Today, I am tackling the dreaded topic of your love life. Actually, this elephant in the room is such a humdinger, it deserves TWO articles.
This is Part One: When Moving On Motivates Alienation. Make yourself comfortable, and let's dig in.
When I separated from my husband of 18 years, I researched the best way to go about it. I read articles about how to have a "good" divorce. How to part ways as peacefully as possible. How to avoid traumatizing your kids through the process.
I printed the best ones and gave them to my ex, naively believing he would gravitate towards the same page. Let's just say that didn't happen. < Cue laughter from Captain Obvious.>
For several months, we did have a workable 50/50 schedule, albeit with plenty of growing concerns: deteriorating communication, lack of schedule compliance, and increasing hostility from my girls.
One day, I received an invitation to a grown-up birthday party. It happened to fall on a kid-free weekend, and I finally felt ready to go out and be an adult. Let's go! Woot, woot!
I got dressed up, grabbed an old friend to come along, and went to enjoy some great company, live music, and sangria. I smiled and laughed. I danced. I met fun, new people.
A couple of days later, I learned that photos of the event had been posted online. My ex was enraged to see evidence of my moving on. Looking back at that conversation, I can now recognize early threats of alienation, but the concept was so foreign and unfathomable to me at the time, I didn't understand what was to come.
My daughters' anger at me skyrocketed immediately afterwards, suggesting that my evening out had been shared with them in a derogatory manner.
A short time later, my ex brought a date and one of her children to my older daughter's ballet performance. While it was a surprise to me, I was determined to weather the situation with a smile. But, the bigger surprise was my own kids shunning me in public for the first time.
I was home doing laundry and chores the following day, when my younger daughter burst through the front door and ran to her room without saying a word. She frantically grabbed a pile of clothes and ran back out to my ex's car idling on the driveway -- refusing help, refusing to explain what was wrong. She didn't come back for two years.
And, just like that, I was erased.
The new girlfriend promptly moved in with my ex, along with her two young children. By Mother's Day, social media was decorated with shiny pictures of their new combined family unit.
Meanwhile, my stunned heart bled.
So, how can good intentions spiral into a hideous nightmare so fast?
NEWS FLASH: It only seemed fast. I was hosed from the start. I just didn't know it.
If you are experiencing any significant degree of alienation from your children, we can assume that your relationship with your ex had no shortage of dysfunction. The groundwork for alienation began a long time ago. It was woven into the fabric of your family dynamics, well before your divorce began.
When I talk with other alienated parents, our stories are eerily similar -- filled with boundary issues, enabling, imbalance, acceptance of negative behaviors, tolerating chaos. Your children have been raised in that environment. They understand deeply that you are either on your ex's team or you are the enemy.
Alienation isn't a sudden turn in the road, even if it seems that way. It is a lifetime campaign of your ex versus anyone not on their side.
Parental alienation typically amplifies when you or your ex moves on.
If you move on, your ex may feel jealous or threatened. Your becoming a separate entity is a personal offense, a blow to their ego. They may chafe at the reminder that you are no longer on their team or the feeling that they have lost influence over you.
If your ex moves on, your existence may become inconvenient for the new "perfect family" script. They may no longer have use for you. Your ex might use negative stories about you to gain alliance with their new partner. Your ex's new relationship will likely be as dysfunctional as yours was and may involve jealousy, control, and anger management issues.
Your child will be drawn into this dynamic, which will seem familiar and "safe," while your own burgeoning independence will seem foreign and scary them. You are now an outsider.
Remember that it is entirely normal to move on after divorce. Ideally, it is handled in a respectful, mindful manner with regard to your children. With alienation, you don't have that luxury. Articles and mainstream advice will not adequately prepare you for a successful experience.
As always, I encourage you to employ any legal resources that are reasonably available to you to preserve contact with your child. Beyond that, one of your best investments is exploring and healing your relationship issues behind alienation and the deterioration of your relationship with your ex. Work with a counselor. Read books. Join support groups. Do the work.
You originally selected your ex for a reason. Things went sideways for a reason.
Making progress with your child depends upon solving those issues for yourself. Avoiding another dysfunctional relationship in the future depends upon solving those issues. New chaotic relationships will move you away from your child and drain your energy. Make your personal development a priority.
Allow me to state clearly: This is not your fault. It isn't fair. Unfortunately, there is no magic wand. Keep your focus on progress that is under your control.
What's Love Got to Do With It? -- Part Two: Dating During Alienation
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