What's Love Got to Do with It? -- Part One: When Moving On Motivates Alienation

Yes, I am going there.

Today, I am tackling the dreaded topic of your love life. Actually, this elephant in the room is such a humdinger, it deserves TWO articles.

This is Part One: When Moving On Motivates Alienation. Make yourself comfortable, and let's dig in.

When I separated from my husband of 18 years, I researched the best way to go about it. I read articles about how to have a "good" divorce. How to part ways as peacefully as possible. How to avoid traumatizing your kids through the process.

I printed the best ones and gave them to my ex, naively believing he would gravitate towards the same page. Let's just say that didn't happen. < Cue laughter from Captain Obvious.>

For several months, we did have a workable 50/50 schedule, albeit with plenty of growing concerns: deteriorating communication, lack of schedule compliance, and increasing hostility from my girls.

One day, I received an invitation to a grown-up birthday party. It happened to fall on a kid-free weekend, and I finally felt ready to go out and be an adult. Let's go! Woot, woot!

I got dressed up, grabbed an old friend to come along, and went to enjoy some great company, live music, and sangria. I smiled and laughed. I danced. I met fun, new people.

A couple of days later, I learned that photos of the event had been posted online. My ex was enraged to see evidence of my moving on. Looking back at that conversation, I can now recognize early threats of alienation, but the concept was so foreign and unfathomable to me at the time, I didn't understand what was to come.

My daughters' anger at me skyrocketed immediately afterwards, suggesting that my evening out had been shared with them in a derogatory manner.

A short time later, my ex brought a date and one of her children to my older daughter's ballet performance. While it was a surprise to me, I was determined to weather the situation with a smile. But, the bigger surprise was my own kids shunning me in public for the first time.

I was home doing laundry and chores the following day, when my younger daughter burst through the front door and ran to her room without saying a word. She frantically grabbed a pile of clothes and ran back out to my ex's car idling on the driveway -- refusing help, refusing to explain what was wrong. She didn't come back for two years.

And, just like that, I was erased.

The new girlfriend promptly moved in with my ex, along with her two young children. By Mother's Day, social media was decorated with shiny pictures of their new combined family unit.

Meanwhile, my stunned heart bled.

So, how can good intentions spiral into a hideous nightmare so fast?

NEWS FLASH:  It only seemed fast. I was hosed from the start. I just didn't know it.

If you are experiencing any significant degree of alienation from your children, we can assume that your relationship with your ex had no shortage of dysfunction. The groundwork for alienation began a long time ago. It was woven into the fabric of your family dynamics, well before your divorce began.

When I talk with other alienated parents, our stories are eerily similar -- filled with boundary issues, enabling, imbalance, acceptance of negative behaviors, tolerating chaos. Your children have been raised in that environment. They understand deeply that you are either on your ex's team or you are the enemy.

Alienation isn't a sudden turn in the road, even if it seems that way. It is a lifetime campaign of your ex versus anyone not on their side.

Parental alienation typically amplifies when you or your ex moves on.

If you move on, your ex may feel jealous or threatened. Your becoming a separate entity is a personal offense, a blow to their ego. They may chafe at the reminder that you are no longer on their team or the feeling that they have lost influence over you.

If your ex moves on, your existence may become inconvenient for the new "perfect family" script. They may no longer have use for you. Your ex might use negative stories about you to gain alliance with their new partner. Your ex's new relationship will likely be as dysfunctional as yours was and may involve jealousy, control, and anger management issues.

Your child will be drawn into this dynamic, which will seem familiar and "safe," while your own burgeoning independence will seem foreign and scary them. You are now an outsider.

Remember that it is entirely normal to move on after divorce. Ideally, it is handled in a respectful, mindful manner with regard to your children. With alienation, you don't have that luxury. Articles and mainstream advice will not adequately prepare you for a successful experience.

As always, I encourage you to employ any legal resources that are reasonably available to you to preserve contact with your child. Beyond that, one of your best investments is exploring and healing your relationship issues behind alienation and the deterioration of your relationship with your ex. Work with a counselor. Read books. Join support groups. Do the work.

You originally selected your ex for a reason. Things went sideways for a reason.

Making progress with your child depends upon solving those issues for yourself. Avoiding another dysfunctional relationship in the future depends upon solving those issues. New chaotic relationships will move you away from your child and drain your energy. Make your personal development a priority.

Allow me to state clearly: This is not your fault. It isn't fair. Unfortunately, there is no magic wand. Keep your focus on progress that is under your control.

What's Love Got to Do With It? -- Part Two: Dating During Alienation

Staying power is everything.

My dad first introduced me to the concept of staying power, or the ability to maintain an activity or commitment over time. Those many years ago, he used it as a business reference, a company having the reserves to keep the doors open until it reached a stage of profitability.

