Navigate the mayhem with The Four Agreements

Many years ago, I discovered a marvelous little book entitled The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom by Don Miguel Ruiz on a relative's bookshelf.

Later, when I was submerged in the depths of alienation, it occurred to me that those four basic tenets were helpful tools with navigating through overwhelming confusion and frustration. As it turns out, the approach is useful for any situation dealing with a narcissist or other difficult person.

If you have not read The Four Agreements, have no fear. The concepts are simple and straightforward. (Here is an 11-minute video by Clark Kegley covering the main points of the book if you are interested in a brief summary.)

#1: Be impeccable with your word.

If there ever was a time to be mindful of what you say (or write or dwell on!), this would be it. Your well-being and your relationship with your child may depend upon it.

The potential cost of saying something you might regret is excruciatingly high, so it is worth slowing down and thinking things through before you reply to upsetting news or information. You may not be creating the chaos, but you do have control over how you respond to it.

Your words are subjected to harsh criticism and manipulation, so be sure that everything you say is with integrity and truth. No, you can't stop your words from being distorted, but you don't need to volunteer material that can be used against you, either.

Provide concise, relevant, factual information as required, but don't include unnecessary personal details or emotion. Realize that your ex may share your emails or discussions with your child, even if the content is not appropriate. I recommend communicating with your ex in writing via email as exclusively as possible. Texts can be ignored and verbal conversations are easily misconstrued.

If you need to vent about your ex or your frustration overall, pick a trusted friend who respects your confidentiality and won't share you emotional release further. You can also write out your anguish (and promptly destroy it) or talk through your emotions aloud when you are alone. I did a lot of vocal self-expression during my daily commute to work in the privacy of my car!

Direct your words -- to yourself and other people -- in support your goal. So many things about parental alienation are undeniably unfair, wrong, harmful, scary, and infuriating! Find appropriate ways to release your anger regularly, but do not allow yourself to remain in an agitated state or continually repeat your story.

Ruminating doesn't allow you to make progress. Continue to develop as a person. Not only does this make you stronger, it also increases your chances of reconnecting with your child.

#2: Don't take anything personally.

What could feel more personal than being rejected by your own child?

I didn't say this part was easy, but it essential. Parental alienation results from the behaviors of the alienating parent (or other influential caretaking adult). Not you! 

I repeat, if you are an alienated parent, the madness isn't actually about YOU. You just happen to be the target.

Your child's anger towards you is a survival technique for him or her. Your child has been wrongfully convinced that you are unloving, uninterested, and unsafe -- and, therefore, not a secure option. Your ex seems to hold all power and is adeptly punishing you for leaving the team.

If your child fails to reject you enough, there are consequences, such as withdrawal of love and affection, expressions of anger or cold silence, accusations of disloyalty, or removal of privileges and privacy. Your child is desperately trying to reduce this conflict.

If you resist taking alienation personally, the character assault and rejection loses power. You will feel less emotionally crushed. You will no longer be constantly at the mercy of misinformed opinions. You will demonstrate that it is possible to say no to your ex, that you choose not to validate his/her false reality.

Adopt the "gray rock method" mentioned in Five Reasons to Lose the Blame Game. The more you can set your ego aside, the less the antics of your ex will trigger and derail you. The drama is designed to distract you, exhaust you, and discourage you.

Living your truth holds far more weight than speaking it or defending it.

#3: Don't make assumptions.

Assumption is defined as a thing that is accepted as true or as certain to happen, without proof. 

Parental alienation involves rampant distortion, lies, manipulation, and erraticism, all achieved with a tremendous lack of proof. Truth and certainty cannot exist with alienation, so you simply shouldn't assume. Anything. Ever.

Assumptions make you more vulnerable to the chaos and instability of parental alienation, because you are expecting things like logic, identification of problems and solutions, consistency, and adherence to agreements. None of that is going to happen.

Accept that your situation does not allow for ideal co-parenting approaches and lacks the possibility of clear communication, coordinated schedules and rational discussions of major decisions.

Keep your focus on things that you can control. Be proactive about preserving contact and time with your child. Don't count on your ex to inform you about school events, adhere to the custody schedule, or adhere to court rulings. Plan for alternate options to reduce chaos.

Have no expectations.

#4: Always do your best.

Allow me to emphasize the YOUR best part -- the best you personally have at any given moment, without judgment or comparison.

Your best might mean doing less, not more, right now. Parental alienation is depleting and discouraging. Set effective boundaries that respect your personal limits. Prioritize self-care and finding a sustainable pace -- which only you can determine.

That said, your best is so very important. You certainly didn't ask for parental alienation, but you are a parent. You are an adult. The alienating parent is locked into dysfunction, and you cannot expect him/her to change. Your child was born into the manipulative madness.

You are the only person in this triangle that has the freedom and cognitive wherewithal to make intentional, constructive changes. Your love, patience, creativity, and tenacity are essential for preserving the possibility of reconnection with your child in the future.

Note: If you purchase The Four Agreements through the link above or ad below, I may receive a nominal affiliate commission to help pay for costs associated with this endeavor. Thank you!

This is NOT the end of the story.

