Welcome to Always & Forever

Welcome.

If you are experiencing parental alienation, you have found the right place. Always & Forever is here to help you cope through your estrangement and prepare for your child's "light bulb" moment when they realize they deserve to have a relationship with both parents once again.

My name is Tiffany Redden, and I am a formerly alienated parent.

This being my first post, I am including a short version of my alienation experience below, but rest assured that the purpose of this blog is sharing methods and resources for dealing with this excruciating situation and staying the course back to your child.

My Story:

After eighteen years of marriage, my husband and I separated in 2012. He had been largely disengaged from our family unit for a long time, so I was encouraged by his new-found interest in our two adolescent daughters, Emily and Sydney. I actually remarked to my mother that it was hopeful that he spent more time with them in those first two weeks of separation than he had in the past two years.

Little did I know those words would later haunt me.

As our divorce proceeded, our children's behavior changed. As you might expect, they became angry, defiant, and argumentative. Schoolwork suffered. My normally close relationship with my daughters suffered.

But, they weren't just upset about the changes and loss. They began to glorify my ex while vilifying me. I later learned that this is a sign of splitting, a psychological defense mechanism that is often associated with parental alienation. Parental alienation is defined as the result of psychological manipulation of a child into showing unwarranted fear, disrespect or hostility towards a parent and/or other family members.

Despite my efforts, including attempts with mediation, counseling, and legal assistance, the alienation became extreme and comprehensive. My daughters refused to come to my house, answer my phone calls, or reply to my texts. If they saw me in public, they would scream hysterically and run away, slam doors in my face, and refuse to address me as a person, not to mention as a parent. I was blocked on all social media. I missed out on Mother's Days, birthdays, and holidays.

This alienation lasted nearly two years, and eventually extended to family members and friends who were associated with me. It was absolutely brutal. Most mornings, I had to literally talk myself into getting up out of bed. Yes, I mean out loud. I told myself to do each motion -- to sit up, move the covers back, put one foot on the ground, then the other...

I learned how to slog through the agony, how to hone in on my unwavering goal, and how to set a pace that I could maintain until I reached that goal. I learned how to foster a constructive mindset, despite the mayhem and emotional pain.

Our reunification began when my older daughter Emily sent a reply to one of my texts in August 2014, after over a year of phone silence. I was at work, and about fell out of my office chair!

Emily ended up moving in with me, which gradually paved the way for reconnecting with my younger daughter Sydney. The journey back has been slow, with plenty of twists and turns. But, having my daughters back in my life is worth everything to me.

If you are currently in a parental alienation situation, you can get through this! I am just a regular person. I am not a psychologist or an attorney. I didn't have significant resources or any special ability. I was just a parent determined to have a relationship with my daughters again.

Let me help you get there.

Subscribe to this blog. Find me on YouTube, Facebook and Instagram. Send me your questions. I will do my best to address them in future blogs and videos.

Until next time, hang in there. A parent's love for their child is always and forever, no matter what.

The Art of Falling Apart

Usually, I encourage you to hang in there, pace yourself, and stay in the game. So, why am I now giving advice about falling apart?

Because, you will. You will hit a wall that seems utterly insurmountable. You will run out of steam. Your heart will shatter. You will have moments when you can't help but melt into a sobbing puddle. These things will happen more than once, and likely without much warning.

Parental alienation feels like your child is being kidnapped in maddening, unrelenting increments that no one else seems to comprehend. The situation is entirely unnatural, traumatic and inhuman. It is lonely and isolating. It isn't fair to expect of anyone. Nevertheless, you need to cope through it.

So, it's okay to fall apart. In fact, I want you to prepare for it. I just don't want you to STAY there.

I was well into my alienation phase and had learned to keep plodding along and functioning at life reasonably well. On this particular day, I had a busy morning of errands and working out at the gym, followed by attending a baby shower for a family member in the afternoon. The gift was wrapped, I put on a cute outfit, and I was ready to go.

Until, I wasn't. 

Just as soon as I buckled up into my car, I lost it. Completely. I sat in my garage, unable to move as disturbingly guttural howls poured from my body, and my eyes swelled with a river of tears. I felt nauseous, and I gasped for breath. I had landed firmly on the "Do not pass go" square. Needless to say, I didn't make it to the party.

Since we know they will happen anyhow, let's own those inevitable moments of disaster. Here are my top ten tips on embracing the art of falling apart.

1. Realize that you will lose it once in a while, despite your best intentions. This doesn't mean you are broken. Get comfortable with this idea, even if you don't like it.

2. Plan ahead for freak-out activities. You laugh now, but it works wonders. Make sure you have the good, extra-soft tissues. Buy some ugly dishes from a yard sale, so you can smash them in the privacy of your own garage when you need to. Get boxing gloves and hang a heavy bag. Make a melt-down music playlist. Whatever appeals to you. The idea is to release, not squelch.

