Welcome to Always & Forever

Welcome.

If you are experiencing parental alienation, you have found the right place. Always & Forever is here to help you cope through your estrangement and prepare for your child's "light bulb" moment when they realize they deserve to have a relationship with both parents once again.

My name is Tiffany Redden, and I am a formerly alienated parent.

This being my first post, I am including a short version of my alienation experience below, but rest assured that the purpose of this blog is sharing methods and resources for dealing with this excruciating situation and staying the course back to your child.

My Story:

After eighteen years of marriage, my husband and I separated in 2012. He had been largely disengaged from our family unit for a long time, so I was encouraged by his new-found interest in our two adolescent daughters, Emily and Sydney. I actually remarked to my mother that it was hopeful that he spent more time with them in those first two weeks of separation than he had in the past two years.

Little did I know those words would later haunt me.

As our divorce proceeded, our children's behavior changed. As you might expect, they became angry, defiant, and argumentative. Schoolwork suffered. My normally close relationship with my daughters suffered.

But, they weren't just upset about the changes and loss. They began to glorify my ex while vilifying me. I later learned that this is a sign of splitting, a psychological defense mechanism that is often associated with parental alienation. Parental alienation is defined as the result of psychological manipulation of a child into showing unwarranted fear, disrespect or hostility towards a parent and/or other family members.

Despite my efforts, including attempts with mediation, counseling, and legal assistance, the alienation became extreme and comprehensive. My daughters refused to come to my house, answer my phone calls, or reply to my texts. If they saw me in public, they would scream hysterically and run away, slam doors in my face, and refuse to address me as a person, not to mention as a parent. I was blocked on all social media. I missed out on Mother's Days, birthdays, and holidays.

This alienation lasted nearly two years, and eventually extended to family members and friends who were associated with me. It was absolutely brutal. Most mornings, I had to literally talk myself into getting up out of bed. Yes, I mean out loud. I told myself to do each motion -- to sit up, move the covers back, put one foot on the ground, then the other...

I learned how to slog through the agony, how to hone in on my unwavering goal, and how to set a pace that I could maintain until I reached that goal. I learned how to foster a constructive mindset, despite the mayhem and emotional pain.

Our reunification began when my older daughter Emily sent a reply to one of my texts in August 2014, after over a year of phone silence. I was at work, and about fell out of my office chair!

Emily ended up moving in with me, which gradually paved the way for reconnecting with my younger daughter Sydney. The journey back has been slow, with plenty of twists and turns. But, having my daughters back in my life is worth everything to me.

If you are currently in a parental alienation situation, you can get through this! I am just a regular person. I am not a psychologist or an attorney. I didn't have significant resources or any special ability. I was just a parent determined to have a relationship with my daughters again.

Let me help you get there.

Subscribe to this blog. Find me on YouTube, Facebook and Instagram. Send me your questions. I will do my best to address them in future blogs and videos.

Until next time, hang in there. A parent's love for their child is always and forever, no matter what.

Is it still Mother's Day without my child?

Hands down, this holiday was the hardest of days for me to endure while alienated from my daughters. 

It took significant effort just to breathe. For moms missing their children, Mother's Day delivers unbearable cruelty.

Perhaps, you may be fortunate enough to have a few awkward, stiff moments with your child. Perhaps, there may simply be a silent, cavernous void -- no call, no visit, no contact at all. Perhaps, you may even witness a replacement figure enthusiastically celebrated in your place on social media.

This lovely, spring day meant to bestow honor and joy can become viciously excruciating and humiliating in a highly public manner for an alienated mother. It would be irresponsible of me to sugarcoat or minimize this agony.

If you are an alienated mother, I urge you to make a survival plan ahead of time -- STAT. 

Your most important task is getting through the holiday weekend, safe and sound. You CAN do this.

Find a quiet space or a safe person and plan out what you need to cope.

If you need to surround yourself with supportive people, reach out to them now. If you need to be alone and cry all day, cancel all activities and stock up on tissues. Go for a long drive or head out of town. Sit in a movie theatre all day. Climb a mountain. 

Do whatever will help you move through your pain to get to the next day.

Just be sure to select a strategy that doesn't move you backwards. Steer clear of overspending, risky substance use, dangerous situations, or making major or permanent decisions of any kind. 

