Is it still Mother's Day without my child?

Hands down, this holiday was the hardest of days for me to endure while alienated from my daughters. 

It took significant effort just to breathe. For moms missing their children, Mother's Day delivers unbearable cruelty.

Perhaps, you may be fortunate enough to have a few awkward, stiff moments with your child. Perhaps, there may simply be a silent, cavernous void -- no call, no visit, no contact at all. Perhaps, you may even witness a replacement figure enthusiastically celebrated in your place on social media.

This lovely, spring day meant to bestow honor and joy can become viciously excruciating and humiliating in a highly public manner for an alienated mother. It would be irresponsible of me to sugarcoat or minimize this agony.

If you are an alienated mother, I urge you to make a survival plan ahead of time -- STAT. 

Your most important task is getting through the holiday weekend, safe and sound. You CAN do this.

Find a quiet space or a safe person and plan out what you need to cope.

If you need to surround yourself with supportive people, reach out to them now. If you need to be alone and cry all day, cancel all activities and stock up on tissues. Go for a long drive or head out of town. Sit in a movie theatre all day. Climb a mountain. 

Do whatever will help you move through your pain to get to the next day.

Just be sure to select a strategy that doesn't move you backwards. Steer clear of overspending, risky substance use, dangerous situations, or making major or permanent decisions of any kind. 

You want to shelter in place, not lose ground or jeopardize the possibility of reconnecting with your child. Above all, do not punish yourself, internally or otherwise.

You may be stripped of your parenting role at this moment, but you are -- and will always be -- a  mother. 

Right now, being a good, strong mom means preserving your own well being so you can be there for your child in the future.

Know that you will be in my heart especially on this day.

How Endurance Can Lead to Overwhelm

Yesterday, I lost my sh*t. 

As in, full melt-down mode, reminiscent of my ol' days of alienation. Right up there with what I described in my previous article The Art of  Falling Apart.

Before I continue, I want to be clear that my intent is NOT to compare my current drama with being unable to see my kids. There simply is no comparison to that agony. 

My intent is to discuss the dynamics of sheer overwhelm, especially when it involves factors beyond your control, like with alienation. 

Alienated parents are frequently among the most diligent, hard-working people and are driven to tirelessly search for solutions, resist complaining, and push through the pain. There can be moments when this dedication alone simply isn't enough, and this "failure" to hold it all together can be immensely distressing.

Admittedly, the past few months have been challenging for me. Here are a few of the stressors that I have been dealing with:

• My dad has Alzheimer's and his condition is noticeably deteriorating, as expected.
• I've had major employment changes and launched a new business venture recently.
• I have a genetic, connective tissue disorder that causes an array of health problems that are amplified by stress. Some painful, some debilitating, some annoying. All more static to deal with.
• The holidays. No further remark needed.
• Omicron. No further remark needed.
• Ringing in the New Year with a brief, but amazingly dramatic, bout of food poisoning that caused me to miss celebrating my kid's birthday.

Oh. My Goodness. That's a lot.

But, here's the thing: I was pushing so dang hard to work through all of this, to stay positive, and to find solutions that I completely lost sight of the ENORMOUS collective weight that had accumulated on my shoulders.

I didn't want to -- perhaps could not -- face the sum total. My entire focus was on fighting the good fight, forging ahead, and keeping my chin up. I didn't allow room for just being human.

Yet, we are human. It is 100% normal to have limits.

I have little to no control over all of these factors. Sure, I can do my best to problem solve and mitigate, but I can't change these things directly. I can only navigate them and manage the impact. And, take good care of myself along the way.

I dropped the ball on that last one. I think I know why.

On an underlying level, I was -- I am -- scared. I'm scared of incrementally, tragically losing my father. I'm scared of the breath-taking risk and vulnerability of embarking into new professional territory. I'm scared of the impact of my own health issues.  

Fear has its purpose. It can help us pay attention and it can be a tremendous motivator, but only momentarily. When it does not let up, fear results in bone-deep exhaustion, skewed perspective, and anxiety.

Alienation dynamics are steeped in fear and trauma. As an alienated parent, you must have a plan to take care of yourself along the way. When the pressure mounts, intentionally increase restorative measures. 

