Welcome to Always & Forever

Welcome.

If you are experiencing parental alienation, you have found the right place. Always & Forever is here to help you cope through your estrangement and prepare for your child's "light bulb" moment when they realize they deserve to have a relationship with both parents once again.

My name is Tiffany Redden, and I am a formerly alienated parent.

This being my first post, I am including a short version of my alienation experience below, but rest assured that the purpose of this blog is sharing methods and resources for dealing with this excruciating situation and staying the course back to your child.

My Story:

After eighteen years of marriage, my husband and I separated in 2012. He had been largely disengaged from our family unit for a long time, so I was encouraged by his new-found interest in our two adolescent daughters, Emily and Sydney. I actually remarked to my mother that it was hopeful that he spent more time with them in those first two weeks of separation than he had in the past two years.

Little did I know those words would later haunt me.

As our divorce proceeded, our children's behavior changed. As you might expect, they became angry, defiant, and argumentative. Schoolwork suffered. My normally close relationship with my daughters suffered.

But, they weren't just upset about the changes and loss. They began to glorify my ex while vilifying me. I later learned that this is a sign of splitting, a psychological defense mechanism that is often associated with parental alienation. Parental alienation is defined as the result of psychological manipulation of a child into showing unwarranted fear, disrespect or hostility towards a parent and/or other family members.

Despite my efforts, including attempts with mediation, counseling, and legal assistance, the alienation became extreme and comprehensive. My daughters refused to come to my house, answer my phone calls, or reply to my texts. If they saw me in public, they would scream hysterically and run away, slam doors in my face, and refuse to address me as a person, not to mention as a parent. I was blocked on all social media. I missed out on Mother's Days, birthdays, and holidays.

This alienation lasted nearly two years, and eventually extended to family members and friends who were associated with me. It was absolutely brutal. Most mornings, I had to literally talk myself into getting up out of bed. Yes, I mean out loud. I told myself to do each motion -- to sit up, move the covers back, put one foot on the ground, then the other...

I learned how to slog through the agony, how to hone in on my unwavering goal, and how to set a pace that I could maintain until I reached that goal. I learned how to foster a constructive mindset, despite the mayhem and emotional pain.

Our reunification began when my older daughter Emily sent a reply to one of my texts in August 2014, after over a year of phone silence. I was at work, and about fell out of my office chair!

Emily ended up moving in with me, which gradually paved the way for reconnecting with my younger daughter Sydney. The journey back has been slow, with plenty of twists and turns. But, having my daughters back in my life is worth everything to me.

If you are currently in a parental alienation situation, you can get through this! I am just a regular person. I am not a psychologist or an attorney. I didn't have significant resources or any special ability. I was just a parent determined to have a relationship with my daughters again.

Let me help you get there.

Subscribe to this blog. Find me on YouTube, Facebook and Instagram. Send me your questions. I will do my best to address them in future blogs and videos.

Until next time, hang in there. A parent's love for their child is always and forever, no matter what.

Is it still Mother's Day without my child?

Hands down, this holiday was the hardest of days for me to endure while alienated from my daughters. 

It took significant effort just to breathe. For moms missing their children, Mother's Day delivers unbearable cruelty.

Perhaps, you may be fortunate enough to have a few awkward, stiff moments with your child. Perhaps, there may simply be a silent, cavernous void -- no call, no visit, no contact at all. Perhaps, you may even witness a replacement figure enthusiastically celebrated in your place on social media.

This lovely, spring day meant to bestow honor and joy can become viciously excruciating and humiliating in a highly public manner for an alienated mother. It would be irresponsible of me to sugarcoat or minimize this agony.

If you are an alienated mother, I urge you to make a survival plan ahead of time -- STAT. 

Your most important task is getting through the holiday weekend, safe and sound. You CAN do this.

Find a quiet space or a safe person and plan out what you need to cope.