You want to shelter in place, not lose ground or jeopardize the possibility of reconnecting with your child. Above all, do not punish yourself, internally or otherwise.

You may be stripped of your parenting role at this moment, but you are -- and will always be -- a  mother. 

Right now, being a good, strong mom means preserving your own well being so you can be there for your child in the future.

Know that you will be in my heart especially on this day.

'Tis the Season: 5 Steps for Surviving the Holidays

The holidays are upon us, and you may find yourself buried in bah humbugs.

I assure you that is 100 percent okay, IF you have a solid plan to take good care of yourself. You get to define what you can -- and cannot -- manage through this season. Your mental health is far more important than any tradition or social gesture, no matter how festive.

I know you are inclined to power through the holiday activities that you are supposed to do. 

Every alienated parent I have encountered has been driven to do the right thing and avoid letting people down. An important part of learning to cope with alienation is setting healthy boundaries and grounding yourself in your own wellbeing.

If you lack a self-care plan, let's get to work on that STAT. Here are my five steps for surviving the holidays:

1.    Take inventory. Make a list of everything potentially on your plate through the new year, including usual traditions, unlikely opportunities, holiday gatherings of any kind, decadent ideas, and expected gift giving. Write it all down: baking cookies, skiing vacation, visiting your cousin, lighting candles, hanging stockings, or volunteering at the food bank.

2.    Make an energy list. Brainstorm non-harmful activities known to make you feel good, elevate your mood, and give you energy. This might be taking a scenic drive, watching the sun rise, going for a run, chatting with an old friend, climbing a mountain, or curling up on the couch with a book. If you already have an energy list, grab it now and update it with any fresh ideas.

3.    Compare lists. Do any items on your inventory list feel like items on your energy list? Circle those.

4.    Trim with abandon. Cross off items on your inventory list that aren't circled. Decline all invitations and demands that make you feel drained or uneasy. Say no as much as you need to. For the next few weeks, intentionally choose each activity that you include in your daily schedule.

5.    Rewrite your playbook. Now that you've cleared most of your end-of-year calendar, fill your time with restorative activities and connect with the positive people in your life. Consider escaping for a last-minute, out-of-town adventure or tackling a project that you've been putting off. Your goal is positive distraction.

Focus on using this time to recharge yourself. Give yourself permission to feel whatever you need to and adjust accordingly. You can laugh and feel joyous even if you are missing your child. You can feel devastated and mournful even through a season of celebration.

And, remember to make allowances for falling apart should you need to.

What's Love Got to Do With It? -- Part Two: Dating During Alienation

We need to talk about dating. Even if you are absolutely certain you are not going to date anyone. At all. Perhaps ever again.

Things happen.

My first post-divorce relationship began with my declaring that I sooooo was NOT looking for anything serious to a handsome chap. Um, yeah. We ended up dating exclusively for over two years. I know I'm not alone with this type of story.

Love can arrive when we least expect it.

Furthermore, most of us do eventually miss having a reliable plus one -- someone who snuggles up with us on the couch, picks us up at the airport, and brings us soup when we have a raging fever. This void can be amplified by the absence of your child.

So, we find ourselves absently swiping photos left and right on our phones, making small talk with a stranger while sitting on a stool at a hipster bar, and wondering whether radio silence from last night's second date means we are being ghosted or breadcrumbed.

If we are lucky, we meet someone who make us feel alive again. Someone who feels like sunshine and hope and fresh-baked cookies. And, boy can we use plenty of that right about now!

But, wait. 

Is dating during parental alienation even a sane idea?

The truth is that starting a new relationship while you are alienated from your child can be an enormous challenge. It can also be an escape, a much-needed indulgence that feeds your soul and pushes you to grow as a person.

Ultimately, the decision to date or not is yours alone, but let's look at some factors to consider that parental alienation may bring to the table.

Overwhelming Guilt 

Dating after divorce is always tricky for parents, but alienation slathers an extra-thick layer of guilt over the top. You might have doubts churning, such as:

• Given the chaos and drama impacting my life, is it possible to build a stable relationship with someone new? 
• Do I deserve to feel happy while my child is experiencing trauma and rejecting me? 
• Is it okay to move on, or could a new partner jeopardize my child coming back to me? 
• Does dating someone new demonstrate that I don't care about my child?

