Welcome to Always & Forever

Welcome.

If you are experiencing parental alienation, you have found the right place. Always & Forever is here to help you cope through your estrangement and prepare for your child's "light bulb" moment when they realize they deserve to have a relationship with both parents once again.

My name is Tiffany Redden, and I am a formerly alienated parent.

This being my first post, I am including a short version of my alienation experience below, but rest assured that the purpose of this blog is sharing methods and resources for dealing with this excruciating situation and staying the course back to your child.

My Story:

After eighteen years of marriage, my husband and I separated in 2012. He had been largely disengaged from our family unit for a long time, so I was encouraged by his new-found interest in our two adolescent daughters, Emily and Sydney. I actually remarked to my mother that it was hopeful that he spent more time with them in those first two weeks of separation than he had in the past two years.

Little did I know those words would later haunt me.

As our divorce proceeded, our children's behavior changed. As you might expect, they became angry, defiant, and argumentative. Schoolwork suffered. My normally close relationship with my daughters suffered.

But, they weren't just upset about the changes and loss. They began to glorify my ex while vilifying me. I later learned that this is a sign of splitting, a psychological defense mechanism that is often associated with parental alienation. Parental alienation is defined as the result of psychological manipulation of a child into showing unwarranted fear, disrespect or hostility towards a parent and/or other family members.

Despite my efforts, including attempts with mediation, counseling, and legal assistance, the alienation became extreme and comprehensive. My daughters refused to come to my house, answer my phone calls, or reply to my texts. If they saw me in public, they would scream hysterically and run away, slam doors in my face, and refuse to address me as a person, not to mention as a parent. I was blocked on all social media. I missed out on Mother's Days, birthdays, and holidays.

This alienation lasted nearly two years, and eventually extended to family members and friends who were associated with me. It was absolutely brutal. Most mornings, I had to literally talk myself into getting up out of bed. Yes, I mean out loud. I told myself to do each motion -- to sit up, move the covers back, put one foot on the ground, then the other...

I learned how to slog through the agony, how to hone in on my unwavering goal, and how to set a pace that I could maintain until I reached that goal. I learned how to foster a constructive mindset, despite the mayhem and emotional pain.

Our reunification began when my older daughter Emily sent a reply to one of my texts in August 2014, after over a year of phone silence. I was at work, and about fell out of my office chair!

Emily ended up moving in with me, which gradually paved the way for reconnecting with my younger daughter Sydney. The journey back has been slow, with plenty of twists and turns. But, having my daughters back in my life is worth everything to me.

If you are currently in a parental alienation situation, you can get through this! I am just a regular person. I am not a psychologist or an attorney. I didn't have significant resources or any special ability. I was just a parent determined to have a relationship with my daughters again.

Let me help you get there.

Subscribe to this blog. Find me on YouTube, Facebook and Instagram. Send me your questions. I will do my best to address them in future blogs and videos.

Until next time, hang in there. A parent's love for their child is always and forever, no matter what.

The Challenge of Childless Parenting

During my alienation, I leaned into my yoga practice to help me cope with the ongoing trauma and to develop the mental and emotional discipline I needed to navigate the chaos. It wasn't unusual to find me at yoga class after work.

One evening, I was running a little late, so I quietly found an open corner in the front of the darkened room for my mat. When the lights were turned on after savasana, I discovered that my younger daughter -- who hadn't spoken to me for over a year -- had attended the same yoga class in the back row!

In shock, I approached her. She ignored me altogether, collected her things without a word, and walked away, refusing to make eye contact. I was crushed. I texted her after she left, to which she replied that I was merely her "birth mother" and meant nothing further to her. Ouch.

While she was certainly not the first angry teenager to make a harsh declaration along those lines, her words were sadly symbolic of how my role as a parent had been completely eroded by alienation.

Not only did I have no parenting time, contact or updates about what was going on in my girls' lives, there was also no way to listen to their daily ups and downs or offer guidance, support, advice and perspective. I couldn't say yes or no to any decision or activity. I didn't even know what those events might be.

I had no voice. No function. No role.

I wasn't notified when my daughter took a fall off of a horse that fractured a vertebra. I hadn't been told that she was taking riding lessons in the first place, who the instructor might be, or where the stables were located. I couldn't check on how she was feeling, express my concerns about the type of painkillers prescribed, or push for the diagnostic imaging early on.

I also didn't know when my older daughter graduated a year early from high school. I couldn't hug her and tell her how proud I was of her or take her out to dinner to celebrate her accomplishment. I couldn't express how impressed I was that she had accepted a full-time contract with a professional ballet company at the tender age of seventeen.

Mother had become a painfully empty, meaningless title. Allow me to be blunt: Being a parent at this point was dismal and depressing. At best.