If you need to surround yourself with supportive people, reach out to them now. If you need to be alone and cry all day, cancel all activities and stock up on tissues. Go for a long drive or head out of town. Sit in a movie theatre all day. Climb a mountain. 

Do whatever will help you move through your pain to get to the next day.

Just be sure to select a strategy that doesn't move you backwards. Steer clear of overspending, risky substance use, dangerous situations, or making major or permanent decisions of any kind. 

You want to shelter in place, not lose ground or jeopardize the possibility of reconnecting with your child. Above all, do not punish yourself, internally or otherwise.

You may be stripped of your parenting role at this moment, but you are -- and will always be -- a  mother. 

Right now, being a good, strong mom means preserving your own well being so you can be there for your child in the future.

Know that you will be in my heart especially on this day.

How Endurance Can Lead to Overwhelm

Yesterday, I lost my sh*t. 

As in, full melt-down mode, reminiscent of my ol' days of alienation. Right up there with what I described in my previous article The Art of  Falling Apart.

Before I continue, I want to be clear that my intent is NOT to compare my current drama with being unable to see my kids. There simply is no comparison to that agony. 

My intent is to discuss the dynamics of sheer overwhelm, especially when it involves factors beyond your control, like with alienation. 

Alienated parents are frequently among the most diligent, hard-working people and are driven to tirelessly search for solutions, resist complaining, and push through the pain. There can be moments when this dedication alone simply isn't enough, and this "failure" to hold it all together can be immensely distressing.

Admittedly, the past few months have been challenging for me. Here are a few of the stressors that I have been dealing with:

• My dad has Alzheimer's and his condition is noticeably deteriorating, as expected.
• I've had major employment changes and launched a new business venture recently.
• I have a genetic, connective tissue disorder that causes an array of health problems that are amplified by stress. Some painful, some debilitating, some annoying. All more static to deal with.
• The holidays. No further remark needed.
• Omicron. No further remark needed.
• Ringing in the New Year with a brief, but amazingly dramatic, bout of food poisoning that caused me to miss celebrating my kid's birthday.

Oh. My Goodness. That's a lot.

But, here's the thing: I was pushing so dang hard to work through all of this, to stay positive, and to find solutions that I completely lost sight of the ENORMOUS collective weight that had accumulated on my shoulders.

I didn't want to -- perhaps could not -- face the sum total. My entire focus was on fighting the good fight, forging ahead, and keeping my chin up. I didn't allow room for just being human.

Yet, we are human. It is 100% normal to have limits.

I have little to no control over all of these factors. Sure, I can do my best to problem solve and mitigate, but I can't change these things directly. I can only navigate them and manage the impact. And, take good care of myself along the way.

I dropped the ball on that last one. I think I know why.

On an underlying level, I was -- I am -- scared. I'm scared of incrementally, tragically losing my father. I'm scared of the breath-taking risk and vulnerability of embarking into new professional territory. I'm scared of the impact of my own health issues.  

Fear has its purpose. It can help us pay attention and it can be a tremendous motivator, but only momentarily. When it does not let up, fear results in bone-deep exhaustion, skewed perspective, and anxiety.

Alienation dynamics are steeped in fear and trauma. As an alienated parent, you must have a plan to take care of yourself along the way. When the pressure mounts, intentionally increase restorative measures. 

Even simple things can make a difference, such as:

• Go outside. Fresh air and sunshine heal the body and mind and fill the soul.
• Set up a soothing environment as much as you can, paying attention to background music, lighting, and room temperature.
• Move. Physical movement increases blood flow and is known to improve mood. No need to make this overly complicated. Even stretching or taking a walk can be helpful.
• Listen to interesting or supportive podcasts. Auditory input can be a low-stress, low-effort way to plug in helpful information, distract, or improve mental outlook. Brené Brown is a current favorite of mine.
• Set a timer to check in with yourself throughout the day. Being consumed with stress can make you disconnect from basic things you need, like drinking water, breathing deeply, or eating regular meals.

