Navigate the mayhem with The Four Agreements

Many years ago, I discovered a marvelous little book entitled The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom by Don Miguel Ruiz on a relative's bookshelf.

Later, when I was submerged in the depths of alienation, it occurred to me that those four basic tenets were helpful tools with navigating through overwhelming confusion and frustration. As it turns out, the approach is useful for any situation dealing with a narcissist or other difficult person.

If you have not read The Four Agreements, have no fear. The concepts are simple and straightforward. (Here is an 11-minute video by Clark Kegley covering the main points of the book if you are interested in a brief summary.)

#1: Be impeccable with your word.

If there ever was a time to be mindful of what you say (or write or dwell on!), this would be it. Your well-being and your relationship with your child may depend upon it.

The potential cost of saying something you might regret is excruciatingly high, so it is worth slowing down and thinking things through before you reply to upsetting news or information. You may not be creating the chaos, but you do have control over how you respond to it.

Your words are subjected to harsh criticism and manipulation, so be sure that everything you say is with integrity and truth. No, you can't stop your words from being distorted, but you don't need to volunteer material that can be used against you, either.

Provide concise, relevant, factual information as required, but don't include unnecessary personal details or emotion. Realize that your ex may share your emails or discussions with your child, even if the content is not appropriate. I recommend communicating with your ex in writing via email as exclusively as possible. Texts can be ignored and verbal conversations are easily misconstrued.

If you need to vent about your ex or your frustration overall, pick a trusted friend who respects your confidentiality and won't share you emotional release further. You can also write out your anguish (and promptly destroy it) or talk through your emotions aloud when you are alone. I did a lot of vocal self-expression during my daily commute to work in the privacy of my car!

Direct your words -- to yourself and other people -- in support your goal. So many things about parental alienation are undeniably unfair, wrong, harmful, scary, and infuriating! Find appropriate ways to release your anger regularly, but do not allow yourself to remain in an agitated state or continually repeat your story.

Ruminating doesn't allow you to make progress. Continue to develop as a person. Not only does this make you stronger, it also increases your chances of reconnecting with your child.

#2: Don't take anything personally.

What could feel more personal than being rejected by your own child?

I didn't say this part was easy, but it essential. Parental alienation results from the behaviors of the alienating parent (or other influential caretaking adult). Not you! 

I repeat, if you are an alienated parent, the madness isn't actually about YOU. You just happen to be the target.

Your child's anger towards you is a survival technique for him or her. Your child has been wrongfully convinced that you are unloving, uninterested, and unsafe -- and, therefore, not a secure option. Your ex seems to hold all power and is adeptly punishing you for leaving the team.

If your child fails to reject you enough, there are consequences, such as withdrawal of love and affection, expressions of anger or cold silence, accusations of disloyalty, or removal of privileges and privacy. Your child is desperately trying to reduce this conflict.

If you resist taking alienation personally, the character assault and rejection loses power. You will feel less emotionally crushed. You will no longer be constantly at the mercy of misinformed opinions. You will demonstrate that it is possible to say no to your ex, that you choose not to validate his/her false reality.

Adopt the "gray rock method" mentioned in Five Reasons to Lose the Blame Game. The more you can set your ego aside, the less the antics of your ex will trigger and derail you. The drama is designed to distract you, exhaust you, and discourage you.

Living your truth holds far more weight than speaking it or defending it.

#3: Don't make assumptions.

Assumption is defined as a thing that is accepted as true or as certain to happen, without proof. 

Parental alienation involves rampant distortion, lies, manipulation, and erraticism, all achieved with a tremendous lack of proof. Truth and certainty cannot exist with alienation, so you simply shouldn't assume. Anything. Ever.

Assumptions make you more vulnerable to the chaos and instability of parental alienation, because you are expecting things like logic, identification of problems and solutions, consistency, and adherence to agreements. None of that is going to happen.

Accept that your situation does not allow for ideal co-parenting approaches and lacks the possibility of clear communication, coordinated schedules and rational discussions of major decisions.

Keep your focus on things that you can control. Be proactive about preserving contact and time with your child. Don't count on your ex to inform you about school events, adhere to the custody schedule, or adhere to court rulings. Plan for alternate options to reduce chaos.

Have no expectations.

#4: Always do your best.

Allow me to emphasize the YOUR best part -- the best you personally have at any given moment, without judgment or comparison.

Your best might mean doing less, not more, right now. Parental alienation is depleting and discouraging. Set effective boundaries that respect your personal limits. Prioritize self-care and finding a sustainable pace -- which only you can determine.