I managed to find a few ways to funnel my restless parenting instincts:

• Dialogue -- I talked aloud to my kids -- even though they weren't there -- usually when I was driving in my car, alone. I would express that I missed them, share stories about what life was like when I was their ages, muse about current events that I imagined might be impacting their lives. This helped me process my thoughts and feel like a parent for a moment or two. And, I felt I was sending them my love from a distance.
• Borrow -- I spent time with my friend's kids, as I could manage it. This was a bittersweet experience. At times, it was a great distraction to go trick-or-treating, play at the park, or attend birthday parties with rambunctious little ones. At other times, it would smoosh me emotionally to attend a baby shower.
• Journal -- I found it helpful to dump my emotions and thoughts onto paper and release them by destroying my writings later. Some parents create journals of advice with the intent of giving them to their child when they return and the time is right. I love this idea, but would caution you to make any content for your kids positive and non-accusatory.

After the yoga class that night, I met up with some old friends who were familiar with my alienation. I shared my difficult experience with them, but they had an enlightening perspective. They concluded that my daughter likely came to this particular yoga class on purpose, knowing it was a class I attended regularly. 

Oh. Even though it was a seemingly negative, hurtful interaction, it was actually a covert act of reaching out on her behalf. One that was safe, given her situation. 

Parental alienation is ugly, unnatural, damaging, and just plain wrong. If you are being extensively alienated from your child's life, you very well may have little to no active role for the time being. Your child's attempts at contact with you might look like the opposite.

But, once a parent, always a parent. Your child still needs you. No one said parenting was going to be easy. You just happen to need to develop ninja-level skills. Find ways to keep whatever connection you can, while also developing and growing as a person.

At the very least, you can demonstrate that a person can thrive despite being outside of the alienating parent's team. You can show loyalty, resilience, and longevity. You can exhibit patience, unconditional love, and healthy boundaries. Healing and developing yourself increases the chance of your child reconnecting with you one day.

The Art of Falling Apart

Usually, I encourage you to hang in there, pace yourself, and stay in the game. So, why am I now giving advice about falling apart?

Because, you will. You will hit a wall that seems utterly insurmountable. You will run out of steam. Your heart will shatter. You will have moments when you can't help but melt into a sobbing puddle. These things will happen more than once, and likely without much warning.

Parental alienation feels like your child is being kidnapped in maddening, unrelenting increments that no one else seems to comprehend. The situation is entirely unnatural, traumatic and inhuman. It is lonely and isolating. It isn't fair to expect of anyone. Nevertheless, you need to cope through it.

So, it's okay to fall apart. In fact, I want you to prepare for it. I just don't want you to STAY there.

I was well into my alienation phase and had learned to keep plodding along and functioning at life reasonably well. On this particular day, I had a busy morning of errands and working out at the gym, followed by attending a baby shower for a family member in the afternoon. The gift was wrapped, I put on a cute outfit, and I was ready to go.

Until, I wasn't. 

Just as soon as I buckled up into my car, I lost it. Completely. I sat in my garage, unable to move as disturbingly guttural howls poured from my body, and my eyes swelled with a river of tears. I felt nauseous, and I gasped for breath. I had landed firmly on the "Do not pass go" square. Needless to say, I didn't make it to the party.

Since we know they will happen anyhow, let's own those inevitable moments of disaster. Here are my top ten tips on embracing the art of falling apart.

1. Realize that you will lose it once in a while, despite your best intentions. This doesn't mean you are broken. Get comfortable with this idea, even if you don't like it.

2. Plan ahead for freak-out activities. You laugh now, but it works wonders. Make sure you have the good, extra-soft tissues. Buy some ugly dishes from a yard sale, so you can smash them in the privacy of your own garage when you need to. Get boxing gloves and hang a heavy bag. Make a melt-down music playlist. Whatever appeals to you. The idea is to release, not squelch.

3. If you have housemates, warn them. Explain how they can be supportive of your low moments.

4. Learn to recognize the oncoming feeling. Does your anxiety rise? Do you start to feel scattered or have trouble making decisions? Are there triggers that tend to set you off? Do you get more easily annoyed or irritable?

5. When you feel like you might fall apart, get to a safe, judgment-free environment as soon as possible. Cancel or reschedule commitments and make some time to not function for a while.

6. Set limits for yourself right away. Your goal is to grieve and blow off steam, not create more problems for yourself. Give yourself an end time that doesn't interfere with your daily life commitments. Set a timer or ask a friend to check on you.

I actually did this. While leaving my daughter's ballet performance, I realized that I had no idea when I would see her again, on stage or otherwise. I could barely hold it together until I got home, but I made a deal with myself along the way. I gave myself permission to lose my marbles until 10:00 pm, because I had to be ready to function at work the next morning. I collapsed just as soon as I crossed my threshold and blubbered until the timer went off.

7. In advance, make an agreement with yourself that you will NOT engage in harmful behaviors while you fall apart. Don't destroy valuables, important documents, photos or other irreplaceable items. Don't break the law or drive your vehicle while under the influence or upset. Avoid alcohol and other substances. Instead, use those pre-planned, freak-out activities from tip #2.

8. Take any preventative measures you need to. Put away your car keys, lock the liquor cabinet, turn off your phone -- do NOT text your ex! Enlist a trusted friend to help with this, if necessary.

9. Lean into it. If you're going lose it, you might as well do it with gusto. I know this seems silly while you are calm, but it's important to really express and let go of your agony when it builds up.