Also, consider ongoing counseling if that is accessible for you. Enduring alienation is not something to bear alone, especially when it stretches out over years.

Take just a few minutes right now to evaluate whether you have been taking sufficient care of yourself lately. Close your eyes, settle, and take a few deep breaths. If you are feeling depleted, schedule some restorative actions in your day. I recommend actually putting reminder alerts in your phone.

I hope this coming year brings progress and healing to you all.

'Tis the Season: 5 Steps for Surviving the Holidays

The holidays are upon us, and you may find yourself buried in bah humbugs.

I assure you that is 100 percent okay, IF you have a solid plan to take good care of yourself. You get to define what you can -- and cannot -- manage through this season. Your mental health is far more important than any tradition or social gesture, no matter how festive.

I know you are inclined to power through the holiday activities that you are supposed to do. 

Every alienated parent I have encountered has been driven to do the right thing and avoid letting people down. An important part of learning to cope with alienation is setting healthy boundaries and grounding yourself in your own wellbeing.

If you lack a self-care plan, let's get to work on that STAT. Here are my five steps for surviving the holidays:

1.    Take inventory. Make a list of everything potentially on your plate through the new year, including usual traditions, unlikely opportunities, holiday gatherings of any kind, decadent ideas, and expected gift giving. Write it all down: baking cookies, skiing vacation, visiting your cousin, lighting candles, hanging stockings, or volunteering at the food bank.

2.    Make an energy list. Brainstorm non-harmful activities known to make you feel good, elevate your mood, and give you energy. This might be taking a scenic drive, watching the sun rise, going for a run, chatting with an old friend, climbing a mountain, or curling up on the couch with a book. If you already have an energy list, grab it now and update it with any fresh ideas.

3.    Compare lists. Do any items on your inventory list feel like items on your energy list? Circle those.

4.    Trim with abandon. Cross off items on your inventory list that aren't circled. Decline all invitations and demands that make you feel drained or uneasy. Say no as much as you need to. For the next few weeks, intentionally choose each activity that you include in your daily schedule.

5.    Rewrite your playbook. Now that you've cleared most of your end-of-year calendar, fill your time with restorative activities and connect with the positive people in your life. Consider escaping for a last-minute, out-of-town adventure or tackling a project that you've been putting off. Your goal is positive distraction.

Focus on using this time to recharge yourself. Give yourself permission to feel whatever you need to and adjust accordingly. You can laugh and feel joyous even if you are missing your child. You can feel devastated and mournful even through a season of celebration.

And, remember to make allowances for falling apart should you need to.

What's Love Got to Do With It? -- Part Two: Dating During Alienation

We need to talk about dating. Even if you are absolutely certain you are not going to date anyone. At all. Perhaps ever again.

Things happen.

My first post-divorce relationship began with my declaring that I sooooo was NOT looking for anything serious to a handsome chap. Um, yeah. We ended up dating exclusively for over two years. I know I'm not alone with this type of story.

Love can arrive when we least expect it.

Furthermore, most of us do eventually miss having a reliable plus one -- someone who snuggles up with us on the couch, picks us up at the airport, and brings us soup when we have a raging fever. This void can be amplified by the absence of your child.

So, we find ourselves absently swiping photos left and right on our phones, making small talk with a stranger while sitting on a stool at a hipster bar, and wondering whether radio silence from last night's second date means we are being ghosted or breadcrumbed.

If we are lucky, we meet someone who make us feel alive again. Someone who feels like sunshine and hope and fresh-baked cookies. And, boy can we use plenty of that right about now!

But, wait. 

Is dating during parental alienation even a sane idea?

The truth is that starting a new relationship while you are alienated from your child can be an enormous challenge. It can also be an escape, a much-needed indulgence that feeds your soul and pushes you to grow as a person.

Ultimately, the decision to date or not is yours alone, but let's look at some factors to consider that parental alienation may bring to the table.

