive to amplify their behavior.

The Gray Rock Method, a term coined by 180 Rule blogger Skylar, is recommended for effectively dealing with these types of disorders. Make all of your responses bland, factual and non-emotional. This approach is boring to a narcissist and encourages them to seek drama elsewhere.

Reason 5: Resentment will eat you alive. Parental alienation is a long journey, even after reunification begins, and your own mental health is imperative. You need to maintain the strength and perspective to endure the process. You can't afford to waste energy on blame that solves nothing.

Find constructive ways to vent your frustration and release your anger. Confide in close friends and family members who  keep your discussions confidential. Go for a long hike or work out at the gym. Journal about the pain and injustice -- then destroy your writing.

Understanding the causes of parental alienation and the dynamics that influence your specific situation will help you navigate, however most of these factors will remain outside of your control. Focus on the changes and progress that you can influence. Responding to alienation with negative behavior or dialogue towards your ex will amplify, not reduce, the problem.

Of course, if there are actionable issues at hand, I in no way discourage you from pursing appropriate legal action. Keep your legal proceedings professional, confidential, and as removed as possible from any interaction with your child.

Next time you feel the urge to blame your ex, ask yourself which is more important to you: a relationship with your child or personal restitution?

Yes, your life has been overturned, and your child is suffering. It is natural to want a prompt remedy, justice, validation, clearing of your reputation, or even an apology. Not only are these things difficult to obtain with parental alienation, they could come at a high price. Being preoccupied with blame could hinder your opportunity to reconnect with your child.

Quiet the Chaos

It is not uncommon for alienated parents to feel like they are chasing one disaster after another -- sudden schedule changes, broken agreements, and urgent demands without notice. Everything is big and extreme and must happen right now. Often, followed by crickets chirping in the silence.

Recurring chaos and upheaval is distracting, aggravating and wastes your time and energy. While your children are minors, you do have some vulnerability to these random whims, but you can take some preventative measures and select which "emergencies" support your long-term goal of having a healthy relationship with your child.

1. Stick to facts when communicating with your ex to reduce drama and assumptions. If you are dealing with a manipulative ex, non-essential personal details may be skewed to work against you later.
2. Follow up in writing, A paper trail may not stop erratic changes altogether, but written records can be helpful when dealing with outside parties. Group information, requests, and updates together, and try to send no more than one email per day. Avoid texting. Texts are easy to dismiss or misunderstand.
3. Grown-up topics (such as money, schedules, and court proceedings) should be discussed with your ex only. If your child is sent with messages from your ex, remove their responsibility immediately with a statement like, "Thank you for telling me, honey. I will handle it from here" or "I need to discuss this directly with your mom/dad." This applies to teenagers, as well as younger children.
4. Say yes to extra time with your kids without remark, even if it’s last-minute, inconvenient or an obvious ploy by your ex. It’s worth the cancellation of just about anything. If you have a work obligation that you can't miss, find a sitter or ask one of your family members to help.
5. Retain and use your legal custody, even if your child rejects all contact with you. Legal custody means that you have a right to health and education decisions. You can interact with your child’s teachers, school, dentist, and doctors (within HIPAA limitations). 
6. Make sure you are listed as an emergency contact and that the correct contact information is included. Ask to be added to email notifications about school activities. On multiple occasions, education and medical decisions were made for my daughters without my prior knowledge or approval. I discovered that I wasn’t listed as a parent or emergency contact with their schools. 
7. Go to any and all public events involving your child, including team sport games, school open houses, awards ceremonies, and performances. Your child may act like or even tell you bluntly that they don’t want you to be there. Go anyway, even if it means zero acknowledgement of your presence. You want your child to remember that you showed up, that you always made an attempt.
8. Any information you can identify in advance increases your chances of being involved, present, and prepared. Don't rely on your ex for details about your child's activities. Do your research: Check websites, newsletters, and posted schedules. Call to confirm details and purchase your own tickets. 
9. Pick your battles, but hold firm to important boundaries. It's okay to protect your resources, your sanity and your well-being to preserve your staying power, even if it's unpopular in the moment. A dog was once sent to live at my apartment without notice or my permission. I had to be the "bad guy" and give a hard no, which angered my child on the short term, but was a rational, feasible decision on the long-term.
10. Address conflict directly with your ex and without your child present. Don't debate adult decisions with your child.
11. Anticipate and plan around chaos and rejection. Bring a book in case they are late. Plan for extra expenses related to activities, sports, and school field trips. Mentally prepare to be ignored at public events. Brace yourself for invitations to be rejected, ideas to be dismissed, and generosity to go unrecognized. Have a restorative activity planned to recharge.