That said, your best is so very important. You certainly didn't ask for parental alienation, but you are a parent. You are an adult. The alienating parent is locked into dysfunction, and you cannot expect him/her to change. Your child was born into the manipulative madness.

You are the only person in this triangle that has the freedom and cognitive wherewithal to make intentional, constructive changes. Your love, patience, creativity, and tenacity are essential for preserving the possibility of reconnection with your child in the future.

Note: If you purchase The Four Agreements through the link above or ad below, I may receive a nominal affiliate commission to help pay for costs associated with this endeavor. Thank you!

This is NOT the end of the story.

Every real story is a never ending story. -- Michael Ende

Trigger topic warning: This article addresses suicide and depression.

I have written about the importance of staying power, finding a pace that you can maintain through the chaos over time.

Sometimes, it can be a very long time. I experienced nearly two years of severe alienation from my daughters. It felt like decades. My father missed out on fifteen years with my half sisters.

When you are stripped of contact with your child and your role as a parent, the loss can become all-consuming. It may seem like there are no further options, no reason for hope. Several people have reached out to me recently about the overwhelming depression that sets in, the feeling that there is nothing left. Some alienated parents feel unable to continue and begin to contemplate suicide.

Ivy Blonwyn shares in her article Alienated Fathers: Don't you DARE give up!,

‘I had the plan, the place, the rope,’ my husband, Rhys, told me. ‘I was going to end it all. I’d been a loving father and a good provider. What I didn’t realize is that my ex never intended to stay with me nor let me be a father to my children.' 

Indeed, suicide is a real concern. On December 29, 2013, Chris Mackney ended his life with a shotgun, leaving a suicide note that attributed his demise to a six year custody battle that left him unemployed, homeless, and alienated from his children.  His story is featured in Bullied to Death:Chris Mackney's Kafakaesque Divorce by Michael Volpe.

You matter, and this -- no matter how dismal and agonizing it may be -- is NOT the end of the story.

You, independent of being a parent, have value to bring to this world. As much as I encourage you to continue to reach out to your child, you have a right to pursue personal goals and self-development. You have a right to boundaries and limits that allow you to be a whole, functioning person.

Your stability and growth doesn't just benefit you; it improves the potential of reconnecting with your child one day. Your child deserves the opportunity to connect with you again one day. Don't take that chance away from him or her by giving up.

Project Semicolon expands on the concept that your story isn't over yet, thus a semicolon tattoo representing the next step, instead of the finality of a period. For me, a necklace with my endurance motto Always & Forever, No Matter What helped me hang on through my moments of darkness. Find what resonates with you and helps you get through those low points to reach tomorrow.

Nothing is more important than self-care.

If you have considered suicide, I urge you to seek the help you need. Call your counselor. Call a trusted friend. Call  the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

Parenting in a Fishbowl

Like so many things before alienation, I took my freedom of parenting style entirely for granted.

I was a mindful, proactive parent: eager to find creative solutions, never hesitating to advocate for my daughters, willing to color outside the lines. This approach had served me -- and my kids -- well for fifteen years. It was a big part of how I defined being a good mom.

As soon as you separate from your ex, this dynamic changes. Parenting becomes less organic and less personal. Decisions and schedules require external coordination. Outside parties become significant influences. Your insightful opinion may be abruptly rendered irrelevant. Ideally, this evolves into a reasonably amicable, co-parenting situation. 

With alienation, it becomes parenting in a fishbowl instead -- if you're lucky enough to still have contact with your child. For some alienated parents, the only time they have with their children is under unwarranted supervision.

Everything an alienated parent does or says is up for scrutiny and often through a distorted lens. Your child may be encouraged to report information about you back to the alienating parent. You can no longer assume privacy with any aspect of your life, and any given action or statement has the potential of being presented before a judge or mediator.

As devaluing and humiliating as it may feel, embracing this harsh realization will help you avoid baseless accusations. Here are seven strategies for reducing unnecessary drama:

Strategy 1: You be you, but on your own time.

Compartmentalize the various aspects of your life. Focus on your children when they are with you. Avoid taking work calls or bringing projects home (and don't vent about custody issues at the office!). 

If you are dating, keep any new relationships separate from your child for as long as possible. Don't make introductions, talk about your lover, or have his/her personal belongings at your house.

Plan adult or adventurous activities on days when you do not have your child. With a negative campaign against you, even personal development goals can be interpreted as selfish or shameful.

Strategy 2: Be squeaky clean.

When your child is present, be aware that you potentially have a greater audience, even in your own home. Don't walk around in your boxers. Be conscious of how physical interaction could be interpreted, including affection and horseplay. Drive safely. Avoid swearing, substance use, and media with violent, controversial or mature content.