Overwhelming Guilt 

Dating after divorce is always tricky for parents, but alienation slathers an extra-thick layer of guilt over the top. You might have doubts churning, such as:

• Given the chaos and drama impacting my life, is it possible to build a stable relationship with someone new? 
• Do I deserve to feel happy while my child is experiencing trauma and rejecting me? 
• Is it okay to move on, or could a new partner jeopardize my child coming back to me? 
• Does dating someone new demonstrate that I don't care about my child?

The very state of feeling good and wanted can also feel selfish and shameful during quiet moments when you are mourning your child. The polarization of baseless rejection and intoxicating infatuation can create a wild emotional rollercoaster. Gaining reasonable perspective simply may not be feasible during alienation, especially in the early stages.

Depleted Resources 

Alienation consumes a tremendous amount of time, energy, emotion, finances, thought, and sanity. Key factors may be in frequent states of flux: discretionary income, living arrangements, expenses, schedule, tolerance for others. This isn't an ideal state for evaluating  a new partnership. It's an invitation for attracting an imbalanced relationship and codependency.

In my observation and personal experience, parents who experience alienation can take longer to gain enough stability to establish a solid, healthy relationship. This does not mean that you are not deserving or capable; it means that there are external factors that require your focus. It means that you may have more repair to be ready for a functional partnership.

Awkward Explanations 

How does one find the words to explain alienation -- especially to a potential love interest? Basic dating advice cautions against criticizing your ex or letting those skeletons escape the closet early on.

Yet, parental alienation is life-changing. It is a major element of your personal story. If you are dating, I encourage you to be upfront about your situation. No, you don't need to disclose it on your profile or mention it during a first date, but tackle the topic sooner than later.

Own it. Unpack it. Practice talking about it in a safe environment until you can discuss it without falling apart. It is impossible to disclose alienation without addressing some heavy, clunky, depressing junk, but you can learn to talk about how it impacts you in a calm, neutral manner.

Any potential partner deserves to know the complex burden that you carry. They need to know how support you as you navigate and cope through the chaos. They need to understand how they can respect your perspective and expertise without needing to fix the situation, regardless of how well-intentioned they may be.

Even though my daughters are young adults and are firmly back in my life, alienation still warrants discussion with any new love interest of mine, because it altered my perspective, my entire family, and many of my friendships. The aftermath will forever influence how I communicate with and make decisions regarding my daughters. It is a permanent facet of our history.

Learning Opportunities 

Alienation is so consuming that it can make your world very small as you go through the motions of life. This might be necessary for some periods of time, but it isn't conducive for long-term existence and personal development.

It is important to invite new experiences and fresh input into your life. This includes interactions with new people and the opportunity to practice positive, meaningful interactions.

You need reasons to laugh and explore. You need to observe what you like, what you don't like, and what you can change.

You need to be exposed to how other people have relationships with their exes and children through divorce. Sometimes, we can't recognize past dysfunction until we have the chance to see better examples. You need to recognize your negative patterns and triggers, baggage that you still need to work on, potential areas of growth, and the amazing things that you bring to a potential partnership.

You also will benefit from practicing setting healthy boundaries, working on management of emotions (no, not just side-stepping them), and developing adept communication skills through sensitive and vulnerable topics and situations.

All of these things can be discovered through dating -- when you are ready.

Compartmentalizing Joy 

While it isn't a permanent solution, compartmentalizing various segments of your life can be an effective approach to coping with pain and inviting growth.

During alienation, my house felt so depressingly empty. I would get cold sweats and nausea while walking down the hallway to my girls' bedrooms. Everything reminded me of their absence.

Heading to my then-boyfriend's beautiful home for the weekend felt like chocolate. It was a much-needed indulgence. Maybe it wasn't a sustainable, day-to-day reality for me, but it felt good. It was a safe place where I could step outside of my grief for awhile. I could give myself permission to feel joy and comfort and love. I needed that.

