Is it still Mother's Day without my child?

Hands down, this holiday was the hardest of days for me to endure while alienated from my daughters. 

It took significant effort just to breathe. For moms missing their children, Mother's Day delivers unbearable cruelty.

Perhaps, you may be fortunate enough to have a few awkward, stiff moments with your child. Perhaps, there may simply be a silent, cavernous void -- no call, no visit, no contact at all. Perhaps, you may even witness a replacement figure enthusiastically celebrated in your place on social media.

This lovely, spring day meant to bestow honor and joy can become viciously excruciating and humiliating in a highly public manner for an alienated mother. It would be irresponsible of me to sugarcoat or minimize this agony.

If you are an alienated mother, I urge you to make a survival plan ahead of time -- STAT. 

Your most important task is getting through the holiday weekend, safe and sound. You CAN do this.

Find a quiet space or a safe person and plan out what you need to cope.

If you need to surround yourself with supportive people, reach out to them now. If you need to be alone and cry all day, cancel all activities and stock up on tissues. Go for a long drive or head out of town. Sit in a movie theatre all day. Climb a mountain. 

Do whatever will help you move through your pain to get to the next day.

Just be sure to select a strategy that doesn't move you backwards. Steer clear of overspending, risky substance use, dangerous situations, or making major or permanent decisions of any kind. 

You want to shelter in place, not lose ground or jeopardize the possibility of reconnecting with your child. Above all, do not punish yourself, internally or otherwise.

You may be stripped of your parenting role at this moment, but you are -- and will always be -- a  mother. 

Right now, being a good, strong mom means preserving your own well being so you can be there for your child in the future.

Know that you will be in my heart especially on this day.

How Endurance Can Lead to Overwhelm

Yesterday, I lost my sh*t. 

As in, full melt-down mode, reminiscent of my ol' days of alienation. Right up there with what I described in my previous article The Art of  Falling Apart.

Before I continue, I want to be clear that my intent is NOT to compare my current drama with being unable to see my kids. There simply is no comparison to that agony. 

My intent is to discuss the dynamics of sheer overwhelm, especially when it involves factors beyond your control, like with alienation. 

Alienated parents are frequently among the most diligent, hard-working people and are driven to tirelessly search for solutions, resist complaining, and push through the pain. There can be moments when this dedication alone simply isn't enough, and this "failure" to hold it all together can be immensely distressing.

Admittedly, the past few months have been challenging for me. Here are a few of the stressors that I have been dealing with:

• My dad has Alzheimer's and his condition is noticeably deteriorating, as expected.
• I've had major employment changes and launched a new business venture recently.
• I have a genetic, connective tissue disorder that causes an array of health problems that are amplified by stress. Some painful, some debilitating, some annoying. All more static to deal with.
• The holidays. No further remark needed.
• Omicron. No further remark needed.
• Ringing in the New Year with a brief, but amazingly dramatic, bout of food poisoning that caused me to miss celebrating my kid's birthday.

Oh. My Goodness. That's a lot.

But, here's the thing: I was pushing so dang hard to work through all of this, to stay positive, and to find solutions that I completely lost sight of the ENORMOUS collective weight that had accumulated on my shoulders.

I didn't want to -- perhaps could not -- face the sum total. My entire focus was on fighting the good fight, forging ahead, and keeping my chin up. I didn't allow room for just being human.

Yet, we are human. It is 100% normal to have limits.

I have little to no control over all of these factors. Sure, I can do my best to problem solve and mitigate, but I can't change these things directly. I can only navigate them and manage the impact. And, take good care of myself along the way.

I dropped the ball on that last one. I think I know why.

On an underlying level, I was -- I am -- scared. I'm scared of incrementally, tragically losing my father. I'm scared of the breath-taking risk and vulnerability of embarking into new professional territory. I'm scared of the impact of my own health issues.  

Fear has its purpose. It can help us pay attention and it can be a tremendous motivator, but only momentarily. When it does not let up, fear results in bone-deep exhaustion, skewed perspective, and anxiety.