The very state of feeling good and wanted can also feel selfish and shameful during quiet moments when you are mourning your child. The polarization of baseless rejection and intoxicating infatuation can create a wild emotional rollercoaster. Gaining reasonable perspective simply may not be feasible during alienation, especially in the early stages.

Depleted Resources 

Alienation consumes a tremendous amount of time, energy, emotion, finances, thought, and sanity. Key factors may be in frequent states of flux: discretionary income, living arrangements, expenses, schedule, tolerance for others. This isn't an ideal state for evaluating  a new partnership. It's an invitation for attracting an imbalanced relationship and codependency.

In my observation and personal experience, parents who experience alienation can take longer to gain enough stability to establish a solid, healthy relationship. This does not mean that you are not deserving or capable; it means that there are external factors that require your focus. It means that you may have more repair to be ready for a functional partnership.

Awkward Explanations 

How does one find the words to explain alienation -- especially to a potential love interest? Basic dating advice cautions against criticizing your ex or letting those skeletons escape the closet early on.

Yet, parental alienation is life-changing. It is a major element of your personal story. If you are dating, I encourage you to be upfront about your situation. No, you don't need to disclose it on your profile or mention it during a first date, but tackle the topic sooner than later.

Own it. Unpack it. Practice talking about it in a safe environment until you can discuss it without falling apart. It is impossible to disclose alienation without addressing some heavy, clunky, depressing junk, but you can learn to talk about how it impacts you in a calm, neutral manner.

Any potential partner deserves to know the complex burden that you carry. They need to know how support you as you navigate and cope through the chaos. They need to understand how they can respect your perspective and expertise without needing to fix the situation, regardless of how well-intentioned they may be.

Even though my daughters are young adults and are firmly back in my life, alienation still warrants discussion with any new love interest of mine, because it altered my perspective, my entire family, and many of my friendships. The aftermath will forever influence how I communicate with and make decisions regarding my daughters. It is a permanent facet of our history.

Learning Opportunities 

Alienation is so consuming that it can make your world very small as you go through the motions of life. This might be necessary for some periods of time, but it isn't conducive for long-term existence and personal development.

It is important to invite new experiences and fresh input into your life. This includes interactions with new people and the opportunity to practice positive, meaningful interactions.

You need reasons to laugh and explore. You need to observe what you like, what you don't like, and what you can change.

You need to be exposed to how other people have relationships with their exes and children through divorce. Sometimes, we can't recognize past dysfunction until we have the chance to see better examples. You need to recognize your negative patterns and triggers, baggage that you still need to work on, potential areas of growth, and the amazing things that you bring to a potential partnership.

You also will benefit from practicing setting healthy boundaries, working on management of emotions (no, not just side-stepping them), and developing adept communication skills through sensitive and vulnerable topics and situations.

All of these things can be discovered through dating -- when you are ready.

Compartmentalizing Joy 

While it isn't a permanent solution, compartmentalizing various segments of your life can be an effective approach to coping with pain and inviting growth.

During alienation, my house felt so depressingly empty. I would get cold sweats and nausea while walking down the hallway to my girls' bedrooms. Everything reminded me of their absence.

Heading to my then-boyfriend's beautiful home for the weekend felt like chocolate. It was a much-needed indulgence. Maybe it wasn't a sustainable, day-to-day reality for me, but it felt good. It was a safe place where I could step outside of my grief for awhile. I could give myself permission to feel joy and comfort and love. I needed that.

This type of relationship may not be able to absorb the harsh reality of the rest of your life, but it can be a wonderful thing to enjoy the company of a loving and understanding companion.

Kintsugi  

In Part One, I explained that, in all likelihood, your relationship with your ex was significantly dysfunctional. On top of that trauma, you are experiencing the unnatural experience of being separated from your own children.

I don't need to tell you this is soul-shattering stuff. You are vulnerable. You are recuperating from unhealthy relationship patterns. You are learning how to establish better boundaries and cope through unthinkable pain.

While the damage cannot be erased, you do have the opportunity to become a stronger, wiser person. You can honor your broken pieces and mend them like the Japanese art of kintsugi, which beautifully repairs broken pottery with precious metal. The method embraces breakage as part of the history of an object, rather than something to disguise.

Heal. Do the work. Seek counsel. Become an expert at patience, empathy, communication.  Discover the depth and strength that comes from surviving alienation. Your resilience and ability to slog through trauma are strong assets to bring to a new relationship.