This type of relationship may not be able to absorb the harsh reality of the rest of your life, but it can be a wonderful thing to enjoy the company of a loving and understanding companion.

Kintsugi  

In Part One, I explained that, in all likelihood, your relationship with your ex was significantly dysfunctional. On top of that trauma, you are experiencing the unnatural experience of being separated from your own children.

I don't need to tell you this is soul-shattering stuff. You are vulnerable. You are recuperating from unhealthy relationship patterns. You are learning how to establish better boundaries and cope through unthinkable pain.

While the damage cannot be erased, you do have the opportunity to become a stronger, wiser person. You can honor your broken pieces and mend them like the Japanese art of kintsugi, which beautifully repairs broken pottery with precious metal. The method embraces breakage as part of the history of an object, rather than something to disguise.

Heal. Do the work. Seek counsel. Become an expert at patience, empathy, communication.  Discover the depth and strength that comes from surviving alienation. Your resilience and ability to slog through trauma are strong assets to bring to a new relationship.

But, find your complete self before you attach to someone new.

Love & Logic 

I have found that most alienated parents have major similarities. They tend to be dedicated, hard-working, and logical. They tirelessly return to analyze ongoing problems, seeking practical, respectful solutions. They observe. They adjust. They research. They look for causes and consider their own possible contribution to the situation first.

These are all formidable traits, but they are also attributes that can be manipulated by pervasive mayhem and manipulation. Logic and trying harder are useless for combating intentional chaos, putting out incessant frivolous wildfires, or chasing randomly moving targets.

So, what does this have to do with dating?

Logical, rational, hard-working people with weak boundaries are an appealing target for unstable, manipulative types. Realize that you will probably attract new types of dysfunctional romantic relationships -- at least for a while. You will likely encounter some "learning experience" encounters before you connect with someone in a constructive way.

Do your homework about setting boundaries and move slowly into any new relationship. Be still that beating heart of yours. Really. Time brings wisdom.

Losing Ground 

I know you don't want to hear this, but it needs to be said: A new love interest can indeed amplify alienation, even if you are careful and mindful about dating. It is a real risk.

Alienation involves psychological splitting -- viewing one parent as all good and the other as all bad. Anyone associated with you, including a new partner, may be included in that negative perspective, amplifying the campaign that you are disinterested or unsafe.

Your dating may inspire your ex to make inappropriate remarks or demonstrate their emotional distress to your child in response. This may inspire your child to feel sad for, side with, or protect the other parent. As I mentioned in Part One, either party moving on is a common catalyst for parental alienation. Dating isn't wrong or a direct cause of alienation, but, like any major life change, it can potentially be used as powerful ammunition against your connection with your child.

Also, your new partner may not be able to handle the stress and chaos of alienation or may have trouble respecting the approach you need to take as an estranged parent. This can result in incredibly difficult, gut-wrenching decisions and may compromise your adult relationship.

Walking the Walk

That said, building a healthy, full, dynamic life is ultimately one of the best things you can do for both yourself and your child. If you are grounded, happy, and fulfilled in other areas of your life, you will weather alienation with more resilience, perspective, and patience.

Demonstrating that you can thrive after disconnecting from your ex is so important for empowering your child, so they can witness that becoming a separate, independent person is possible. Demonstrating a supportive, loving, mature partnership can help your child understand how to develop healthy adult relationships later.

Determining when, how, and if you decide to date is one of the most complex life decisions you can make during parental alienation. It is worthy of ample thought and mindful intent.

What's Love Got to Do with It? -- Part One: When Moving On Motivates Alienation

Yes, I am going there.

Today, I am tackling the dreaded topic of your love life. Actually, this elephant in the room is such a humdinger, it deserves TWO articles.

This is Part One: When Moving On Motivates Alienation. Make yourself comfortable, and let's dig in.

When I separated from my husband of 18 years, I researched the best way to go about it. I read articles about how to have a "good" divorce. How to part ways as peacefully as possible. How to avoid traumatizing your kids through the process.

