Recurring chaos and upheaval is distracting, aggravating and wastes your time and energy. While your children are minors, you do have some
vulnerability to these random whims, but you can take some preventative measures and select which "emergencies" support your long-term goal of having a healthy relationship with your child.
- Stick to facts when communicating with your ex to reduce drama and assumptions. If you are dealing with a manipulative ex, non-essential personal details may be skewed to work against you later.
- Follow up in writing, A paper trail may not stop erratic changes altogether, but written records can be helpful when dealing with outside parties. Group information, requests, and updates together, and try to send no more than one email per day. Avoid texting. Texts are easy to dismiss or misunderstand.
- Grown-up topics (such as money, schedules, and court proceedings) should be discussed with your ex only. If your child is sent with messages from your ex, remove their responsibility immediately with a statement like, "Thank you for telling me, honey. I will handle it from here" or "I need to discuss this directly with your mom/dad." This applies to teenagers, as well as younger children.
- Say yes to extra time with your kids without remark, even if it’s last-minute, inconvenient or an obvious ploy by your ex. It’s worth the cancellation of just about anything. If you have a work obligation that you can't miss, find a sitter or ask one of your family members to help.
- Retain and use your legal custody, even if your child rejects all contact with you. Legal custody means that you have a right to health and education decisions. You can interact with your child’s teachers, school, dentist, and doctors (within HIPAA limitations).
- Make sure you are listed as an emergency contact and that the correct contact information is included. Ask to be added to email notifications about school activities. On multiple occasions, education and medical decisions were made for my daughters without my prior knowledge or approval. I discovered that I wasn’t listed as a parent or emergency contact with their schools.
- Go to any and all public events involving your child, including team sport games, school open houses, awards ceremonies, and performances. Your child may act like or even tell you bluntly that they don’t want you to be there. Go anyway, even if it means zero acknowledgement of your presence. You want your child to remember that you showed up, that you always made an attempt.
- Any information you can identify in advance increases your chances of being involved, present, and prepared. Don't rely on your ex for details about your child's activities. Do your research: Check websites, newsletters, and posted schedules. Call to confirm details and purchase your own tickets.
- Pick your battles, but hold firm to important boundaries. It's okay to protect your resources, your sanity and your well-being to preserve your staying power, even if it's unpopular in the moment. A dog was once sent to live at my apartment without notice or my permission. I had to be the "bad guy" and give a hard no, which angered my child on the short term, but was a rational, feasible decision on the long-term.
- Address conflict directly with your ex and without your child present. Don't debate adult decisions with your child.
- Anticipate and plan around chaos and rejection. Bring a book in case they are late. Plan for extra expenses related to activities, sports, and school field trips. Mentally prepare to be ignored at public events. Brace yourself for invitations to be rejected, ideas to be dismissed, and generosity to go unrecognized. Have a restorative activity planned to recharge.
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