Is it still Mother's Day without my child?

Hands down, this holiday was the hardest of days for me to endure while alienated from my daughters. 

It took significant effort just to breathe. For moms missing their children, Mother's Day delivers unbearable cruelty.

Perhaps, you may be fortunate enough to have a few awkward, stiff moments with your child. Perhaps, there may simply be a silent, cavernous void -- no call, no visit, no contact at all. Perhaps, you may even witness a replacement figure enthusiastically celebrated in your place on social media.

This lovely, spring day meant to bestow honor and joy can become viciously excruciating and humiliating in a highly public manner for an alienated mother. It would be irresponsible of me to sugarcoat or minimize this agony.

If you are an alienated mother, I urge you to make a survival plan ahead of time -- STAT. 

Your most important task is getting through the holiday weekend, safe and sound. You CAN do this.

Find a quiet space or a safe person and plan out what you need to cope.

If you need to surround yourself with supportive people, reach out to them now. If you need to be alone and cry all day, cancel all activities and stock up on tissues. Go for a long drive or head out of town. Sit in a movie theatre all day. Climb a mountain. 

Do whatever will help you move through your pain to get to the next day.

Just be sure to select a strategy that doesn't move you backwards. Steer clear of overspending, risky substance use, dangerous situations, or making major or permanent decisions of any kind. 

You want to shelter in place, not lose ground or jeopardize the possibility of reconnecting with your child. Above all, do not punish yourself, internally or otherwise.

You may be stripped of your parenting role at this moment, but you are -- and will always be -- a  mother. 

Right now, being a good, strong mom means preserving your own well being so you can be there for your child in the future.

Know that you will be in my heart especially on this day.

Thrive Global article is live: You’re going to think I must be a lousy mother.

Guess what?

My article "You’re going to think I must be a lousy mother." about the complex nature of parental alienation was published on Thrive Global. I'm just a LITTLE excited about this! You can check it out here. 

You're going to think I must be a lousy mother.

Parental alienation kills the soul. We need to stop looking the other way.

Devalued to Death: The Story of Michele Neurauter

It's a hot topic in the parental alienation community right now: 48 Hours Karrie's Choice episode that aired on Saturday, March 23rd.

In update New York, 46-year-old Michele Neurauter had been alienated by her two older daughters, while her youngest still resided with her.

After years of manipulation, the father Lloyd gave their middle daughter Karrie a horrifying ultimatum: He would commit suicide unless she helped him kill her mother. Karrie agreed to help him gain access to Michele's home for her murder in August 2017.

Two weeks before trial, Lloyd admitted to strangling Michele and staging the scene to seem like suicide. Lloyd killed his ex-wife in attempt to gain custody of their youngest daughter and avoid paying child support.

During the segment, CBS correspondent Erin Moriarty asks the question anyone unfamiliar with parental alienation struggles with, "She's a smart girl. She could have said no."

Steuben County District Attorney Brooks Baker explains that parental alienation goes beyond merely disliking a parent, "It causes them to absolutely devalue them as people."

It causes them to absolutely devalue them as people.

Exactly this! Devaluation is how parental alienation strips a mother or father of their role, even after years of love, affection, support, and involvement. They are no longer considered a person of worth, often to the point of erasing them completely.

In psychology, devaluation is viewing someone as completely flawed and worthless. It is a defense mechanism that is the opposite of idealization (which the alienating parent demands).

Devaluation enables all sorts of bad things, such as domestic violence, sexual assault, and mass shootings. Compassion and human connection keep us from wanting to hurt another person.

To a lesser degree, many people devalue others. For instance, when something difficult or upsetting happens to someone, people tend to step back from the discomfort to separate from the trauma. We search for a reason that allows us to think it couldn't happen to us, even if that places some or all of the blame on the victim. It takes a mature, mindful, secure position to maintain empathy.

Children in the process of alienating a parent feel intense discomfort, and their security is threatened. They are desperate to reduce this stress, which they alleviate by aligning further with the alienating parent. They are rewarded for rejecting the other parent and punished for showing fondness for them. While divorce is often a catalyst for alienation, it typically occurs in families with long-term dysfunction that may not have been visible to outsiders.

As a formerly alienated parent, I find Michele Neurauter's fate deeply disturbing, as I am certain you do, too. Thankfully, alienation cases ending in murder are rare, but being erased in all other ways is all too common.

