Being alienated from your child is baffling, overwhelming, and downright wrong. You're angry. You're suffering. You're sick with worry about your kid.
As much as you have cause to feel all of these, let go of blaming your ex. Wait! Before you think I've lost my mind, hear me out. The reasons are more selfish than gracious.
Reason 1: Public expressions of blame create more distance with your child, not less. Oversharing and distortion of information is common with alienation, so your accusations of brainwashing and manipulation will eventually reach your child and in a combative context.
True or not, your statements of blame will actually strengthen your child's resolve to reject you and defend your ex. They will not convince your child to reach out to you or understand that they are being misled.
Reason 2: Critical statements about your ex hurt your child. Children have an innate understanding that they come from both parental figures. Blaming your ex makes your child feel that shame and internalize your anger, even though the alienation is not their fault. Your child is so desperately aligned with the alienating parent that he or she will perceive criticism about your ex as a personal attack.
Reason 3: You may reinforce false information. Parental alienation dynamics are complex and difficult to grasp for people who have not experienced it. The general public, including teachers, mutual friends, and other parents, will not understand your dramatic statements of blame. In fact, your claims may make them suspect that you are the one at fault.
Most likely, they have already heard stories that have been spun about you, and people tend to believe the version they learned first. During alienation, your child corroborates your ex's misinformation about you. If someone has heard that you went crazy, abandoned your kids, have an anger management problem, or are controlling, your blaming your ex will seem to support those arguments (even if they are entirely fabricated).
Your best weapon against the negative campaign against you isn't denying it with words, but consistently providing positive counter-evidence. Continue to demonstrate that you are rational, compassionate, supportive, calm, and desire a relationship with your child.
Reason 4: You may inadvertently reward your ex. Parental alienation is often associated with mental health conditions, such as narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Narcissists thrive on the emotional distress and attention of others. Learning that you are angry and upset may provide your ex with an emotional feed, an incentive to amplify their behavior.
The Gray Rock Method, a term coined by 180 Rule blogger Skylar, is recommended for effectively dealing with these types of disorders. Make all of your responses bland, factual and non-emotional. This approach is boring to a narcissist and encourages them to seek drama elsewhere.
Reason 5: Resentment will eat you alive. Parental alienation is a long journey, even after reunification begins, and your own mental health is imperative. You need to maintain the strength and perspective to endure the process. You can't afford to waste energy on blame that solves nothing.
Find constructive ways to vent your frustration and release your anger. Confide in close friends and family members who keep your discussions confidential. Go for a long hike or work out at the gym. Journal about the pain and injustice -- then destroy your writing.
Understanding the causes of parental alienation and the dynamics that influence your specific situation will help you navigate, however most of these factors will remain outside of your control. Focus on the changes and progress that you can influence. Responding to alienation with negative behavior or dialogue towards your ex will amplify, not reduce, the problem.
Of course, if there are actionable issues at hand, I in no way discourage you from pursing appropriate legal action. Keep your legal proceedings professional, confidential, and as removed as possible from any interaction with your child.
Next time you feel the urge to blame your ex, ask yourself which is more important to you: a relationship with your child or personal restitution?
Yes, your life has been overturned, and your child is suffering. It is natural to want a prompt remedy, justice, validation, clearing of your reputation, or even an apology. Not only are these things difficult to obtain with parental alienation, they could come at a high price. Being preoccupied with blame could hinder your opportunity to reconnect with your child.
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