If you have more ideas for containing chaos, add them in the comments below.

How alienation happens, and why it doesn't really matter (very much).

“Do you understand that your children have abandoned you?”

Life as I knew it had deconstructed, and I was desperately searching for answers. A forensic psychologist asked me this question at the end of our first hour-long consultation. I had held steady throughout the appointment until that moment.

When I nodded in affirmation, I started to sob heavily.

It was true. Both of my daughters refused to see, speak, text or otherwise interact with me. The change had been swift, extreme, and without any apparent provocation. I was bewildered and had no idea how something like this could happen or how to fix it.

Parental alienation is the rejection of a parent. In a divorce situation, it can happen when a child is provided with misinformation and/or manipulation that creates pressure to choose one parent by excluding the other. 

Even in cooperative separations, children can feel an unintended tug and pull between their parents. On the other end of the spectrum, severe alienation can cause children to shun a parent entirely, refusing any form of contact. This alienation is often extended to family members and friends associated with the rejected parent, also referred to as the targeted parent.

There are informative books and articles written by counseling professionals about the psychological causes and concerns related to parental alienation. If you haven’t read any yet, I highly recommend Surviving Parental Alienation by Amy J. L. Baker and Paul R. Fine as a starting point. Reading practical information addressing how and why alienation can occur will help you develop better skills to communicate carefully, deflect chaos, and manage your emotions, which will be understandably heightened.

It is likely that your relationship with your ex was highly dysfunctional. Your research about parental alienation will introduce a variety of concepts that may explain your own predicament, including:

• ·         Narcissistic Personality Disorder
• ·         Borderline Personality Disorder
• ·         Various forms of abuse (emotional, verbal, financial)
• ·         Mental Health Issues, such as Manic Depressive or Bipolar Disorder
• ·         Arrested development
• ·         Substance abuse

Do plenty of reading about any factors that resonate with you. It’s helpful to have an understanding of how your situation may have developed and what related challenges you may be facing. But, that’s pretty much where the helpfulness ends. Theory is good, but an alienated parent needs a practical plan for coping with the long haul.

My recommendation is to make peace with not knowing exactly why. You will probably never get a clinical explanation for your ex’s choices and behaviors. You cannot make claims that your ex has a particular condition, because you are not his or her psychiatrist. Your ex will not likely acknowledge any wrong doing or dysfunction or receive therapy for issues related to the alienation. These things are not within your control, and they aren't your responsibility.

Here’s why it doesn’t matter anyhow: Understanding why can’t solve this, no matter how intensely you want that explanation. You must learn to navigate whatever the situation happens to be. You must stay the course through the chaos.

If you still feel a strong need for justice or vindication, pause to ask yourself if that is more important to you than having a relationship with your child. Of course it isn't, or you wouldn't be here reading this article! Instead, direct your precious energy on working towards reconnecting with your son or daughter.

Now, grab your library card and request some books!

Staying power is everything.

My dad first introduced me to the concept of staying power, or the ability to maintain an activity or commitment over time. Those many years ago, he used it as a business reference, a company having the reserves to keep the doors open until it reached a stage of profitability.

Staying power ended up being a critical consideration for me when I found myself in the thick of parental alienation. I was exhausted, discouraged, and my resources were depleted.

I had tried legal assistance, mediation, and various types of counseling (all expensive ventures). I was paying copious amounts of child support each month, yet had zero interaction with my two teenage daughters.

I was also operating in a severe emotional deficit. Repeatedly reaching out into the dark only to be met with rejection bruises the soul. And, yet, I could not, would not ever stop. My rejectors were my own children, and this situation was not of their choosing.