I appreciate the attention being shed on the subject. I mourn the passing of a parent who had to endure the agony of losing her children. I worry that her story will be dismissed as sensationalist without people understanding the magnitude and complexity of the problem.

This is NOT the end of the story.

Every real story is a never ending story. -- Michael Ende

Trigger topic warning: This article addresses suicide and depression.

I have written about the importance of staying power, finding a pace that you can maintain through the chaos over time.

Sometimes, it can be a very long time. I experienced nearly two years of severe alienation from my daughters. It felt like decades. My father missed out on fifteen years with my half sisters.

When you are stripped of contact with your child and your role as a parent, the loss can become all-consuming. It may seem like there are no further options, no reason for hope. Several people have reached out to me recently about the overwhelming depression that sets in, the feeling that there is nothing left. Some alienated parents feel unable to continue and begin to contemplate suicide.

Ivy Blonwyn shares in her article Alienated Fathers: Don't you DARE give up!,

‘I had the plan, the place, the rope,’ my husband, Rhys, told me. ‘I was going to end it all. I’d been a loving father and a good provider. What I didn’t realize is that my ex never intended to stay with me nor let me be a father to my children.' 

Indeed, suicide is a real concern. On December 29, 2013, Chris Mackney ended his life with a shotgun, leaving a suicide note that attributed his demise to a six year custody battle that left him unemployed, homeless, and alienated from his children.  His story is featured in Bullied to Death:Chris Mackney's Kafakaesque Divorce by Michael Volpe.

You matter, and this -- no matter how dismal and agonizing it may be -- is NOT the end of the story.

You, independent of being a parent, have value to bring to this world. As much as I encourage you to continue to reach out to your child, you have a right to pursue personal goals and self-development. You have a right to boundaries and limits that allow you to be a whole, functioning person.

Your stability and growth doesn't just benefit you; it improves the potential of reconnecting with your child one day. Your child deserves the opportunity to connect with you again one day. Don't take that chance away from him or her by giving up.

Project Semicolon expands on the concept that your story isn't over yet, thus a semicolon tattoo representing the next step, instead of the finality of a period. For me, a necklace with my endurance motto Always & Forever, No Matter What helped me hang on through my moments of darkness. Find what resonates with you and helps you get through those low points to reach tomorrow.

Nothing is more important than self-care.

If you have considered suicide, I urge you to seek the help you need. Call your counselor. Call a trusted friend. Call  the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

Five Reasons to Lose the Blame Game

I get it.

Being alienated from your child is baffling, overwhelming, and downright wrong. You're angry. You're suffering. You're sick with worry about your kid.

As much as you have cause to feel all of these, let go of blaming your ex. Wait! Before you think I've lost my mind, hear me out. The reasons are more selfish than gracious.

Reason 1: Public expressions of blame create more distance with your child, not less. Oversharing and distortion of information is common with alienation, so your accusations of brainwashing and manipulation will eventually reach your child and in a combative context.

True or not, your statements of blame will actually strengthen your child's resolve to reject you and defend your ex. They will not convince your child to reach out to you or understand that they are being misled.

Reason 2: Critical statements about your ex hurt your child. Children have an innate understanding that they come from both parental figures. Blaming your ex makes your child feel that shame and internalize your anger, even though the alienation is not their fault. Your child is so desperately aligned with the alienating parent that he or she will perceive criticism about your ex as a personal attack.

Reason 3: You may reinforce false information. Parental alienation dynamics are complex and difficult to grasp for people who have not experienced it. The general public, including teachers, mutual friends, and other parents, will not understand your dramatic statements of blame. In fact, your claims may make them suspect that you are the one at fault.

Most likely, they have already heard stories that have been spun about you, and people tend to believe the version they learned first. During alienation, your child corroborates your ex's misinformation about you. If someone  has heard that you went crazy, abandoned your kids, have an anger management problem, or are controlling, your blaming your ex will seem to support those arguments (even if they are entirely fabricated).

Your best weapon against the negative campaign against you isn't denying it with words, but consistently providing positive counter-evidence. Continue to demonstrate that you are rational, compassionate, supportive, calm, and desire a relationship with your child.

Reason 4: You may inadvertently reward your ex. Parental alienation is often associated with mental health conditions, such as narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Narcissists thrive on the emotional distress and attention of others. Learning that you are angry and upset may provide your ex with an emotional feed, an incentive to amplify their behavior.