Strategy 3: Apply a general public test.

Would your statements, humor, discipline and activities that you allow be easily understood by the public at large -- even if they were taken out of context? If not, make changes. Make sure your words, tone of voice, and actions would be acceptable to even the school principal or your ex's attorney. 

Strategy 4: Get smart.

It's an uncomfortable thought, but alienation often involves the child acting as a spy. Lock down access to all sensitive information, including financial and expense records. Use a safe for confidential documents. Change passwords for your phone, computer and other forms of communication. Keep your conversations with others positive and appropriate when your child is present.

Strategy 5: Be boring.

Alienation is not the time to be a super-fun, risk-taking parent. Provide healthy food options at your house. Stick to reasonable schedules and routines with homework, bedtimes, and departure times for school and lessons. Especially with older children, make sure access to substances and internet content is age-appropriate. Kids need limits and consistency to make them feel safe.

Strategy 6 : Pick your battles.

Your child may indeed be on a mission to make your life miserable. They may be sullen, combative, and uncooperative. Their words may seem not their own; in fact, they will likely parrot dialogue from your ex designed to push your buttons and make you feel unwanted. Your child may be rewarded for causing you distress and resisting anything pleasant associated with you.

Boundaries are important, but enforcing every infraction can quickly become exhausting and futile. It may be more effective to ignore minor inflammatory static like hostile comments, eye-rolling, and a sour attitude.

Strategy 7: Provide counterevidence.

Your child is being convinced that you are unsafe, unloving, and unavailable. Demonstrate the opposite. Be calm and listen. Show up on time. Cook their favorite meals. Express an interest in their activities. Hang pictures of you together that show smiles and laughter. Extend invitations to do activities together, even if gestures are repeatedly rejected. 

These strategies aren't easy, but they are worth your investment. If you are struggling with burn-out, check out my Staying power is everything article. If you have questions or would like me to cover a certain topic in future articles, please send me a message!

The Art of Falling Apart

Usually, I encourage you to hang in there, pace yourself, and stay in the game. So, why am I now giving advice about falling apart?

Because, you will. You will hit a wall that seems utterly insurmountable. You will run out of steam. Your heart will shatter. You will have moments when you can't help but melt into a sobbing puddle. These things will happen more than once, and likely without much warning.

Parental alienation feels like your child is being kidnapped in maddening, unrelenting increments that no one else seems to comprehend. The situation is entirely unnatural, traumatic and inhuman. It is lonely and isolating. It isn't fair to expect of anyone. Nevertheless, you need to cope through it.

So, it's okay to fall apart. In fact, I want you to prepare for it. I just don't want you to STAY there.

I was well into my alienation phase and had learned to keep plodding along and functioning at life reasonably well. On this particular day, I had a busy morning of errands and working out at the gym, followed by attending a baby shower for a family member in the afternoon. The gift was wrapped, I put on a cute outfit, and I was ready to go.

Until, I wasn't. 

Just as soon as I buckled up into my car, I lost it. Completely. I sat in my garage, unable to move as disturbingly guttural howls poured from my body, and my eyes swelled with a river of tears. I felt nauseous, and I gasped for breath. I had landed firmly on the "Do not pass go" square. Needless to say, I didn't make it to the party.

Since we know they will happen anyhow, let's own those inevitable moments of disaster. Here are my top ten tips on embracing the art of falling apart.

1. Realize that you will lose it once in a while, despite your best intentions. This doesn't mean you are broken. Get comfortable with this idea, even if you don't like it.

2. Plan ahead for freak-out activities. You laugh now, but it works wonders. Make sure you have the good, extra-soft tissues. Buy some ugly dishes from a yard sale, so you can smash them in the privacy of your own garage when you need to. Get boxing gloves and hang a heavy bag. Make a melt-down music playlist. Whatever appeals to you. The idea is to release, not squelch.

3. If you have housemates, warn them. Explain how they can be supportive of your low moments.

4. Learn to recognize the oncoming feeling. Does your anxiety rise? Do you start to feel scattered or have trouble making decisions? Are there triggers that tend to set you off? Do you get more easily annoyed or irritable?

5. When you feel like you might fall apart, get to a safe, judgment-free environment as soon as possible. Cancel or reschedule commitments and make some time to not function for a while.

6. Set limits for yourself right away. Your goal is to grieve and blow off steam, not create more problems for yourself. Give yourself an end time that doesn't interfere with your daily life commitments. Set a timer or ask a friend to check on you.