Alienation dynamics are steeped in fear and trauma. As an alienated parent, you must have a plan to take care of yourself along the way. When the pressure mounts, intentionally increase restorative measures. 

Even simple things can make a difference, such as:

• Go outside. Fresh air and sunshine heal the body and mind and fill the soul.
• Set up a soothing environment as much as you can, paying attention to background music, lighting, and room temperature.
• Move. Physical movement increases blood flow and is known to improve mood. No need to make this overly complicated. Even stretching or taking a walk can be helpful.
• Listen to interesting or supportive podcasts. Auditory input can be a low-stress, low-effort way to plug in helpful information, distract, or improve mental outlook. Brené Brown is a current favorite of mine.
• Set a timer to check in with yourself throughout the day. Being consumed with stress can make you disconnect from basic things you need, like drinking water, breathing deeply, or eating regular meals.

Also, consider ongoing counseling if that is accessible for you. Enduring alienation is not something to bear alone, especially when it stretches out over years.

Take just a few minutes right now to evaluate whether you have been taking sufficient care of yourself lately. Close your eyes, settle, and take a few deep breaths. If you are feeling depleted, schedule some restorative actions in your day. I recommend actually putting reminder alerts in your phone.

I hope this coming year brings progress and healing to you all.

How alienation happens, and why it doesn't really matter (very much).

“Do you understand that your children have abandoned you?”

Life as I knew it had deconstructed, and I was desperately searching for answers. A forensic psychologist asked me this question at the end of our first hour-long consultation. I had held steady throughout the appointment until that moment.

When I nodded in affirmation, I started to sob heavily.

It was true. Both of my daughters refused to see, speak, text or otherwise interact with me. The change had been swift, extreme, and without any apparent provocation. I was bewildered and had no idea how something like this could happen or how to fix it.

Parental alienation is the rejection of a parent. In a divorce situation, it can happen when a child is provided with misinformation and/or manipulation that creates pressure to choose one parent by excluding the other. 

Even in cooperative separations, children can feel an unintended tug and pull between their parents. On the other end of the spectrum, severe alienation can cause children to shun a parent entirely, refusing any form of contact. This alienation is often extended to family members and friends associated with the rejected parent, also referred to as the targeted parent.

There are informative books and articles written by counseling professionals about the psychological causes and concerns related to parental alienation. If you haven’t read any yet, I highly recommend Surviving Parental Alienation by Amy J. L. Baker and Paul R. Fine as a starting point. Reading practical information addressing how and why alienation can occur will help you develop better skills to communicate carefully, deflect chaos, and manage your emotions, which will be understandably heightened.

It is likely that your relationship with your ex was highly dysfunctional. Your research about parental alienation will introduce a variety of concepts that may explain your own predicament, including:

• ·         Narcissistic Personality Disorder
• ·         Borderline Personality Disorder
• ·         Various forms of abuse (emotional, verbal, financial)
• ·         Mental Health Issues, such as Manic Depressive or Bipolar Disorder
• ·         Arrested development
• ·         Substance abuse

Do plenty of reading about any factors that resonate with you. It’s helpful to have an understanding of how your situation may have developed and what related challenges you may be facing. But, that’s pretty much where the helpfulness ends. Theory is good, but an alienated parent needs a practical plan for coping with the long haul.

My recommendation is to make peace with not knowing exactly why. You will probably never get a clinical explanation for your ex’s choices and behaviors. You cannot make claims that your ex has a particular condition, because you are not his or her psychiatrist. Your ex will not likely acknowledge any wrong doing or dysfunction or receive therapy for issues related to the alienation. These things are not within your control, and they aren't your responsibility.

Here’s why it doesn’t matter anyhow: Understanding why can’t solve this, no matter how intensely you want that explanation. You must learn to navigate whatever the situation happens to be. You must stay the course through the chaos.

If you still feel a strong need for justice or vindication, pause to ask yourself if that is more important to you than having a relationship with your child. Of course it isn't, or you wouldn't be here reading this article! Instead, direct your precious energy on working towards reconnecting with your son or daughter.

Now, grab your library card and request some books!