I was a mindful, proactive parent: eager to find creative solutions, never hesitating to advocate for my daughters, willing to color outside the lines. This approach had served me -- and my kids -- well for fifteen years. It was a big part of how I defined being a good mom.
With alienation, it becomes parenting in a fishbowl instead -- if you're lucky enough to still have contact with your child. For some alienated parents, the only time they have with their children is under unwarranted supervision.
Strategy 7: Provide counterevidence.
Your child is being convinced that you are unsafe, unloving, and unavailable. Demonstrate the opposite. Be calm and listen. Show up on time. Cook their favorite meals. Express an interest in their activities. Hang pictures of you together that show smiles and laughter. Extend invitations to do activities together, even if gestures are repeatedly rejected.
As soon as you separate from your ex, this dynamic changes. Parenting becomes less organic and less personal. Decisions and schedules require external coordination. Outside parties become significant influences. Your insightful opinion may be abruptly rendered irrelevant. Ideally, this evolves into a reasonably amicable, co-parenting situation.
With alienation, it becomes parenting in a fishbowl instead -- if you're lucky enough to still have contact with your child. For some alienated parents, the only time they have with their children is under unwarranted supervision.
Everything an alienated parent does or says is up for scrutiny and often through a distorted lens. Your child may be encouraged to report information about you back to the alienating parent. You can no longer assume privacy with any aspect of your life, and any given action or statement has the potential of being presented before a judge or mediator.
As devaluing and humiliating as it may feel, embracing this harsh realization will help you avoid baseless accusations. Here are seven strategies for reducing unnecessary drama:
Strategy 1: You be you, but on your own time.
Compartmentalize the various aspects of your life. Focus on your children when they are with you. Avoid taking work calls or bringing projects home (and don't vent about custody issues at the office!).
Compartmentalize the various aspects of your life. Focus on your children when they are with you. Avoid taking work calls or bringing projects home (and don't vent about custody issues at the office!).
If you are dating, keep any new relationships separate from your child for as long as possible. Don't make introductions, talk about your lover, or have his/her personal belongings at your house.
Plan adult or adventurous activities on days when you do not have your child. With a negative campaign against you, even personal development goals can be interpreted as selfish or shameful.
Plan adult or adventurous activities on days when you do not have your child. With a negative campaign against you, even personal development goals can be interpreted as selfish or shameful.
Strategy 2: Be squeaky clean.
When your child is present, be aware that you potentially have a greater audience, even in your own home. Don't walk around in your boxers. Be conscious of how physical interaction could be interpreted, including affection and horseplay. Drive safely. Avoid swearing, substance use, and media with violent, controversial or mature content.
Strategy 3: Apply a general public test.
Would your statements, humor, discipline and activities that you allow be easily understood by the public at large -- even if they were taken out of context? If not, make changes. Make sure your words, tone of voice, and actions would be acceptable to even the school principal or your ex's attorney.
Strategy 4: Get smart.
It's an uncomfortable thought, but alienation often involves the child acting as a spy. Lock down access to all sensitive information, including financial and expense records. Use a safe for confidential documents. Change passwords for your phone, computer and other forms of communication. Keep your conversations with others positive and appropriate when your child is present.
Strategy 5: Be boring.
Alienation is not the time to be a super-fun, risk-taking parent. Provide healthy food options at your house. Stick to reasonable schedules and routines with homework, bedtimes, and departure times for school and lessons. Especially with older children, make sure access to substances and internet content is age-appropriate. Kids need limits and consistency to make them feel safe.
Strategy 6 : Pick your battles.
Your child may indeed be on a mission to make your life miserable. They may be sullen, combative, and uncooperative. Their words may seem not their own; in fact, they will likely parrot dialogue from your ex designed to push your buttons and make you feel unwanted. Your child may be rewarded for causing you distress and resisting anything pleasant associated with you.
Boundaries are important, but enforcing every infraction can quickly become exhausting and futile. It may be more effective to ignore minor inflammatory static like hostile comments, eye-rolling, and a sour attitude.
Strategy 7: Provide counterevidence.
Your child is being convinced that you are unsafe, unloving, and unavailable. Demonstrate the opposite. Be calm and listen. Show up on time. Cook their favorite meals. Express an interest in their activities. Hang pictures of you together that show smiles and laughter. Extend invitations to do activities together, even if gestures are repeatedly rejected.
These strategies aren't easy, but they are worth your investment. If you are struggling with burn-out, check out my Staying power is everything article. If you have questions or would like me to cover a certain topic in future articles, please send me a message!
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