3. If you have housemates, warn them. Explain how they can be supportive of your low moments.

4. Learn to recognize the oncoming feeling. Does your anxiety rise? Do you start to feel scattered or have trouble making decisions? Are there triggers that tend to set you off? Do you get more easily annoyed or irritable?

5. When you feel like you might fall apart, get to a safe, judgment-free environment as soon as possible. Cancel or reschedule commitments and make some time to not function for a while.

6. Set limits for yourself right away. Your goal is to grieve and blow off steam, not create more problems for yourself. Give yourself an end time that doesn't interfere with your daily life commitments. Set a timer or ask a friend to check on you.

I actually did this. While leaving my daughter's ballet performance, I realized that I had no idea when I would see her again, on stage or otherwise. I could barely hold it together until I got home, but I made a deal with myself along the way. I gave myself permission to lose my marbles until 10:00 pm, because I had to be ready to function at work the next morning. I collapsed just as soon as I crossed my threshold and blubbered until the timer went off.

7. In advance, make an agreement with yourself that you will NOT engage in harmful behaviors while you fall apart. Don't destroy valuables, important documents, photos or other irreplaceable items. Don't break the law or drive your vehicle while under the influence or upset. Avoid alcohol and other substances. Instead, use those pre-planned, freak-out activities from tip #2.

8. Take any preventative measures you need to. Put away your car keys, lock the liquor cabinet, turn off your phone -- do NOT text your ex! Enlist a trusted friend to help with this, if necessary.

9. Lean into it. If you're going lose it, you might as well do it with gusto. I know this seems silly while you are calm, but it's important to really express and let go of your agony when it builds up.

10. Most importantly, don't criticize or punish yourself for falling apart, during or afterwards. Accept it as part of coping through an incredibly challenging situation so you can continue to reach out to your child.

How alienation happens, and why it doesn't really matter (very much).

“Do you understand that your children have abandoned you?”

Life as I knew it had deconstructed, and I was desperately searching for answers. A forensic psychologist asked me this question at the end of our first hour-long consultation. I had held steady throughout the appointment until that moment.

When I nodded in affirmation, I started to sob heavily.

It was true. Both of my daughters refused to see, speak, text or otherwise interact with me. The change had been swift, extreme, and without any apparent provocation. I was bewildered and had no idea how something like this could happen or how to fix it.

Parental alienation is the rejection of a parent. In a divorce situation, it can happen when a child is provided with misinformation and/or manipulation that creates pressure to choose one parent by excluding the other. 

Even in cooperative separations, children can feel an unintended tug and pull between their parents. On the other end of the spectrum, severe alienation can cause children to shun a parent entirely, refusing any form of contact. This alienation is often extended to family members and friends associated with the rejected parent, also referred to as the targeted parent.

There are informative books and articles written by counseling professionals about the psychological causes and concerns related to parental alienation. If you haven’t read any yet, I highly recommend Surviving Parental Alienation by Amy J. L. Baker and Paul R. Fine as a starting point. Reading practical information addressing how and why alienation can occur will help you develop better skills to communicate carefully, deflect chaos, and manage your emotions, which will be understandably heightened.

It is likely that your relationship with your ex was highly dysfunctional. Your research about parental alienation will introduce a variety of concepts that may explain your own predicament, including:

• ·         Narcissistic Personality Disorder
• ·         Borderline Personality Disorder
• ·         Various forms of abuse (emotional, verbal, financial)
• ·         Mental Health Issues, such as Manic Depressive or Bipolar Disorder
• ·         Arrested development
• ·         Substance abuse

Do plenty of reading about any factors that resonate with you. It’s helpful to have an understanding of how your situation may have developed and what related challenges you may be facing. But, that’s pretty much where the helpfulness ends. Theory is good, but an alienated parent needs a practical plan for coping with the long haul.

My recommendation is to make peace with not knowing exactly why. You will probably never get a clinical explanation for your ex’s choices and behaviors. You cannot make claims that your ex has a particular condition, because you are not his or her psychiatrist. Your ex will not likely acknowledge any wrong doing or dysfunction or receive therapy for issues related to the alienation. These things are not within your control, and they aren't your responsibility.

Here’s why it doesn’t matter anyhow: Understanding why can’t solve this, no matter how intensely you want that explanation. You must learn to navigate whatever the situation happens to be. You must stay the course through the chaos.

If you still feel a strong need for justice or vindication, pause to ask yourself if that is more important to you than having a relationship with your child. Of course it isn't, or you wouldn't be here reading this article! Instead, direct your precious energy on working towards reconnecting with your son or daughter.

Now, grab your library card and request some books!

Staying power is everything.

My dad first introduced me to the concept of staying power, or the ability to maintain an activity or commitment over time. Those many years ago, he used it as a business reference, a company having the reserves to keep the doors open until it reached a stage of profitability.