But, find your complete self before you attach to someone new.

Love & Logic 

I have found that most alienated parents have major similarities. They tend to be dedicated, hard-working, and logical. They tirelessly return to analyze ongoing problems, seeking practical, respectful solutions. They observe. They adjust. They research. They look for causes and consider their own possible contribution to the situation first.

These are all formidable traits, but they are also attributes that can be manipulated by pervasive mayhem and manipulation. Logic and trying harder are useless for combating intentional chaos, putting out incessant frivolous wildfires, or chasing randomly moving targets.

So, what does this have to do with dating?

Logical, rational, hard-working people with weak boundaries are an appealing target for unstable, manipulative types. Realize that you will probably attract new types of dysfunctional romantic relationships -- at least for a while. You will likely encounter some "learning experience" encounters before you connect with someone in a constructive way.

Do your homework about setting boundaries and move slowly into any new relationship. Be still that beating heart of yours. Really. Time brings wisdom.

Losing Ground 

I know you don't want to hear this, but it needs to be said: A new love interest can indeed amplify alienation, even if you are careful and mindful about dating. It is a real risk.

Alienation involves psychological splitting -- viewing one parent as all good and the other as all bad. Anyone associated with you, including a new partner, may be included in that negative perspective, amplifying the campaign that you are disinterested or unsafe.

Your dating may inspire your ex to make inappropriate remarks or demonstrate their emotional distress to your child in response. This may inspire your child to feel sad for, side with, or protect the other parent. As I mentioned in Part One, either party moving on is a common catalyst for parental alienation. Dating isn't wrong or a direct cause of alienation, but, like any major life change, it can potentially be used as powerful ammunition against your connection with your child.

Also, your new partner may not be able to handle the stress and chaos of alienation or may have trouble respecting the approach you need to take as an estranged parent. This can result in incredibly difficult, gut-wrenching decisions and may compromise your adult relationship.

Walking the Walk

That said, building a healthy, full, dynamic life is ultimately one of the best things you can do for both yourself and your child. If you are grounded, happy, and fulfilled in other areas of your life, you will weather alienation with more resilience, perspective, and patience.

Demonstrating that you can thrive after disconnecting from your ex is so important for empowering your child, so they can witness that becoming a separate, independent person is possible. Demonstrating a supportive, loving, mature partnership can help your child understand how to develop healthy adult relationships later.

Determining when, how, and if you decide to date is one of the most complex life decisions you can make during parental alienation. It is worthy of ample thought and mindful intent.

What's Love Got to Do with It? -- Part One: When Moving On Motivates Alienation

Yes, I am going there.

Today, I am tackling the dreaded topic of your love life. Actually, this elephant in the room is such a humdinger, it deserves TWO articles.

This is Part One: When Moving On Motivates Alienation. Make yourself comfortable, and let's dig in.

When I separated from my husband of 18 years, I researched the best way to go about it. I read articles about how to have a "good" divorce. How to part ways as peacefully as possible. How to avoid traumatizing your kids through the process.

I printed the best ones and gave them to my ex, naively believing he would gravitate towards the same page. Let's just say that didn't happen. < Cue laughter from Captain Obvious.>

For several months, we did have a workable 50/50 schedule, albeit with plenty of growing concerns: deteriorating communication, lack of schedule compliance, and increasing hostility from my girls.

One day, I received an invitation to a grown-up birthday party. It happened to fall on a kid-free weekend, and I finally felt ready to go out and be an adult. Let's go! Woot, woot!

I got dressed up, grabbed an old friend to come along, and went to enjoy some great company, live music, and sangria. I smiled and laughed. I danced. I met fun, new people.

A couple of days later, I learned that photos of the event had been posted online. My ex was enraged to see evidence of my moving on. Looking back at that conversation, I can now recognize early threats of alienation, but the concept was so foreign and unfathomable to me at the time, I didn't understand what was to come.

My daughters' anger at me skyrocketed immediately afterwards, suggesting that my evening out had been shared with them in a derogatory manner.

A short time later, my ex brought a date and one of her children to my older daughter's ballet performance. While it was a surprise to me, I was determined to weather the situation with a smile. But, the bigger surprise was my own kids shunning me in public for the first time.