I actually did this. While leaving my daughter's ballet performance, I realized that I had no idea when I would see her again, on stage or otherwise. I could barely hold it together until I got home, but I made a deal with myself along the way. I gave myself permission to lose my marbles until 10:00 pm, because I had to be ready to function at work the next morning. I collapsed just as soon as I crossed my threshold and blubbered until the timer went off.

7. In advance, make an agreement with yourself that you will NOT engage in harmful behaviors while you fall apart. Don't destroy valuables, important documents, photos or other irreplaceable items. Don't break the law or drive your vehicle while under the influence or upset. Avoid alcohol and other substances. Instead, use those pre-planned, freak-out activities from tip #2.

8. Take any preventative measures you need to. Put away your car keys, lock the liquor cabinet, turn off your phone -- do NOT text your ex! Enlist a trusted friend to help with this, if necessary.

9. Lean into it. If you're going lose it, you might as well do it with gusto. I know this seems silly while you are calm, but it's important to really express and let go of your agony when it builds up.

10. Most importantly, don't criticize or punish yourself for falling apart, during or afterwards. Accept it as part of coping through an incredibly challenging situation so you can continue to reach out to your child.

Five Reasons to Lose the Blame Game

I get it.

Being alienated from your child is baffling, overwhelming, and downright wrong. You're angry. You're suffering. You're sick with worry about your kid.

As much as you have cause to feel all of these, let go of blaming your ex. Wait! Before you think I've lost my mind, hear me out. The reasons are more selfish than gracious.

Reason 1: Public expressions of blame create more distance with your child, not less. Oversharing and distortion of information is common with alienation, so your accusations of brainwashing and manipulation will eventually reach your child and in a combative context.

True or not, your statements of blame will actually strengthen your child's resolve to reject you and defend your ex. They will not convince your child to reach out to you or understand that they are being misled.

Reason 2: Critical statements about your ex hurt your child. Children have an innate understanding that they come from both parental figures. Blaming your ex makes your child feel that shame and internalize your anger, even though the alienation is not their fault. Your child is so desperately aligned with the alienating parent that he or she will perceive criticism about your ex as a personal attack.

Reason 3: You may reinforce false information. Parental alienation dynamics are complex and difficult to grasp for people who have not experienced it. The general public, including teachers, mutual friends, and other parents, will not understand your dramatic statements of blame. In fact, your claims may make them suspect that you are the one at fault.

Most likely, they have already heard stories that have been spun about you, and people tend to believe the version they learned first. During alienation, your child corroborates your ex's misinformation about you. If someone  has heard that you went crazy, abandoned your kids, have an anger management problem, or are controlling, your blaming your ex will seem to support those arguments (even if they are entirely fabricated).

Your best weapon against the negative campaign against you isn't denying it with words, but consistently providing positive counter-evidence. Continue to demonstrate that you are rational, compassionate, supportive, calm, and desire a relationship with your child.

Reason 4: You may inadvertently reward your ex. Parental alienation is often associated with mental health conditions, such as narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Narcissists thrive on the emotional distress and attention of others. Learning that you are angry and upset may provide your ex with an emotional feed, an incentive to amplify their behavior.

The Gray Rock Method, a term coined by 180 Rule blogger Skylar, is recommended for effectively dealing with these types of disorders. Make all of your responses bland, factual and non-emotional. This approach is boring to a narcissist and encourages them to seek drama elsewhere.

Reason 5: Resentment will eat you alive. Parental alienation is a long journey, even after reunification begins, and your own mental health is imperative. You need to maintain the strength and perspective to endure the process. You can't afford to waste energy on blame that solves nothing.

Find constructive ways to vent your frustration and release your anger. Confide in close friends and family members who  keep your discussions confidential. Go for a long hike or work out at the gym. Journal about the pain and injustice -- then destroy your writing.

Understanding the causes of parental alienation and the dynamics that influence your specific situation will help you navigate, however most of these factors will remain outside of your control. Focus on the changes and progress that you can influence. Responding to alienation with negative behavior or dialogue towards your ex will amplify, not reduce, the problem.

Of course, if there are actionable issues at hand, I in no way discourage you from pursing appropriate legal action. Keep your legal proceedings professional, confidential, and as removed as possible from any interaction with your child.

Next time you feel the urge to blame your ex, ask yourself which is more important to you: a relationship with your child or personal restitution?

Yes, your life has been overturned, and your child is suffering. It is natural to want a prompt remedy, justice, validation, clearing of your reputation, or even an apology. Not only are these things difficult to obtain with parental alienation, they could come at a high price. Being preoccupied with blame could hinder your opportunity to reconnect with your child.