The Gray Rock Method, a term coined by 180 Rule blogger Skylar, is recommended for effectively dealing with these types of disorders. Make all of your responses bland, factual and non-emotional. This approach is boring to a narcissist and encourages them to seek drama elsewhere.

Reason 5: Resentment will eat you alive. Parental alienation is a long journey, even after reunification begins, and your own mental health is imperative. You need to maintain the strength and perspective to endure the process. You can't afford to waste energy on blame that solves nothing.

Find constructive ways to vent your frustration and release your anger. Confide in close friends and family members who  keep your discussions confidential. Go for a long hike or work out at the gym. Journal about the pain and injustice -- then destroy your writing.

Understanding the causes of parental alienation and the dynamics that influence your specific situation will help you navigate, however most of these factors will remain outside of your control. Focus on the changes and progress that you can influence. Responding to alienation with negative behavior or dialogue towards your ex will amplify, not reduce, the problem.

Of course, if there are actionable issues at hand, I in no way discourage you from pursing appropriate legal action. Keep your legal proceedings professional, confidential, and as removed as possible from any interaction with your child.

Next time you feel the urge to blame your ex, ask yourself which is more important to you: a relationship with your child or personal restitution?

Yes, your life has been overturned, and your child is suffering. It is natural to want a prompt remedy, justice, validation, clearing of your reputation, or even an apology. Not only are these things difficult to obtain with parental alienation, they could come at a high price. Being preoccupied with blame could hinder your opportunity to reconnect with your child.

How alienation happens, and why it doesn't really matter (very much).

“Do you understand that your children have abandoned you?”

Life as I knew it had deconstructed, and I was desperately searching for answers. A forensic psychologist asked me this question at the end of our first hour-long consultation. I had held steady throughout the appointment until that moment.

When I nodded in affirmation, I started to sob heavily.

It was true. Both of my daughters refused to see, speak, text or otherwise interact with me. The change had been swift, extreme, and without any apparent provocation. I was bewildered and had no idea how something like this could happen or how to fix it.

Parental alienation is the rejection of a parent. In a divorce situation, it can happen when a child is provided with misinformation and/or manipulation that creates pressure to choose one parent by excluding the other. 

Even in cooperative separations, children can feel an unintended tug and pull between their parents. On the other end of the spectrum, severe alienation can cause children to shun a parent entirely, refusing any form of contact. This alienation is often extended to family members and friends associated with the rejected parent, also referred to as the targeted parent.

There are informative books and articles written by counseling professionals about the psychological causes and concerns related to parental alienation. If you haven’t read any yet, I highly recommend Surviving Parental Alienation by Amy J. L. Baker and Paul R. Fine as a starting point. Reading practical information addressing how and why alienation can occur will help you develop better skills to communicate carefully, deflect chaos, and manage your emotions, which will be understandably heightened.

It is likely that your relationship with your ex was highly dysfunctional. Your research about parental alienation will introduce a variety of concepts that may explain your own predicament, including:

• ·         Narcissistic Personality Disorder
• ·         Borderline Personality Disorder
• ·         Various forms of abuse (emotional, verbal, financial)
• ·         Mental Health Issues, such as Manic Depressive or Bipolar Disorder
• ·         Arrested development
• ·         Substance abuse

Do plenty of reading about any factors that resonate with you. It’s helpful to have an understanding of how your situation may have developed and what related challenges you may be facing. But, that’s pretty much where the helpfulness ends. Theory is good, but an alienated parent needs a practical plan for coping with the long haul.

My recommendation is to make peace with not knowing exactly why. You will probably never get a clinical explanation for your ex’s choices and behaviors. You cannot make claims that your ex has a particular condition, because you are not his or her psychiatrist. Your ex will not likely acknowledge any wrong doing or dysfunction or receive therapy for issues related to the alienation. These things are not within your control, and they aren't your responsibility.

Here’s why it doesn’t matter anyhow: Understanding why can’t solve this, no matter how intensely you want that explanation. You must learn to navigate whatever the situation happens to be. You must stay the course through the chaos.

If you still feel a strong need for justice or vindication, pause to ask yourself if that is more important to you than having a relationship with your child. Of course it isn't, or you wouldn't be here reading this article! Instead, direct your precious energy on working towards reconnecting with your son or daughter.

Now, grab your library card and request some books!