I was home doing laundry and chores the following day, when my younger daughter burst through the front door and ran to her room without saying a word. She frantically grabbed a pile of clothes and ran back out to my ex's car idling on the driveway -- refusing help, refusing to explain what was wrong. She didn't come back for two years.

And, just like that, I was erased.

The new girlfriend promptly moved in with my ex, along with her two young children. By Mother's Day, social media was decorated with shiny pictures of their new combined family unit.

Meanwhile, my stunned heart bled.

So, how can good intentions spiral into a hideous nightmare so fast?

NEWS FLASH:  It only seemed fast. I was hosed from the start. I just didn't know it.

If you are experiencing any significant degree of alienation from your children, we can assume that your relationship with your ex had no shortage of dysfunction. The groundwork for alienation began a long time ago. It was woven into the fabric of your family dynamics, well before your divorce began.

When I talk with other alienated parents, our stories are eerily similar -- filled with boundary issues, enabling, imbalance, acceptance of negative behaviors, tolerating chaos. Your children have been raised in that environment. They understand deeply that you are either on your ex's team or you are the enemy.

Alienation isn't a sudden turn in the road, even if it seems that way. It is a lifetime campaign of your ex versus anyone not on their side.

Parental alienation typically amplifies when you or your ex moves on.

If you move on, your ex may feel jealous or threatened. Your becoming a separate entity is a personal offense, a blow to their ego. They may chafe at the reminder that you are no longer on their team or the feeling that they have lost influence over you.

If your ex moves on, your existence may become inconvenient for the new "perfect family" script. They may no longer have use for you. Your ex might use negative stories about you to gain alliance with their new partner. Your ex's new relationship will likely be as dysfunctional as yours was and may involve jealousy, control, and anger management issues.

Your child will be drawn into this dynamic, which will seem familiar and "safe," while your own burgeoning independence will seem foreign and scary them. You are now an outsider.

Remember that it is entirely normal to move on after divorce. Ideally, it is handled in a respectful, mindful manner with regard to your children. With alienation, you don't have that luxury. Articles and mainstream advice will not adequately prepare you for a successful experience.

As always, I encourage you to employ any legal resources that are reasonably available to you to preserve contact with your child. Beyond that, one of your best investments is exploring and healing your relationship issues behind alienation and the deterioration of your relationship with your ex. Work with a counselor. Read books. Join support groups. Do the work.

You originally selected your ex for a reason. Things went sideways for a reason.

Making progress with your child depends upon solving those issues for yourself. Avoiding another dysfunctional relationship in the future depends upon solving those issues. New chaotic relationships will move you away from your child and drain your energy. Make your personal development a priority.

Allow me to state clearly: This is not your fault. It isn't fair. Unfortunately, there is no magic wand. Keep your focus on progress that is under your control.

What's Love Got to Do With It? -- Part Two: Dating During Alienation

Thrive Global article is live: You’re going to think I must be a lousy mother.

Guess what?

My article "You’re going to think I must be a lousy mother." about the complex nature of parental alienation was published on Thrive Global. I'm just a LITTLE excited about this! You can check it out here. 

You're going to think I must be a lousy mother.

Parental alienation kills the soul. We need to stop looking the other way.

Devalued to Death: The Story of Michele Neurauter

It's a hot topic in the parental alienation community right now: 48 Hours Karrie's Choice episode that aired on Saturday, March 23rd.

In update New York, 46-year-old Michele Neurauter had been alienated by her two older daughters, while her youngest still resided with her.

After years of manipulation, the father Lloyd gave their middle daughter Karrie a horrifying ultimatum: He would commit suicide unless she helped him kill her mother. Karrie agreed to help him gain access to Michele's home for her murder in August 2017.

Two weeks before trial, Lloyd admitted to strangling Michele and staging the scene to seem like suicide. Lloyd killed his ex-wife in attempt to gain custody of their youngest daughter and avoid paying child support.

During the segment, CBS correspondent Erin Moriarty asks the question anyone unfamiliar with parental alienation struggles with, "She's a smart girl. She could have said no."

Steuben County District Attorney Brooks Baker explains that parental alienation goes beyond merely disliking a parent, "It causes them to absolutely devalue them as people."

It causes them to absolutely devalue them as people.

Exactly this! Devaluation is how parental alienation strips a mother or father of their role, even after years of love, affection, support, and involvement. They are no longer considered a person of worth, often to the point of erasing them completely.