Staying power ended up being a critical consideration for me when I found myself in the thick of parental alienation. I was exhausted, discouraged, and my resources were depleted.

I had tried legal assistance, mediation, and various types of counseling (all expensive ventures). I was paying copious amounts of child support each month, yet had zero interaction with my two teenage daughters.

I was also operating in a severe emotional deficit. Repeatedly reaching out into the dark only to be met with rejection bruises the soul. And, yet, I could not, would not ever stop. My rejectors were my own children, and this situation was not of their choosing.

To say I was exhausted is an understatement, and my go-to coping activities (hiking, racquetball or cardio kickboxing, with a yoga chaser) weren't working enough anymore. My cousin Cheryl, an avid runner, helped me see that I had passed the "sprint" phase of my plight and was now in a marathon. I needed to adjust my pace for the long run.

Keeping the door cracked open with your child during alienation, to whatever tiny degree is possible, is essential for the possibility of reconnecting one day. Your effort makes you that much more accessible when their "light bulb" moment of realization happens, and they are ready to consider that you may not be the enemy. Attempts at contact, even if each gesture is rebuffed, are counter-evidence demonstrating that you are NOT an evil monster who doesn't care.

At one point, I was so entirely cut out of my daughters' lives that my only source of information about them was the grapevine -- random comments, screenshots and updates via friends who still had some level of contact with my kids and were brave enough to share a few details with me.

This is how I learned my older daughter Emily graduated a year early from high school. While I was leaving my office one evening, I received a text from a friend who had seen Emily's graduation mentioned on Facebook. The news stopped me in my tracks. Being left out of this landmark moment brought tears to my eyes, much to the awkward dismay of a young coworker who immediately regretted asking if I was okay.

I was fairly certain that my daughters were still receiving my texts, although many months had gone by without any sort of response at that point. My texts had admittedly become pathetic, between my lack of knowledge about what was happening in their lives and a massive communication black hole. I was also keenly aware that everything I did was "wrong" and used to campaign against me. Stretches of unanswered "I love you" messages seemed desperate, so I interspersed them with remarks about the weather and current events.

It sounds a bit ridiculous to someone who hasn't experienced alienation, but I began to notice that the simple act of sending a one-sided text -- which had become hugely important to maintain -- had developed a weighty emotional price for me. To set a pace that I could maintain for the long haul, I had to mindfully observe what frequency of black-hole texts I could send without feeling overly defeated and risk losing momentum.

If you are experiencing parental alienation, start evaluating your efforts and whether you are able to continue them over a long period of time. Financial considerations are important, but don't underestimate less tangible resources, like time, energy, and emotional stability. Your goal is long-term staying power, setting a pace that you can maintain for an undetermined length of time.

Hang in there. If you have questions for me or suggestions for related topics that you'd like me to address, send me a message.

You need to set a goal. Here's why.

If you are  alienated from your child, you need to intentionally set a specific, long-term goal.

Mine was simply "have a relationship with my kids someday." It became my mental mantra, the measure that I made all decisions from. When faced with any type of choice, I asked myself whether it would bring me closer to reconnecting with my daughters, or could it possibly push that possibility further away at all.

Performing well at your job, exercising and eating right, being careful with your funds -- all of these choices help you remain stable and enhance the possibility of seeing your child one day. Venting carelessly about your ex, escaping with alcohol or drugs, slacking off at work -- all of these things potentially stand in the way of making progress with your son or daughter, directly or indirectly.

Overcoming parental alienation relies on having a strategy that can withstand however long it takes for your child to realize that they may have been mislead into shunning you. Even after their "light bulb" moment, rebuilding your connection may take time. There is no quick fix.

Why is having a goal so important?

When dealing with alienation, the chances are high that you are separating from a dysfunctional relationship that may involve some form of abuse, mental health issues, or substance issues. You are likely exhausted from chasing constant chaos and conflicts, which are unnerving and deplete your resources. You need a plan that can withstand external inconsistencies.

Let's take a look at what makes the tactics of manipulative or abusive people so effective for a moment. Abusers tend to relentlessly pursue a single goal with vigor and tenacity. Sure, they also ignore rules, let everything else fall apart, burn bridges, and lack compassion, but their focus and fortitude is indeed impressive. And, they are creative, charming, and convincing.

While I don't recommend a negative approach (breaking rules, lying, being spiteful), locking in on your goal will help pull you through. It will lend you conviction and commitment when progress seems impossible. It will push you to go to the soccer game, even though your child may ignore you. When you seemingly run out of options, it will remind you to brainstorm  out-of-the-box solutions.

Write your goal down. Use it as a background image on your phone. Write it on a slip of paper that you carry in your wallet. Anything that will remind you daily of your top priority.

Share your goal with us in the comments!