Staying power ended up being a critical consideration for me when I found myself in the thick of parental alienation. I was exhausted, discouraged, and my resources were depleted.

I had tried legal assistance, mediation, and various types of counseling (all expensive ventures). I was paying copious amounts of child support each month, yet had zero interaction with my two teenage daughters.

I was also operating in a severe emotional deficit. Repeatedly reaching out into the dark only to be met with rejection bruises the soul. And, yet, I could not, would not ever stop. My rejectors were my own children, and this situation was not of their choosing.

To say I was exhausted is an understatement, and my go-to coping activities (hiking, racquetball or cardio kickboxing, with a yoga chaser) weren't working enough anymore. My cousin Cheryl, an avid runner, helped me see that I had passed the "sprint" phase of my plight and was now in a marathon. I needed to adjust my pace for the long run.

Keeping the door cracked open with your child during alienation, to whatever tiny degree is possible, is essential for the possibility of reconnecting one day. Your effort makes you that much more accessible when their "light bulb" moment of realization happens, and they are ready to consider that you may not be the enemy. Attempts at contact, even if each gesture is rebuffed, are counter-evidence demonstrating that you are NOT an evil monster who doesn't care.

At one point, I was so entirely cut out of my daughters' lives that my only source of information about them was the grapevine -- random comments, screenshots and updates via friends who still had some level of contact with my kids and were brave enough to share a few details with me.

This is how I learned my older daughter Emily graduated a year early from high school. While I was leaving my office one evening, I received a text from a friend who had seen Emily's graduation mentioned on Facebook. The news stopped me in my tracks. Being left out of this landmark moment brought tears to my eyes, much to the awkward dismay of a young coworker who immediately regretted asking if I was okay.

I was fairly certain that my daughters were still receiving my texts, although many months had gone by without any sort of response at that point. My texts had admittedly become pathetic, between my lack of knowledge about what was happening in their lives and a massive communication black hole. I was also keenly aware that everything I did was "wrong" and used to campaign against me. Stretches of unanswered "I love you" messages seemed desperate, so I interspersed them with remarks about the weather and current events.

It sounds a bit ridiculous to someone who hasn't experienced alienation, but I began to notice that the simple act of sending a one-sided text -- which had become hugely important to maintain -- had developed a weighty emotional price for me. To set a pace that I could maintain for the long haul, I had to mindfully observe what frequency of black-hole texts I could send without feeling overly defeated and risk losing momentum.

If you are experiencing parental alienation, start evaluating your efforts and whether you are able to continue them over a long period of time. Financial considerations are important, but don't underestimate less tangible resources, like time, energy, and emotional stability. Your goal is long-term staying power, setting a pace that you can maintain for an undetermined length of time.

Hang in there. If you have questions for me or suggestions for related topics that you'd like me to address, send me a message.

You need to set a goal. Here's why.

If you are  alienated from your child, you need to intentionally set a specific, long-term goal.

Mine was simply "have a relationship with my kids someday." It became my mental mantra, the measure that I made all decisions from. When faced with any type of choice, I asked myself whether it would bring me closer to reconnecting with my daughters, or could it possibly push that possibility further away at all.

Performing well at your job, exercising and eating right, being careful with your funds -- all of these choices help you remain stable and enhance the possibility of seeing your child one day. Venting carelessly about your ex, escaping with alcohol or drugs, slacking off at work -- all of these things potentially stand in the way of making progress with your son or daughter, directly or indirectly.

Overcoming parental alienation relies on having a strategy that can withstand however long it takes for your child to realize that they may have been mislead into shunning you. Even after their "light bulb" moment, rebuilding your connection may take time. There is no quick fix.

Why is having a goal so important?

When dealing with alienation, the chances are high that you are separating from a dysfunctional relationship that may involve some form of abuse, mental health issues, or substance issues. You are likely exhausted from chasing constant chaos and conflicts, which are unnerving and deplete your resources. You need a plan that can withstand external inconsistencies.

Let's take a look at what makes the tactics of manipulative or abusive people so effective for a moment. Abusers tend to relentlessly pursue a single goal with vigor and tenacity. Sure, they also ignore rules, let everything else fall apart, burn bridges, and lack compassion, but their focus and fortitude is indeed impressive. And, they are creative, charming, and convincing.

While I don't recommend a negative approach (breaking rules, lying, being spiteful), locking in on your goal will help pull you through. It will lend you conviction and commitment when progress seems impossible. It will push you to go to the soccer game, even though your child may ignore you. When you seemingly run out of options, it will remind you to brainstorm  out-of-the-box solutions.

Write your goal down. Use it as a background image on your phone. Write it on a slip of paper that you carry in your wallet. Anything that will remind you daily of your top priority.

Share your goal with us in the comments!