In psychology, devaluation is viewing someone as completely flawed and worthless. It is a defense mechanism that is the opposite of idealization (which the alienating parent demands).

Devaluation enables all sorts of bad things, such as domestic violence, sexual assault, and mass shootings. Compassion and human connection keep us from wanting to hurt another person.

To a lesser degree, many people devalue others. For instance, when something difficult or upsetting happens to someone, people tend to step back from the discomfort to separate from the trauma. We search for a reason that allows us to think it couldn't happen to us, even if that places some or all of the blame on the victim. It takes a mature, mindful, secure position to maintain empathy.

Children in the process of alienating a parent feel intense discomfort, and their security is threatened. They are desperate to reduce this stress, which they alleviate by aligning further with the alienating parent. They are rewarded for rejecting the other parent and punished for showing fondness for them. While divorce is often a catalyst for alienation, it typically occurs in families with long-term dysfunction that may not have been visible to outsiders.

As a formerly alienated parent, I find Michele Neurauter's fate deeply disturbing, as I am certain you do, too. Thankfully, alienation cases ending in murder are rare, but being erased in all other ways is all too common.

I appreciate the attention being shed on the subject. I mourn the passing of a parent who had to endure the agony of losing her children. I worry that her story will be dismissed as sensationalist without people understanding the magnitude and complexity of the problem.

The Art of Falling Apart

Usually, I encourage you to hang in there, pace yourself, and stay in the game. So, why am I now giving advice about falling apart?

Because, you will. You will hit a wall that seems utterly insurmountable. You will run out of steam. Your heart will shatter. You will have moments when you can't help but melt into a sobbing puddle. These things will happen more than once, and likely without much warning.

Parental alienation feels like your child is being kidnapped in maddening, unrelenting increments that no one else seems to comprehend. The situation is entirely unnatural, traumatic and inhuman. It is lonely and isolating. It isn't fair to expect of anyone. Nevertheless, you need to cope through it.

So, it's okay to fall apart. In fact, I want you to prepare for it. I just don't want you to STAY there.

I was well into my alienation phase and had learned to keep plodding along and functioning at life reasonably well. On this particular day, I had a busy morning of errands and working out at the gym, followed by attending a baby shower for a family member in the afternoon. The gift was wrapped, I put on a cute outfit, and I was ready to go.

Until, I wasn't. 

Just as soon as I buckled up into my car, I lost it. Completely. I sat in my garage, unable to move as disturbingly guttural howls poured from my body, and my eyes swelled with a river of tears. I felt nauseous, and I gasped for breath. I had landed firmly on the "Do not pass go" square. Needless to say, I didn't make it to the party.

Since we know they will happen anyhow, let's own those inevitable moments of disaster. Here are my top ten tips on embracing the art of falling apart.

1. Realize that you will lose it once in a while, despite your best intentions. This doesn't mean you are broken. Get comfortable with this idea, even if you don't like it.

2. Plan ahead for freak-out activities. You laugh now, but it works wonders. Make sure you have the good, extra-soft tissues. Buy some ugly dishes from a yard sale, so you can smash them in the privacy of your own garage when you need to. Get boxing gloves and hang a heavy bag. Make a melt-down music playlist. Whatever appeals to you. The idea is to release, not squelch.

3. If you have housemates, warn them. Explain how they can be supportive of your low moments.

4. Learn to recognize the oncoming feeling. Does your anxiety rise? Do you start to feel scattered or have trouble making decisions? Are there triggers that tend to set you off? Do you get more easily annoyed or irritable?

5. When you feel like you might fall apart, get to a safe, judgment-free environment as soon as possible. Cancel or reschedule commitments and make some time to not function for a while.

6. Set limits for yourself right away. Your goal is to grieve and blow off steam, not create more problems for yourself. Give yourself an end time that doesn't interfere with your daily life commitments. Set a timer or ask a friend to check on you.

I actually did this. While leaving my daughter's ballet performance, I realized that I had no idea when I would see her again, on stage or otherwise. I could barely hold it together until I got home, but I made a deal with myself along the way. I gave myself permission to lose my marbles until 10:00 pm, because I had to be ready to function at work the next morning. I collapsed just as soon as I crossed my threshold and blubbered until the timer went off.