I printed the best ones and gave them to my ex, naively believing he would gravitate towards the same page. Let's just say that didn't happen. < Cue laughter from Captain Obvious.>

For several months, we did have a workable 50/50 schedule, albeit with plenty of growing concerns: deteriorating communication, lack of schedule compliance, and increasing hostility from my girls.

One day, I received an invitation to a grown-up birthday party. It happened to fall on a kid-free weekend, and I finally felt ready to go out and be an adult. Let's go! Woot, woot!

I got dressed up, grabbed an old friend to come along, and went to enjoy some great company, live music, and sangria. I smiled and laughed. I danced. I met fun, new people.

A couple of days later, I learned that photos of the event had been posted online. My ex was enraged to see evidence of my moving on. Looking back at that conversation, I can now recognize early threats of alienation, but the concept was so foreign and unfathomable to me at the time, I didn't understand what was to come.

My daughters' anger at me skyrocketed immediately afterwards, suggesting that my evening out had been shared with them in a derogatory manner.

A short time later, my ex brought a date and one of her children to my older daughter's ballet performance. While it was a surprise to me, I was determined to weather the situation with a smile. But, the bigger surprise was my own kids shunning me in public for the first time.

I was home doing laundry and chores the following day, when my younger daughter burst through the front door and ran to her room without saying a word. She frantically grabbed a pile of clothes and ran back out to my ex's car idling on the driveway -- refusing help, refusing to explain what was wrong. She didn't come back for two years.

And, just like that, I was erased.

The new girlfriend promptly moved in with my ex, along with her two young children. By Mother's Day, social media was decorated with shiny pictures of their new combined family unit.

Meanwhile, my stunned heart bled.

So, how can good intentions spiral into a hideous nightmare so fast?

NEWS FLASH:  It only seemed fast. I was hosed from the start. I just didn't know it.

If you are experiencing any significant degree of alienation from your children, we can assume that your relationship with your ex had no shortage of dysfunction. The groundwork for alienation began a long time ago. It was woven into the fabric of your family dynamics, well before your divorce began.

When I talk with other alienated parents, our stories are eerily similar -- filled with boundary issues, enabling, imbalance, acceptance of negative behaviors, tolerating chaos. Your children have been raised in that environment. They understand deeply that you are either on your ex's team or you are the enemy.

Alienation isn't a sudden turn in the road, even if it seems that way. It is a lifetime campaign of your ex versus anyone not on their side.

Parental alienation typically amplifies when you or your ex moves on.

If you move on, your ex may feel jealous or threatened. Your becoming a separate entity is a personal offense, a blow to their ego. They may chafe at the reminder that you are no longer on their team or the feeling that they have lost influence over you.

If your ex moves on, your existence may become inconvenient for the new "perfect family" script. They may no longer have use for you. Your ex might use negative stories about you to gain alliance with their new partner. Your ex's new relationship will likely be as dysfunctional as yours was and may involve jealousy, control, and anger management issues.

Your child will be drawn into this dynamic, which will seem familiar and "safe," while your own burgeoning independence will seem foreign and scary them. You are now an outsider.

Remember that it is entirely normal to move on after divorce. Ideally, it is handled in a respectful, mindful manner with regard to your children. With alienation, you don't have that luxury. Articles and mainstream advice will not adequately prepare you for a successful experience.

As always, I encourage you to employ any legal resources that are reasonably available to you to preserve contact with your child. Beyond that, one of your best investments is exploring and healing your relationship issues behind alienation and the deterioration of your relationship with your ex. Work with a counselor. Read books. Join support groups. Do the work.

You originally selected your ex for a reason. Things went sideways for a reason.

Making progress with your child depends upon solving those issues for yourself. Avoiding another dysfunctional relationship in the future depends upon solving those issues. New chaotic relationships will move you away from your child and drain your energy. Make your personal development a priority.