10. Most importantly, don't criticize or punish yourself for falling apart, during or afterwards. Accept it as part of coping through an incredibly challenging situation so you can continue to reach out to your child.

Staying power is everything.

My dad first introduced me to the concept of staying power, or the ability to maintain an activity or commitment over time. Those many years ago, he used it as a business reference, a company having the reserves to keep the doors open until it reached a stage of profitability.

Staying power ended up being a critical consideration for me when I found myself in the thick of parental alienation. I was exhausted, discouraged, and my resources were depleted.

I had tried legal assistance, mediation, and various types of counseling (all expensive ventures). I was paying copious amounts of child support each month, yet had zero interaction with my two teenage daughters.

I was also operating in a severe emotional deficit. Repeatedly reaching out into the dark only to be met with rejection bruises the soul. And, yet, I could not, would not ever stop. My rejectors were my own children, and this situation was not of their choosing.

To say I was exhausted is an understatement, and my go-to coping activities (hiking, racquetball or cardio kickboxing, with a yoga chaser) weren't working enough anymore. My cousin Cheryl, an avid runner, helped me see that I had passed the "sprint" phase of my plight and was now in a marathon. I needed to adjust my pace for the long run.

Keeping the door cracked open with your child during alienation, to whatever tiny degree is possible, is essential for the possibility of reconnecting one day. Your effort makes you that much more accessible when their "light bulb" moment of realization happens, and they are ready to consider that you may not be the enemy. Attempts at contact, even if each gesture is rebuffed, are counter-evidence demonstrating that you are NOT an evil monster who doesn't care.

At one point, I was so entirely cut out of my daughters' lives that my only source of information about them was the grapevine -- random comments, screenshots and updates via friends who still had some level of contact with my kids and were brave enough to share a few details with me.

This is how I learned my older daughter Emily graduated a year early from high school. While I was leaving my office one evening, I received a text from a friend who had seen Emily's graduation mentioned on Facebook. The news stopped me in my tracks. Being left out of this landmark moment brought tears to my eyes, much to the awkward dismay of a young coworker who immediately regretted asking if I was okay.

I was fairly certain that my daughters were still receiving my texts, although many months had gone by without any sort of response at that point. My texts had admittedly become pathetic, between my lack of knowledge about what was happening in their lives and a massive communication black hole. I was also keenly aware that everything I did was "wrong" and used to campaign against me. Stretches of unanswered "I love you" messages seemed desperate, so I interspersed them with remarks about the weather and current events.

It sounds a bit ridiculous to someone who hasn't experienced alienation, but I began to notice that the simple act of sending a one-sided text -- which had become hugely important to maintain -- had developed a weighty emotional price for me. To set a pace that I could maintain for the long haul, I had to mindfully observe what frequency of black-hole texts I could send without feeling overly defeated and risk losing momentum.

If you are experiencing parental alienation, start evaluating your efforts and whether you are able to continue them over a long period of time. Financial considerations are important, but don't underestimate less tangible resources, like time, energy, and emotional stability. Your goal is long-term staying power, setting a pace that you can maintain for an undetermined length of time.

Hang in there. If you have questions for me or suggestions for related topics that you'd like me to address, send me a message.

You need to set a goal. Here's why.

If you are  alienated from your child, you need to intentionally set a specific, long-term goal.

Mine was simply "have a relationship with my kids someday." It became my mental mantra, the measure that I made all decisions from. When faced with any type of choice, I asked myself whether it would bring me closer to reconnecting with my daughters, or could it possibly push that possibility further away at all.

Performing well at your job, exercising and eating right, being careful with your funds -- all of these choices help you remain stable and enhance the possibility of seeing your child one day. Venting carelessly about your ex, escaping with alcohol or drugs, slacking off at work -- all of these things potentially stand in the way of making progress with your son or daughter, directly or indirectly.

Overcoming parental alienation relies on having a strategy that can withstand however long it takes for your child to realize that they may have been mislead into shunning you. Even after their "light bulb" moment, rebuilding your connection may take time. There is no quick fix.

Why is having a goal so important?

When dealing with alienation, the chances are high that you are separating from a dysfunctional relationship that may involve some form of abuse, mental health issues, or substance issues. You are likely exhausted from chasing constant chaos and conflicts, which are unnerving and deplete your resources. You need a plan that can withstand external inconsistencies.

Let's take a look at what makes the tactics of manipulative or abusive people so effective for a moment. Abusers tend to relentlessly pursue a single goal with vigor and tenacity. Sure, they also ignore rules, let everything else fall apart, burn bridges, and lack compassion, but their focus and fortitude is indeed impressive. And, they are creative, charming, and convincing.

While I don't recommend a negative approach (breaking rules, lying, being spiteful), locking in on your goal will help pull you through. It will lend you conviction and commitment when progress seems impossible. It will push you to go to the soccer game, even though your child may ignore you. When you seemingly run out of options, it will remind you to brainstorm  out-of-the-box solutions.

Write your goal down. Use it as a background image on your phone. Write it on a slip of paper that you carry in your wallet. Anything that will remind you daily of your top priority.

Share your goal with us in the comments!