Thrive Global article is live: You’re going to think I must be a lousy mother.

Guess what?

My article "You’re going to think I must be a lousy mother." about the complex nature of parental alienation was published on Thrive Global. I'm just a LITTLE excited about this! You can check it out here. 

You're going to think I must be a lousy mother.

Parental alienation kills the soul. We need to stop looking the other way.

Devalued to Death: The Story of Michele Neurauter

It's a hot topic in the parental alienation community right now: 48 Hours Karrie's Choice episode that aired on Saturday, March 23rd.

In update New York, 46-year-old Michele Neurauter had been alienated by her two older daughters, while her youngest still resided with her.

After years of manipulation, the father Lloyd gave their middle daughter Karrie a horrifying ultimatum: He would commit suicide unless she helped him kill her mother. Karrie agreed to help him gain access to Michele's home for her murder in August 2017.

Two weeks before trial, Lloyd admitted to strangling Michele and staging the scene to seem like suicide. Lloyd killed his ex-wife in attempt to gain custody of their youngest daughter and avoid paying child support.

During the segment, CBS correspondent Erin Moriarty asks the question anyone unfamiliar with parental alienation struggles with, "She's a smart girl. She could have said no."

Steuben County District Attorney Brooks Baker explains that parental alienation goes beyond merely disliking a parent, "It causes them to absolutely devalue them as people."

It causes them to absolutely devalue them as people.

Exactly this! Devaluation is how parental alienation strips a mother or father of their role, even after years of love, affection, support, and involvement. They are no longer considered a person of worth, often to the point of erasing them completely.

In psychology, devaluation is viewing someone as completely flawed and worthless. It is a defense mechanism that is the opposite of idealization (which the alienating parent demands).

Devaluation enables all sorts of bad things, such as domestic violence, sexual assault, and mass shootings. Compassion and human connection keep us from wanting to hurt another person.

To a lesser degree, many people devalue others. For instance, when something difficult or upsetting happens to someone, people tend to step back from the discomfort to separate from the trauma. We search for a reason that allows us to think it couldn't happen to us, even if that places some or all of the blame on the victim. It takes a mature, mindful, secure position to maintain empathy.

Children in the process of alienating a parent feel intense discomfort, and their security is threatened. They are desperate to reduce this stress, which they alleviate by aligning further with the alienating parent. They are rewarded for rejecting the other parent and punished for showing fondness for them. While divorce is often a catalyst for alienation, it typically occurs in families with long-term dysfunction that may not have been visible to outsiders.

As a formerly alienated parent, I find Michele Neurauter's fate deeply disturbing, as I am certain you do, too. Thankfully, alienation cases ending in murder are rare, but being erased in all other ways is all too common.

I appreciate the attention being shed on the subject. I mourn the passing of a parent who had to endure the agony of losing her children. I worry that her story will be dismissed as sensationalist without people understanding the magnitude and complexity of the problem.