Even simple things can make a difference, such as:

• Go outside. Fresh air and sunshine heal the body and mind and fill the soul.
• Set up a soothing environment as much as you can, paying attention to background music, lighting, and room temperature.
• Move. Physical movement increases blood flow and is known to improve mood. No need to make this overly complicated. Even stretching or taking a walk can be helpful.
• Listen to interesting or supportive podcasts. Auditory input can be a low-stress, low-effort way to plug in helpful information, distract, or improve mental outlook. Brené Brown is a current favorite of mine.
• Set a timer to check in with yourself throughout the day. Being consumed with stress can make you disconnect from basic things you need, like drinking water, breathing deeply, or eating regular meals.

Also, consider ongoing counseling if that is accessible for you. Enduring alienation is not something to bear alone, especially when it stretches out over years.

Take just a few minutes right now to evaluate whether you have been taking sufficient care of yourself lately. Close your eyes, settle, and take a few deep breaths. If you are feeling depleted, schedule some restorative actions in your day. I recommend actually putting reminder alerts in your phone.

I hope this coming year brings progress and healing to you all.

Five Reasons to Lose the Blame Game

I get it.

Being alienated from your child is baffling, overwhelming, and downright wrong. You're angry. You're suffering. You're sick with worry about your kid.

As much as you have cause to feel all of these, let go of blaming your ex. Wait! Before you think I've lost my mind, hear me out. The reasons are more selfish than gracious.

Reason 1: Public expressions of blame create more distance with your child, not less. Oversharing and distortion of information is common with alienation, so your accusations of brainwashing and manipulation will eventually reach your child and in a combative context.

True or not, your statements of blame will actually strengthen your child's resolve to reject you and defend your ex. They will not convince your child to reach out to you or understand that they are being misled.

Reason 2: Critical statements about your ex hurt your child. Children have an innate understanding that they come from both parental figures. Blaming your ex makes your child feel that shame and internalize your anger, even though the alienation is not their fault. Your child is so desperately aligned with the alienating parent that he or she will perceive criticism about your ex as a personal attack.

Reason 3: You may reinforce false information. Parental alienation dynamics are complex and difficult to grasp for people who have not experienced it. The general public, including teachers, mutual friends, and other parents, will not understand your dramatic statements of blame. In fact, your claims may make them suspect that you are the one at fault.

Most likely, they have already heard stories that have been spun about you, and people tend to believe the version they learned first. During alienation, your child corroborates your ex's misinformation about you. If someone  has heard that you went crazy, abandoned your kids, have an anger management problem, or are controlling, your blaming your ex will seem to support those arguments (even if they are entirely fabricated).

Your best weapon against the negative campaign against you isn't denying it with words, but consistently providing positive counter-evidence. Continue to demonstrate that you are rational, compassionate, supportive, calm, and desire a relationship with your child.

Reason 4: You may inadvertently reward your ex. Parental alienation is often associated with mental health conditions, such as narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Narcissists thrive on the emotional distress and attention of others. Learning that you are angry and upset may provide your ex with an emotional feed, an incentive to amplify their behavior.

The Gray Rock Method, a term coined by 180 Rule blogger Skylar, is recommended for effectively dealing with these types of disorders. Make all of your responses bland, factual and non-emotional. This approach is boring to a narcissist and encourages them to seek drama elsewhere.

Reason 5: Resentment will eat you alive. Parental alienation is a long journey, even after reunification begins, and your own mental health is imperative. You need to maintain the strength and perspective to endure the process. You can't afford to waste energy on blame that solves nothing.

Find constructive ways to vent your frustration and release your anger. Confide in close friends and family members who  keep your discussions confidential. Go for a long hike or work out at the gym. Journal about the pain and injustice -- then destroy your writing.

Understanding the causes of parental alienation and the dynamics that influence your specific situation will help you navigate, however most of these factors will remain outside of your control. Focus on the changes and progress that you can influence. Responding to alienation with negative behavior or dialogue towards your ex will amplify, not reduce, the problem.

Of course, if there are actionable issues at hand, I in no way discourage you from pursing appropriate legal action. Keep your legal proceedings professional, confidential, and as removed as possible from any interaction with your child.

Next time you feel the urge to blame your ex, ask yourself which is more important to you: a relationship with your child or personal restitution?

Yes, your life has been overturned, and your child is suffering. It is natural to want a prompt remedy, justice, validation, clearing of your reputation, or even an apology. Not only are these things difficult to obtain with parental alienation, they could come at a high price. Being preoccupied with blame could hinder your opportunity to reconnect with your child.