Later, when I was submerged in the depths of alienation, it occurred to me that those four basic tenets were helpful tools with navigating through overwhelming confusion and frustration. As it turns out, the approach is useful for any situation dealing with a narcissist or other difficult person.
If you have not read The Four Agreements, have no fear. The concepts are simple and straightforward. (Here is an 11-minute video by Clark Kegley covering the main points of the book if you are interested in a brief summary.)
#1: Be impeccable with your word.
If there ever was a time to be mindful of what you say (or write or dwell on!), this would be it. Your well-being and your relationship with your child may depend upon it.
The potential cost of saying something you might regret is excruciatingly high, so it is worth slowing down and thinking things through before you reply to upsetting news or information. You may not be creating the chaos, but you do have control over how you respond to it.
Your words are subjected to harsh criticism and manipulation, so be sure that everything you say is with integrity and truth. No, you can't stop your words from being distorted, but you don't need to volunteer material that can be used against you, either.
Provide concise, relevant, factual information as required, but don't include unnecessary personal details or emotion. Realize that your ex may share your emails or discussions with your child, even if the content is not appropriate. I recommend communicating with your ex in writing via email as exclusively as possible. Texts can be ignored and verbal conversations are easily misconstrued.
If you need to vent about your ex or your frustration overall, pick a trusted friend who respects your confidentiality and won't share you emotional release further. You can also write out your anguish (and promptly destroy it) or talk through your emotions aloud when you are alone. I did a lot of vocal self-expression during my daily commute to work in the privacy of my car!
Direct your words -- to yourself and other people -- in support your goal. So many things about parental alienation are undeniably unfair, wrong, harmful, scary, and infuriating! Find appropriate ways to release your anger regularly, but do not allow yourself to remain in an agitated state or continually repeat your story.
Ruminating doesn't allow you to make progress. Continue to develop as a person. Not only does this make you stronger, it also increases your chances of reconnecting with your child.
#2: Don't take anything personally.
What could feel more personal than being rejected by your own child?
I didn't say this part was easy, but it essential. Parental alienation results from the behaviors of the alienating parent (or other influential caretaking adult). Not you!
I repeat, if you are an alienated parent, the madness isn't actually about YOU. You just happen to be the target.
Your child's anger towards you is a survival technique for him or her. Your child has been wrongfully convinced that you are unloving, uninterested, and unsafe -- and, therefore, not a secure option. Your ex seems to hold all power and is adeptly punishing you for leaving the team.
If your child fails to reject you enough, there are consequences, such as withdrawal of love and affection, expressions of anger or cold silence, accusations of disloyalty, or removal of privileges and privacy. Your child is desperately trying to reduce this conflict.
If you resist taking alienation personally, the character assault and rejection loses power. You will feel less emotionally crushed. You will no longer be constantly at the mercy of misinformed opinions. You will demonstrate that it is possible to say no to your ex, that you choose not to validate his/her false reality.
Adopt the "gray rock method" mentioned in Five Reasons to Lose the Blame Game. The more you can set your ego aside, the less the antics of your ex will trigger and derail you. The drama is designed to distract you, exhaust you, and discourage you.
Living your truth holds far more weight than speaking it or defending it.
#3: Don't make assumptions.
Assumption is defined as a thing that is accepted as true or as certain to happen, without proof.
Parental alienation involves rampant distortion, lies, manipulation, and erraticism, all achieved with a tremendous lack of proof. Truth and certainty cannot exist with alienation, so you simply shouldn't assume. Anything. Ever.
Assumptions make you more vulnerable to the chaos and instability of parental alienation, because you are expecting things like logic, identification of problems and solutions, consistency, and adherence to agreements. None of that is going to happen.
Accept that your situation does not allow for ideal co-parenting approaches and lacks the possibility of clear communication, coordinated schedules and rational discussions of major decisions.
Keep your focus on things that you can control. Be proactive about preserving contact and time with your child. Don't count on your ex to inform you about school events, adhere to the custody schedule, or adhere to court rulings. Plan for alternate options to reduce chaos.
Have no expectations.
#4: Always do your best.
Allow me to emphasize the YOUR best part -- the best you personally have at any given moment, without judgment or comparison.
Your best might mean doing less, not more, right now. Parental alienation is depleting and discouraging. Set effective boundaries that respect your personal limits. Prioritize self-care and finding a sustainable pace -- which only you can determine.
That said, your best is so very important. You certainly didn't ask for parental alienation, but you are a parent. You are an adult. The alienating parent is locked into dysfunction, and you cannot expect him/her to change. Your child was born into the manipulative madness.
You are the only person in this triangle that has the freedom and cognitive wherewithal to make intentional, constructive changes. Your love, patience, creativity, and tenacity are essential for preserving the possibility of reconnection with your child in the future.
Note: If you purchase The Four Agreements through the link above or ad below, I may receive a nominal affiliate commission to help pay for costs associated with this endeavor. Thank you!
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