Every real story is a never ending story. -- Michael Ende

Trigger topic warning: This article addresses suicide and depression.

I have written about the importance of staying power, finding a pace that you can maintain through the chaos over time.

Sometimes, it can be a very long time. I experienced nearly two years of severe alienation from my daughters. It felt like decades. My father missed out on fifteen years with my half sisters.

When you are stripped of contact with your child and your role as a parent, the loss can become all-consuming. It may seem like there are no further options, no reason for hope. Several people have reached out to me recently about the overwhelming depression that sets in, the feeling that there is nothing left. Some alienated parents feel unable to continue and begin to contemplate suicide.

Ivy Blonwyn shares in her article Alienated Fathers: Don't you DARE give up!,

‘I had the plan, the place, the rope,’ my husband, Rhys, told me. ‘I was going to end it all. I’d been a loving father and a good provider. What I didn’t realize is that my ex never intended to stay with me nor let me be a father to my children.' 

Indeed, suicide is a real concern. On December 29, 2013, Chris Mackney ended his life with a shotgun, leaving a suicide note that attributed his demise to a six year custody battle that left him unemployed, homeless, and alienated from his children.  His story is featured in Bullied to Death:Chris Mackney's Kafakaesque Divorce by Michael Volpe.

You matter, and this -- no matter how dismal and agonizing it may be -- is NOT the end of the story.

You, independent of being a parent, have value to bring to this world. As much as I encourage you to continue to reach out to your child, you have a right to pursue personal goals and self-development. You have a right to boundaries and limits that allow you to be a whole, functioning person.

Your stability and growth doesn't just benefit you; it improves the potential of reconnecting with your child one day. Your child deserves the opportunity to connect with you again one day. Don't take that chance away from him or her by giving up.

Project Semicolon expands on the concept that your story isn't over yet, thus a semicolon tattoo representing the next step, instead of the finality of a period. For me, a necklace with my endurance motto Always & Forever, No Matter What helped me hang on through my moments of darkness. Find what resonates with you and helps you get through those low points to reach tomorrow.

Nothing is more important than self-care.

If you have considered suicide, I urge you to seek the help you need. Call your counselor. Call a trusted friend. Call  the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

Staying power is everything.

My dad first introduced me to the concept of staying power, or the ability to maintain an activity or commitment over time. Those many years ago, he used it as a business reference, a company having the reserves to keep the doors open until it reached a stage of profitability.

Staying power ended up being a critical consideration for me when I found myself in the thick of parental alienation. I was exhausted, discouraged, and my resources were depleted.

I had tried legal assistance, mediation, and various types of counseling (all expensive ventures). I was paying copious amounts of child support each month, yet had zero interaction with my two teenage daughters.

I was also operating in a severe emotional deficit. Repeatedly reaching out into the dark only to be met with rejection bruises the soul. And, yet, I could not, would not ever stop. My rejectors were my own children, and this situation was not of their choosing.

To say I was exhausted is an understatement, and my go-to coping activities (hiking, racquetball or cardio kickboxing, with a yoga chaser) weren't working enough anymore. My cousin Cheryl, an avid runner, helped me see that I had passed the "sprint" phase of my plight and was now in a marathon. I needed to adjust my pace for the long run.

Keeping the door cracked open with your child during alienation, to whatever tiny degree is possible, is essential for the possibility of reconnecting one day. Your effort makes you that much more accessible when their "light bulb" moment of realization happens, and they are ready to consider that you may not be the enemy. Attempts at contact, even if each gesture is rebuffed, are counter-evidence demonstrating that you are NOT an evil monster who doesn't care.

At one point, I was so entirely cut out of my daughters' lives that my only source of information about them was the grapevine -- random comments, screenshots and updates via friends who still had some level of contact with my kids and were brave enough to share a few details with me.

This is how I learned my older daughter Emily graduated a year early from high school. While I was leaving my office one evening, I received a text from a friend who had seen Emily's graduation mentioned on Facebook. The news stopped me in my tracks. Being left out of this landmark moment brought tears to my eyes, much to the awkward dismay of a young coworker who immediately regretted asking if I was okay.

I was fairly certain that my daughters were still receiving my texts, although many months had gone by without any sort of response at that point. My texts had admittedly become pathetic, between my lack of knowledge about what was happening in their lives and a massive communication black hole. I was also keenly aware that everything I did was "wrong" and used to campaign against me. Stretches of unanswered "I love you" messages seemed desperate, so I interspersed them with remarks about the weather and current events.

It sounds a bit ridiculous to someone who hasn't experienced alienation, but I began to notice that the simple act of sending a one-sided text -- which had become hugely important to maintain -- had developed a weighty emotional price for me. To set a pace that I could maintain for the long haul, I had to mindfully observe what frequency of black-hole texts I could send without feeling overly defeated and risk losing momentum.

If you are experiencing parental alienation, start evaluating your efforts and whether you are able to continue them over a long period of time. Financial considerations are important, but don't underestimate less tangible resources, like time, energy, and emotional stability. Your goal is long-term staying power, setting a pace that you can maintain for an undetermined length of time.

Hang in there. If you have questions for me or suggestions for related topics that you'd like me to address, send me a message.