I assure you that is 100 percent okay, IF you have a solid plan to take good care of yourself. You get to define what you can -- and cannot -- manage through this season. Your mental health is far more important than any tradition or social gesture, no matter how festive.
I know you are inclined to power through the holiday activities that you are supposed to do.
Every alienated parent I have encountered has been driven to do the right thing and avoid letting people down. An important part of learning to cope with alienation is setting healthy boundaries and grounding yourself in your own wellbeing.
If you lack a self-care plan, let's get to work on that STAT. Here are my five steps for surviving the holidays:
1. Take inventory. Make a list of everything potentially on your plate through the new year, including usual traditions, unlikely opportunities, holiday gatherings of any kind, decadent ideas, and expected gift giving. Write it all down: baking cookies, skiing vacation, visiting your cousin, lighting candles, hanging stockings, or volunteering at the food bank.
2. Make an energy list. Brainstorm non-harmful activities known to make you feel good, elevate your mood, and give you energy. This might be taking a scenic drive, watching the sun rise, going for a run, chatting with an old friend, climbing a mountain, or curling up on the couch with a book. If you already have an energy list, grab it now and update it with any fresh ideas.
3. Compare lists. Do any items on your inventory list feel like items on your energy list? Circle those.
4. Trim with abandon. Cross off items on your inventory list that aren't circled. Decline all invitations and demands that make you feel drained or uneasy. Say no as much as you need to. For the next few weeks, intentionally choose each activity that you include in your daily schedule.
5. Rewrite your playbook. Now that you've cleared most of your end-of-year calendar, fill your time with restorative activities and connect with the positive people in your life. Consider escaping for a last-minute, out-of-town adventure or tackling a project that you've been putting off. Your goal is positive distraction.
Focus on using this time to recharge yourself. Give yourself permission to feel whatever you need to and adjust accordingly. You can laugh and feel joyous even if you are missing your child. You can feel devastated and mournful even through a season of celebration.
And, remember to make allowances for falling apart should you need to.
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