To say I was exhausted is an understatement, and my go-to coping activities (hiking, racquetball or cardio kickboxing, with a yoga chaser) weren't working enough anymore. My cousin Cheryl, an avid runner, helped me see that I had passed the "sprint" phase of my plight and was now in a marathon. I needed to adjust my pace for the long run.

Keeping the door cracked open with your child during alienation, to whatever tiny degree is possible, is essential for the possibility of reconnecting one day. Your effort makes you that much more accessible when their "light bulb" moment of realization happens, and they are ready to consider that you may not be the enemy. Attempts at contact, even if each gesture is rebuffed, are counter-evidence demonstrating that you are NOT an evil monster who doesn't care.

At one point, I was so entirely cut out of my daughters' lives that my only source of information about them was the grapevine -- random comments, screenshots and updates via friends who still had some level of contact with my kids and were brave enough to share a few details with me.

This is how I learned my older daughter Emily graduated a year early from high school. While I was leaving my office one evening, I received a text from a friend who had seen Emily's graduation mentioned on Facebook. The news stopped me in my tracks. Being left out of this landmark moment brought tears to my eyes, much to the awkward dismay of a young coworker who immediately regretted asking if I was okay.

I was fairly certain that my daughters were still receiving my texts, although many months had gone by without any sort of response at that point. My texts had admittedly become pathetic, between my lack of knowledge about what was happening in their lives and a massive communication black hole. I was also keenly aware that everything I did was "wrong" and used to campaign against me. Stretches of unanswered "I love you" messages seemed desperate, so I interspersed them with remarks about the weather and current events.

It sounds a bit ridiculous to someone who hasn't experienced alienation, but I began to notice that the simple act of sending a one-sided text -- which had become hugely important to maintain -- had developed a weighty emotional price for me. To set a pace that I could maintain for the long haul, I had to mindfully observe what frequency of black-hole texts I could send without feeling overly defeated and risk losing momentum.

If you are experiencing parental alienation, start evaluating your efforts and whether you are able to continue them over a long period of time. Financial considerations are important, but don't underestimate less tangible resources, like time, energy, and emotional stability. Your goal is long-term staying power, setting a pace that you can maintain for an undetermined length of time.

Hang in there. If you have questions for me or suggestions for related topics that you'd like me to address, send me a message.

You need to set a goal. Here's why.

If you are  alienated from your child, you need to intentionally set a specific, long-term goal.

Mine was simply "have a relationship with my kids someday." It became my mental mantra, the measure that I made all decisions from. When faced with any type of choice, I asked myself whether it would bring me closer to reconnecting with my daughters, or could it possibly push that possibility further away at all.

Performing well at your job, exercising and eating right, being careful with your funds -- all of these choices help you remain stable and enhance the possibility of seeing your child one day. Venting carelessly about your ex, escaping with alcohol or drugs, slacking off at work -- all of these things potentially stand in the way of making progress with your son or daughter, directly or indirectly.

Overcoming parental alienation relies on having a strategy that can withstand however long it takes for your child to realize that they may have been mislead into shunning you. Even after their "light bulb" moment, rebuilding your connection may take time. There is no quick fix.

Why is having a goal so important?

When dealing with alienation, the chances are high that you are separating from a dysfunctional relationship that may involve some form of abuse, mental health issues, or substance issues. You are likely exhausted from chasing constant chaos and conflicts, which are unnerving and deplete your resources. You need a plan that can withstand external inconsistencies.

Let's take a look at what makes the tactics of manipulative or abusive people so effective for a moment. Abusers tend to relentlessly pursue a single goal with vigor and tenacity. Sure, they also ignore rules, let everything else fall apart, burn bridges, and lack compassion, but their focus and fortitude is indeed impressive. And, they are creative, charming, and convincing.

While I don't recommend a negative approach (breaking rules, lying, being spiteful), locking in on your goal will help pull you through. It will lend you conviction and commitment when progress seems impossible. It will push you to go to the soccer game, even though your child may ignore you. When you seemingly run out of options, it will remind you to brainstorm  out-of-the-box solutions.

Write your goal down. Use it as a background image on your phone. Write it on a slip of paper that you carry in your wallet. Anything that will remind you daily of your top priority.

Share your goal with us in the comments!