7. In advance, make an agreement with yourself that you will NOT engage in harmful behaviors while you fall apart. Don't destroy valuables, important documents, photos or other irreplaceable items. Don't break the law or drive your vehicle while under the influence or upset. Avoid alcohol and other substances. Instead, use those pre-planned, freak-out activities from tip #2.

8. Take any preventative measures you need to. Put away your car keys, lock the liquor cabinet, turn off your phone -- do NOT text your ex! Enlist a trusted friend to help with this, if necessary.

9. Lean into it. If you're going lose it, you might as well do it with gusto. I know this seems silly while you are calm, but it's important to really express and let go of your agony when it builds up.

10. Most importantly, don't criticize or punish yourself for falling apart, during or afterwards. Accept it as part of coping through an incredibly challenging situation so you can continue to reach out to your child.

How alienation happens, and why it doesn't really matter (very much).

“Do you understand that your children have abandoned you?”

Life as I knew it had deconstructed, and I was desperately searching for answers. A forensic psychologist asked me this question at the end of our first hour-long consultation. I had held steady throughout the appointment until that moment.

When I nodded in affirmation, I started to sob heavily.

It was true. Both of my daughters refused to see, speak, text or otherwise interact with me. The change had been swift, extreme, and without any apparent provocation. I was bewildered and had no idea how something like this could happen or how to fix it.

Parental alienation is the rejection of a parent. In a divorce situation, it can happen when a child is provided with misinformation and/or manipulation that creates pressure to choose one parent by excluding the other. 

Even in cooperative separations, children can feel an unintended tug and pull between their parents. On the other end of the spectrum, severe alienation can cause children to shun a parent entirely, refusing any form of contact. This alienation is often extended to family members and friends associated with the rejected parent, also referred to as the targeted parent.

There are informative books and articles written by counseling professionals about the psychological causes and concerns related to parental alienation. If you haven’t read any yet, I highly recommend Surviving Parental Alienation by Amy J. L. Baker and Paul R. Fine as a starting point. Reading practical information addressing how and why alienation can occur will help you develop better skills to communicate carefully, deflect chaos, and manage your emotions, which will be understandably heightened.

It is likely that your relationship with your ex was highly dysfunctional. Your research about parental alienation will introduce a variety of concepts that may explain your own predicament, including:

• ·         Narcissistic Personality Disorder
• ·         Borderline Personality Disorder
• ·         Various forms of abuse (emotional, verbal, financial)
• ·         Mental Health Issues, such as Manic Depressive or Bipolar Disorder
• ·         Arrested development
• ·         Substance abuse

Do plenty of reading about any factors that resonate with you. It’s helpful to have an understanding of how your situation may have developed and what related challenges you may be facing. But, that’s pretty much where the helpfulness ends. Theory is good, but an alienated parent needs a practical plan for coping with the long haul.

My recommendation is to make peace with not knowing exactly why. You will probably never get a clinical explanation for your ex’s choices and behaviors. You cannot make claims that your ex has a particular condition, because you are not his or her psychiatrist. Your ex will not likely acknowledge any wrong doing or dysfunction or receive therapy for issues related to the alienation. These things are not within your control, and they aren't your responsibility.

Here’s why it doesn’t matter anyhow: Understanding why can’t solve this, no matter how intensely you want that explanation. You must learn to navigate whatever the situation happens to be. You must stay the course through the chaos.

If you still feel a strong need for justice or vindication, pause to ask yourself if that is more important to you than having a relationship with your child. Of course it isn't, or you wouldn't be here reading this article! Instead, direct your precious energy on working towards reconnecting with your son or daughter.

Now, grab your library card and request some books!

Staying power is everything.

My dad first introduced me to the concept of staying power, or the ability to maintain an activity or commitment over time. Those many years ago, he used it as a business reference, a company having the reserves to keep the doors open until it reached a stage of profitability.

Staying power ended up being a critical consideration for me when I found myself in the thick of parental alienation. I was exhausted, discouraged, and my resources were depleted.

I had tried legal assistance, mediation, and various types of counseling (all expensive ventures). I was paying copious amounts of child support each month, yet had zero interaction with my two teenage daughters.

I was also operating in a severe emotional deficit. Repeatedly reaching out into the dark only to be met with rejection bruises the soul. And, yet, I could not, would not ever stop. My rejectors were my own children, and this situation was not of their choosing.