Allow me to state clearly: This is not your fault. It isn't fair. Unfortunately, there is no magic wand. Keep your focus on progress that is under your control.

What's Love Got to Do With It? -- Part Two: Dating During Alienation

The Challenge of Childless Parenting

During my alienation, I leaned into my yoga practice to help me cope with the ongoing trauma and to develop the mental and emotional discipline I needed to navigate the chaos. It wasn't unusual to find me at yoga class after work.

One evening, I was running a little late, so I quietly found an open corner in the front of the darkened room for my mat. When the lights were turned on after savasana, I discovered that my younger daughter -- who hadn't spoken to me for over a year -- had attended the same yoga class in the back row!

In shock, I approached her. She ignored me altogether, collected her things without a word, and walked away, refusing to make eye contact. I was crushed. I texted her after she left, to which she replied that I was merely her "birth mother" and meant nothing further to her. Ouch.

While she was certainly not the first angry teenager to make a harsh declaration along those lines, her words were sadly symbolic of how my role as a parent had been completely eroded by alienation.

Not only did I have no parenting time, contact or updates about what was going on in my girls' lives, there was also no way to listen to their daily ups and downs or offer guidance, support, advice and perspective. I couldn't say yes or no to any decision or activity. I didn't even know what those events might be.

I had no voice. No function. No role.

I wasn't notified when my daughter took a fall off of a horse that fractured a vertebra. I hadn't been told that she was taking riding lessons in the first place, who the instructor might be, or where the stables were located. I couldn't check on how she was feeling, express my concerns about the type of painkillers prescribed, or push for the diagnostic imaging early on.

I also didn't know when my older daughter graduated a year early from high school. I couldn't hug her and tell her how proud I was of her or take her out to dinner to celebrate her accomplishment. I couldn't express how impressed I was that she had accepted a full-time contract with a professional ballet company at the tender age of seventeen.

Mother had become a painfully empty, meaningless title. Allow me to be blunt: Being a parent at this point was dismal and depressing. At best.

I managed to find a few ways to funnel my restless parenting instincts:

• Dialogue -- I talked aloud to my kids -- even though they weren't there -- usually when I was driving in my car, alone. I would express that I missed them, share stories about what life was like when I was their ages, muse about current events that I imagined might be impacting their lives. This helped me process my thoughts and feel like a parent for a moment or two. And, I felt I was sending them my love from a distance.
• Borrow -- I spent time with my friend's kids, as I could manage it. This was a bittersweet experience. At times, it was a great distraction to go trick-or-treating, play at the park, or attend birthday parties with rambunctious little ones. At other times, it would smoosh me emotionally to attend a baby shower.
• Journal -- I found it helpful to dump my emotions and thoughts onto paper and release them by destroying my writings later. Some parents create journals of advice with the intent of giving them to their child when they return and the time is right. I love this idea, but would caution you to make any content for your kids positive and non-accusatory.

After the yoga class that night, I met up with some old friends who were familiar with my alienation. I shared my difficult experience with them, but they had an enlightening perspective. They concluded that my daughter likely came to this particular yoga class on purpose, knowing it was a class I attended regularly. 

Oh. Even though it was a seemingly negative, hurtful interaction, it was actually a covert act of reaching out on her behalf. One that was safe, given her situation. 

Parental alienation is ugly, unnatural, damaging, and just plain wrong. If you are being extensively alienated from your child's life, you very well may have little to no active role for the time being. Your child's attempts at contact with you might look like the opposite.

But, once a parent, always a parent. Your child still needs you. No one said parenting was going to be easy. You just happen to need to develop ninja-level skills. Find ways to keep whatever connection you can, while also developing and growing as a person.

At the very least, you can demonstrate that a person can thrive despite being outside of the alienating parent's team. You can show loyalty, resilience, and longevity. You can exhibit patience, unconditional love, and healthy boundaries. Healing and developing yourself increases the chance of your child reconnecting with you one day.