To say I was exhausted is an understatement, and my go-to coping activities (hiking, racquetball or cardio kickboxing, with a yoga chaser) weren't working enough anymore. My cousin Cheryl, an avid runner, helped me see that I had passed the "sprint" phase of my plight and was now in a marathon. I needed to adjust my pace for the long run.

Keeping the door cracked open with your child during alienation, to whatever tiny degree is possible, is essential for the possibility of reconnecting one day. Your effort makes you that much more accessible when their "light bulb" moment of realization happens, and they are ready to consider that you may not be the enemy. Attempts at contact, even if each gesture is rebuffed, are counter-evidence demonstrating that you are NOT an evil monster who doesn't care.

At one point, I was so entirely cut out of my daughters' lives that my only source of information about them was the grapevine -- random comments, screenshots and updates via friends who still had some level of contact with my kids and were brave enough to share a few details with me.

This is how I learned my older daughter Emily graduated a year early from high school. While I was leaving my office one evening, I received a text from a friend who had seen Emily's graduation mentioned on Facebook. The news stopped me in my tracks. Being left out of this landmark moment brought tears to my eyes, much to the awkward dismay of a young coworker who immediately regretted asking if I was okay.

I was fairly certain that my daughters were still receiving my texts, although many months had gone by without any sort of response at that point. My texts had admittedly become pathetic, between my lack of knowledge about what was happening in their lives and a massive communication black hole. I was also keenly aware that everything I did was "wrong" and used to campaign against me. Stretches of unanswered "I love you" messages seemed desperate, so I interspersed them with remarks about the weather and current events.

It sounds a bit ridiculous to someone who hasn't experienced alienation, but I began to notice that the simple act of sending a one-sided text -- which had become hugely important to maintain -- had developed a weighty emotional price for me. To set a pace that I could maintain for the long haul, I had to mindfully observe what frequency of black-hole texts I could send without feeling overly defeated and risk losing momentum.

If you are experiencing parental alienation, start evaluating your efforts and whether you are able to continue them over a long period of time. Financial considerations are important, but don't underestimate less tangible resources, like time, energy, and emotional stability. Your goal is long-term staying power, setting a pace that you can maintain for an undetermined length of time.

Hang in there. If you have questions for me or suggestions for related topics that you'd like me to address, send me a message.

You need to set a goal. Here's why.

If you are  alienated from your child, you need to intentionally set a specific, long-term goal.

Mine was simply "have a relationship with my kids someday." It became my mental mantra, the measure that I made all decisions from. When faced with any type of choice, I asked myself whether it would bring me closer to reconnecting with my daughters, or could it possibly push that possibility further away at all.

Performing well at your job, exercising and eating right, being careful with your funds -- all of these choices help you remain stable and enhance the possibility of seeing your child one day. Venting carelessly about your ex, escaping with alcohol or drugs, slacking off at work -- all of these things potentially stand in the way of making progress with your son or daughter, directly or indirectly.

Overcoming parental alienation relies on having a strategy that can withstand however long it takes for your child to realize that they may have been mislead into shunning you. Even after their "light bulb" moment, rebuilding your connection may take time. There is no quick fix.

Why is having a goal so important?

When dealing with alienation, the chances are high that you are separating from a dysfunctional relationship that may involve some form of abuse, mental health issues, or substance issues. You are likely exhausted from chasing constant chaos and conflicts, which are unnerving and deplete your resources. You need a plan that can withstand external inconsistencies.

Let's take a look at what makes the tactics of manipulative or abusive people so effective for a moment. Abusers tend to relentlessly pursue a single goal with vigor and tenacity. Sure, they also ignore rules, let everything else fall apart, burn bridges, and lack compassion, but their focus and fortitude is indeed impressive. And, they are creative, charming, and convincing.

While I don't recommend a negative approach (breaking rules, lying, being spiteful), locking in on your goal will help pull you through. It will lend you conviction and commitment when progress seems impossible. It will push you to go to the soccer game, even though your child may ignore you. When you seemingly run out of options, it will remind you to brainstorm  out-of-the-box solutions.

Write your goal down. Use it as a background image on your phone. Write it on a slip of paper that you carry in your wallet. Anything that will remind you daily of your top priority.

Share your goal with us in the comments!